My wife of almost 8 years told me recently that she didn't love me and wanted a divorce. It all stems from where she doesn't believe I'm loving to her. She says that I don't hold her hand, or hug her enough, and that also in the past she said she felt she had to sneak to see her family, I admit I would get aggravatted because she wanted to spend more time with them more than me plus the fact they live an hour away and she would visit them at the minimum once a week. She says she has felt this way for years and it has built up, but this is the first time she or anyone has ever said anything to me about it. She was close to her youngest brother and confided in him about how she felt and he would talk to her boost her spirits and tell her everything was going to be ok. But that brother died in March 2001 and her oldest brother died in March 1998 both were 27 at the time of their death. She said since her youngest brothers death she doesn't have someone to tell her its going to be ok, and she feels like she's living a lie and wanted to know why I wanted to be with someone that didn't love me. It has been 3 months since she has told me this and I have been doing everything I know to do to show her I do Love her, but she seems to put up walls, If I hug her she doesn't hug me back, if I kiss her she doesn't want me to kiss her on her lips. I can't get her to talk to me about anything, if I make idle conversation she replies with one or two word responses and sometimes even acts irrated when I try to talk to her, I can't even make her laugh. Sometimes she says she is tired or has a headache, but if someone comes over or calls she turns to miss chatty patty, talking and laughing while she is talking to them. Once they leave or the phone conversation is over and I try to talk to her she goes through the same old routine. She thinks I'm just putting on a show and really don't care, that I just want to stay married for the kids. Her Dad is a minister and he talked to both of us, now she says she won't divorce me because of our kids ages 2 and 3. But she says because of the things in the past she doesn't know if she can love me or even wants to love me. I do Love her and have always loved her I just don't know what to do to get her to see it and start loving me again, she is the Love of my Life, I wish I could go back in time and do things different so she knew that I Love her more than anything in the world. Please help.

You sound like my husband, the way you in the past werent affectionsate and were trying to restrict your wife from seeing here family, so I will tell you from where I am what my husband could do to make me love him again...first of all let me say, people need to know they are loved and special, when we as wives feel like we are only being kept around for the housecleaning we have to "shut off" otherwise we go crazy, I am at the point right now where the love for my husband is going way down, when you start being demanding and asking her not to see her family you forced her to make a choice them or you, and she chose them (I am in the same situation and doing the same thing) family is there for you forever, they dont give up and they always have words of comfort when you need them, if you werent giving your wife the love and support she needed then who could blame her for talking to her brother? It is very sad that her brother is gone and I can see why she would want to give up, to stay in a marriage where you arent feeling any love or respect is extremely difficult if not impossible....now to the helpful part....<p>I am going to tell you what I want from my husband, what would make me have feelings for him again.<p>a) APOLOGIZE! If you know you mistreated her and hurt her apologize. <p>b) I want to be told I am loved, I am special, and that his life is better because of me.<p>c) I want to be allowed to be the person I am, to visit my family, to have friends, and to not be told how much time and what days I may socialize with them.<p>d) I want help around the house when I ask for it without getting moaning and groaning<p>e) I want to be touched, to be kissed and hugged, WITHOUT it leading to sex! (this is a biggie that it seems alot of guys do not get)<p>f) I want him to listen when I talk and actually hear what I say, and not be judgemental over it<p>g) I want him to open up to me to tell me what he is feeling instead of letting me wonder and expecting me to read his mind<p>Those are just a few things I can think of off the top of my head, I wish you the best of luck really I do, but you can only neglect someones needs for so long before they are forced to shut you out in order to function, she is going to need alot of time before she will trust you with her heart again<p>Tara

Hi there Red,
My Heart aches for the pain you and your wife are both feeling at the moment. Two different pains however.
It seems your wife feels she must protect her heart and her emotions and the only way she can do this is by pushing you away.
If you truly want to save your marriage, do anything and everything you can. Counselling might be a good start, the hard yards can often lead to some kind of revelation or even compromise. Talk to her father who is a minister, ask him to pray for your family. Maybe even go to the prayer page on this site, you would be surprised by the support you will get from there.
Your wife doesn't seem willing to believe that you really want to try and work on your marriage, but maybe if you committed to some form of counselling, she may see you making an effort.<p>What is it that stopped you from being affectionate towards her in the first place? Maybe that is one thing you need to look at.
Also, why is her visiting her family a problem to you ? If you feel that it detracts from her time with you, you need to be able to express that, but at the same time, she is feeling neglected by you, and that may just be the reason why she feels compelled to spend time with people who make her feel ok and wanted.<p>It's a little alarming that she feels she cannot trust nor open up to you in the way that she did with her brother who passed on and the rest of her family. You are her husband, the one person she should be able to communicate with in that way. Id say you have quite a job of showing her you want to communicate and want the marriage to work.<p>Good luck to you.
Always keep your hope and your faith in your marriage. Be patient and kind, your wife can only keep pushing you away if she is not seeing any changes.
Pray ! That is one thing that will stop you from feeling totally empty inside and may even give you the guidance you need while you try to reconcile your marriage.
For support, keep posting here *S*

