Hi there. New to this site but have read some wonderful advice here and wondered if someone could offer similar to me. I have been married 24 years and love my wife. We have had incidents in the past which have strained our marriage but we have managed to bury the problems and reconcile our marriage. After 10 years of marriage (and 2 children)I was told by my W that she had been having an affair with my best friend of many years. He lived local and I often went for a drink with him to open up my heart over problems my W and I were going through. She confessed only because OMW discovered a letter my W had sent to him and she was afraid I would hear about the afair from her. After being told I actually went round to him and, can you believe it, apologised to him and his W because it must have been my fault that she was so unhappy to start the affair! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anyway we "got over" this infidelity hurdle and my W gave birth to our son 18 months later. All was well until our son was diagnosed with a brain tumour and after 14 months on chemotherapy, sadly he died in 1993 at the age of 3. We went through hell with my W wanting to separate. We managed to stick it out again and continue with life and our loss, for the sake of the other children if nothing else. In Jan 2002 I discovered she has met up with her "old" boyfriend of 25 years ago and he is going through the process of splitting up from his W, although she is not yet aware of it. OM is sending text messages, phoning and e-mailing virtually every day. I have intercepted many e-mails and am angry at what has been said about me by my W and the fact that they are planning to meet up again and see if they are still compatible with each other as they want true love not simply an affair. I have confronted my W who says I must be mad if I think she would run off with another man so soon.I have been going out of my head over the last 2 months wondering what to do but have found some help in telling a couple of close colleagues, it is the deceit that is tearing away at me. My W says she will leave me in June once our daughter's exams are over with. He has agreed the same. Am I the fool for sitting back and trying to hold our marriage together? Should I take control over the situation and tell her to leave? <p>I wish I had come across this site when things were OK between us because the advice on improving a relationship would have stopped us getting this far down the line. <p>I have e-mailed the OM and asked him to "back-off" whilst my W and I try to sort out our problems. He has ignored this request. I am tempted to inform his wife (why should she be the only one in the dark) and also complain to his firm where all the e-mails and phone calls are coming via ... or is this simply confirming my wifes criticism that I am controlling her?<p>Help please and save not only a marriage but also a man from going insane!<p>Cheers
K

Your wife is a real piece of work. It is so sad the way she humiliates and disrespects you. I would certainly inform the OM's wife and inform his place of business where he works. You must have been in shock to apologize to the OM for her affair.
I am afraid that you are still in shock and are co-dependent on her. The fact that she was having an affiar with your best friend for years is a double betrayal and now telling you she will leave
you for another old boyfriend in June is too much.
I suggest you contact your lawyer immediately and
protect your assets. Your wife does not care about
you so it is time you care about yourself and save yourself before she totally destroys you. Good Luck.

Thanks for your words Bryanp. I am determined she is not going to break me or my bond with our two girls. She has told me that she knows she will lose everything, including the girls, by walking out.<p>Her logic defies me I'm afraid, but then again I have never been tempted to have an affair in all our years of marriage. Perhaps I am the fool? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>K

To BFG:<p>You are not the fool. You are a man of integrity who believe in committment and the vows you made in your marriage. It is your wife who is a selfish fool who has lost her moral code and certainly has a serious character defect. This is a woman who has put your health at risk and for years had sex with your best friend. What kind of a person would do this? Now she wants to leave you for an old boyfriend and see if it works with this guy regardless how it effects you and your children?
I think you need to step back and see what a sad and pathetic figure she is.
You are a man of integrity and she is a woman has no moral values and clearly cares only for herself and her desires to the detriment of others. She is a liar and a cheater. My friend you deserve a lot more than this. By the way, I would not want my children to be raised by a person who has such a lack of values. What kind of a role model is she? Please see your lawyer. Good Luck.

I am very angry at the moment, justifiably I believe. However, my W has been a wonderful mother to our daughters. I am just totally confused by her sudden recent change in character. I thought our history of her affair 14 years ago was long since "dead and buried".<p>I am not a perfect man (I'm sure women would say they don't exist anyway) and I am more than willing to accept a fair degree of blame in the problems we are having, but I find I appear to be getting all the blame. She is not willing to even read any of the articles from MB site which I'm sure would help her to see things in some sort of perspective.<p>Anyway I have a meeting with a counsellor tomorrow, we'll see what the thoughts are there. Up to the present my W is refusing to come there with me even though I told her it was her opportunity to tell a third "neutral" party the truth about me, so I can her it clearly and have it spelled out to me, because I'm sure I understand very little of it at the moment.<p>Thanks for the feedback it really is appreciated.
K

I wish you luck tomorrow. What I am going to say is very important. Do not accept responsibility for an affair. Of course people have problems in their marriages but it in no way justifies cheating, lying and being sexually intimate with another man especially your best friend. A mature adult discusses the issues with their spouse and if it does not work then seeks counseling, separation and or divorce. She is attempting to have you share the fault for her sleeping with
your best friend for years. Do not accept this at all. By the way from your previous message are you absolutlely certain that your children are in fact your children.
The point I am trying to make is that she has made a conscious effort to have sexual affairs with other men and you are not at fault for this and please do not accept her attempt to spread the blame. I wish you luck.

Had brilliant counselling session yesterday. I concluded that I am allowing myself to be taken for a ride by my W and OM. Also that I can do something about this. I will become more pro-active and stop sitting passively hoping it will all go away and that we will live happily ever after, when deep down I know it has gone beyond that point. I Came away feeling good with myself and smiling whilst oozing a little confidence. I don't think my W liked this. I didn't look upset and I was even smiling. It didn't take long (less than 24 hours) however for W to turn screws on again and twist the knife she has metaphorically pushed into my heart.<p>Well it seems I am the fool after all. I am the only party worrying and working towards reconstructing our marriage. W father has come back from hospital appointment which has confirmed he has incurable cancer - myeloma - (just to add to our hell at the moment). My W was openly telling me what the consultant said, etc., etc. I asked "are you okay?" and got the reply "I've got to be haven't I?". Ten minutes later I find she has e-mailed OM saying "I could do with a hug right now". I was furious when I read this. (She doesn't know I know ... yet!!)<p>So I went on to read last nights e-mails only to discover that she had travelled 65 miles to meet up and spend yesterday with OM. She had lied to daughter saying she was going to be with a girlfriend for the day. I have had it ..... I am working out my plan now ... when do I kick her out ...? she has used the daughter's exams as an excuse for her to remain "comfortable and relatively secure" in our home playing "nice" mum whilst she plays the field to see if OM is compatible. Well they must be compatible because she has written quote, she "...fances spending a night away with him in the next couple of weeks if he can sort it without getting any hassle at home...!" I don't believe this is happening to me ..... someone help keep me sane please!<p>K [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]