First off, my heart goes out to her. I have 3 brothers and they are my life. I was always fussed at for going see my family. What's up w/ that. They are family. I have 2 boys that I have been raising on my own since they were 2 and 3. It is not easy. But for somebody to say or act like I can't see my family is shameful. I love them all. I get depressed where I tell them they don't love me either. I know where your wife is coming from. She may here it but it is so totally different. Once you get in that state that nobody cares its hard to get out. I live it everyday. I know they love me but I don't feel it. I just wish oneday somebody would hug me and say I love u. It will be alright. For now, let her be. She has lost 2 brothers in such a short time. I couldn't even imagine. Take care of u and her. She needs u right now.

Hi Red,
Sorry for your pain, but you must realize this has been a constant pain for your wife. You should never ever restrict your wife from her family. That's certain disaster. I've been married for 18 years to a wonderful woman. I have never let our marriage get stale. I constantly tell her how beautiful she is and how much she means to my life and happiness. I write her notes from my heart and leave them in her draws or on her pillow. Woman want to feel special and respected. If you keep them down their love and affection will die. You need to date your wife again and be the person she fell in love with and stay that person. Too many men are one way before marriage and another after. The womans left wondering where the man she married is. Love her, treat special and never ever take her for granite again.

Hi Red,<p>Lots to say on this topic, but I HAVE to respond to what timhh said: As a woman, I can assure you, timhh, I don't want to be taken for "granite." LOL [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>As for the serious topic at hand, you have several issues on the table, red. Those who have posted already have mentioned some of them. The thing that strikes me, though, is that once a woman leaves her family to get married, her HUSBAND becomes her new family. Sure, she always has her parents and siblings, and they can play a supportive role, but the primary players are the husband and wife in this new family. That means that you and your wife are the primary players, and you need to take your responsibilities seriously! If she had to run to her brother for comfort, you were missing out bigtime on your role in her life. And look at the misery it has brought you.<p>So, one day at a time, red. Be patient. Show her you are there for her.<p>Best of luck.

red...
I can sympathize with you because I live with someone who goes into total withdrawl . Even though we have had our differances I love him very much. It can be very dicouraging to the "giver " to be constantly shut out. But you have to remember 2 things......everybody comes to terms with things at their own time & in their own way. Space is an importnat issue in a marriage ...some people need more than others. But the more you get into their space when the are in this state of termoil the more they feel threatened.
I know it is hard to do but don't give up & keep the door top comminication open. Just because they are not saying anything doesn't mean that they don't hear you. It's a power struggle. Some one has to back downif it will work.
I had just recently posted something on the discussion board....see negoiations. The man that replied to me spoke very wisely & straight forward. It helped me understand.
Time is a hard thing because there is no set "deadline" when things happen. Remember this didn't happen overnight. Maybe she is responding to you but not in the way you want or the way it was in your head.
One thing to remember is this can be a learning experiance & time for some internal houskeeping. It took 2 people to make a relationship & it takes 2 people to break it. It is too easy to see what the other person is not doing, but to look at ourselves is a little harder.
Good luck to you....I'm in a "silent" situation now and it gets to be a very hard thing trying to figure out the "right" thing to do & the "right" way to feel. I have really turned this over to God because he is the only one that has control over the big picture. It also fils the emptiness as one person has said. And keep the faith!

Red,<p>Would love to hear how you are going, i hope that some of the advice or words people have said have given you some comfort or hope !!<p>Maria, i hope that things get better for you as well, sounds like you are in a hard situation and one that could leave you feeling very alone.
Keep your faith [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Would love to know more about your story, where have you posted on the board ??<p>Steph

Steph... It is under the negioating part. Please read it. There have been some really insightful things that some people have replyed to me that have helped me think things through.
wish I had known this about 6 months ago when he would withdrawl so much. Better late than never to learn!

<p>[ March 21, 2002: Message edited by: timhh ]</p>