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#57711 03/18/02 10:28 PM
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I've been married to a wonderful woman for 18years. She was married at 18 to a very rotten man 10 years older than her. She had a son and after three yeas she left. After leaving him she had two one night stands. One with a man she knew somewhat and another with a guy from a bar. I met her and fell in love with her. She was very insecure and had no self worht. We married and I adopted her son. We have 5 other children of our own. About six month ago the adopted son moved out with his girlfriend which create a lot of dissapointment and pain for me. Afterwards I began to feel angry toward my wife and the issues from her past started bothering me. We have talked and she says she is embarrased and feels like a fool for marrying the bad guy. She says the first one night stand happened because she wanted to feel attractive and desired by someone. She said the second one was lust. She says she sorry, but I feel she just doesn't really see the seriousness of these mistakes. they are driving me crazy. I think about them constantly now. I wonder what happened and how it got to sex. I love my wife and I know this is unhealthy, but I don't feel I'm not hearing from her what I need to hear in order to move on with our marriage. I had sex with one other girl before her. I had a relationship for a year with this person. I never fooled around alot because I did not want my wife to have to deal with that. Now I feel cheated for not doing it. I feel if I go and have sex with someone now I would feel better.I know this is silly, but i can not help my feeling. How do I accept this and move on. I feel like this is all unfair to bring up to my wife now, but if we don't deal with it it's going to break us apart.

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OK, Let me get this straight! You are married to a woman who before you had a bad husband and two one night stands. Is that correct? After that, you met her and married her. There has been no infidelity, but you have your mind on these incidents from before. Is that an accurate appraisal of the situation?<p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

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Tim, you have definitely opened yourself up for some "flaming." Most women are going to take offense to your remark about your wife's past "mistakes" and her inability to see the "seriousness of her mistakes." If you think your situation is bad, you should read up on (hol)'s thread in "other topics" entitled "Do numbers really matter."<p>I, though, can understand where you are coming from. My wife had sex with 5 people prior to us having sex and she was my first time. It is a hard thing to imagine how they got to the point of having sex with the other person. I have struggled with that for some time now. But I have also come to realization of how silly it is for me to stress over it. I cannot change the past nor can she. What helps me is knowing that since we have had sex together there has been no one else having sex with her. This has been going on for 14 years now. She doesn't even remember what it felt like to be with someone else.<p>I also had the thought that having sex with someone else would somehow make my situation better. What a foolish idea! If anything, it will make the situation worse because now you have to deal with infidelity in your marriage.<p>Believe me Tim, this problem will not break up your marriage if you don't let it. You have to be stronger than that. Now is that time to fall in love with your wife all over again. Put your energy and focus into that instead of the past. The present and the future are so much more important. In time you will come to that realization. Good luck.

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Yes, spt_fl that the correct situation, and believe me I understand the situation and how unfair this is to my wife. Sometime satan can really drive you nuts with bad issues. As silly as it all sounds in talking with some couselers
it very common for past issues to come up later in a marriage if they are not dealt with in the begining which these were not. I hate my self and for these feeling, but I have to deal with them or they will continue to haunt us. I want them dealt with correctly in a godly manner and laid to rest for ever. i love my wife with ever piece of me and I have never hurt her in any other way. So this is tearing me apart knowing I'm hurting her. She admitted last night that she has not taken full ownership o her mistakes. We had a talk and she finally said some things I needed to here. Fun thing is going through all this and talking has actually made us more intimate, and closer. She says she understands my feeling and we are working through this as a unit not individuals.

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Thanks for the support jsg.<p>I guess your situation is very similar to mine. I am deeply in love with my wife. I had made a very strong effort to constantly reassure her of my love, devotion and commitment. I know having sex with some one else will only help in destroying things, and I have fought it with all my might. i would never want to break 18 years of just my wife a I. There has been no one for either of us in that time and I don't won't to damage that. I'm working on this and praying with my wife for the removal of this burden. I'm ashamed of myself for having these feeling, but I'm having faith in God and my marriage.

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OK guys. I would like to hear one reasonable justification for allowing your concerns, worries, questions, etc to continue. You say that her past actions that occurred prior to your relationship bother you and yet, I don't believe that it is any of your business to mind. Can you give one legitimate reason to dwell on that?<p>Let me give you some reasons that however you must, you must LET IT GO.<p>1. You are punishing your W for her honesty. She told you the truth and now you are holding it against her when there is nothing she can do about it.<p>2. You didn't let this stop the marriage, but only now afterwards are you going to pound her with this.<p>3. You have put your W in a no win catch 22 situation that is unbelievably unfair. First off, five or six sexual excapades in her life amounts to squat. Second, what is she supposed to do? <p>4. By what right do you think that you deserve some explanation? She doesn't need your forgiveness. Let it go.<p>5. What would you think if she discovered that one of your family members was a reformed druggie and then decided to hold that against you? Put yourself in her shoes and try to figure out how you are supposed to deal with this.<p>This is simple. Find a way to let it go and that is that. Don't give excuses. Understand that what you are doing is unbelievably unfair and decide that you are going to let it go. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

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By the way, there is only one godly way to let this go. Your W needs no forgiveness. She has not sinned against you. This was 18 + years ago! Dude, the statute of limitations on this is up by a long margin. JUST LET IT GO, PERIOD.<p>You have no right to concern yourself with this.<p>Stop thinking about it. Stop dwelling on it. Ask your W to forgive you for talking about it if you have. Then STOP. Over time, it will go away.<p>Otherwise, you will destroy your W and your M.

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spt_fl:<p>I am going to assume that you have gone through this problem before and therefore, you are justified in your response to Tim. However, if you have not been through this, then you have no idea what you are talking about.<p>Tim's feelings (however silly you might think they are) are valid and have given him some grief within his marriage. I think Tim realizes the harm his feelings about his wife's prior relationships will do to his marriage if he allows them to over take him. I don't think Tim will allow that, though. He took the first right step by addressing his concerns here so that he might find someone who has gone through the same thing and survived it.<p>Unfortunately, it is not so simple to quit thinking about it. Overtime this will come for Tim and I have ever belief that he will succeed. This is not about forgiveness. This is about Tim coming to terms with his own feelings on the issue of his wife's premarital sex along with his own.<p>Tim, I told you that you would get "flamed" for this issue.

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Hi Tim,
I have been married to my husband for 18 years. I had been with other men before him. I have been totally devoted to him our whole marriage.
Why in God's name would you bring up your wife's past and try to haunt her with it. Grow up. My husband-who had other women before we met, has had one confirmed A, and I think there were others. I love him with all of my heart. It does not matter what happened before she even met you. The pain that I have gone through as a betrayed spouse is unimaginable-as you will find with most BS's on this board. Please wake up and don't ruin your marriage and hurt your children so that you can "even the score". If you were truly a Christian as you claim to be, you would know that was wrong. I don't want to be cruel, this just hits close to home. Your wife would be blindsided by your infidelity and she does not deserve it. Has she been a good wife and mother?
I am still with my husband, and believe me, the pain never leaves me. I don't feel pain about the women that he had before we met, but the pain of his betrayal to me is constant and deep. Please get over this, your wife is not the same person that she was more than 18 years ago. We all grow up and learn from our mistakes, don't make one that you will regret...and stop reminding her of the ones that she made in the past with her one night stands. Only God can stand in judgement, and if she has made her peace with him and herself, let it go before you hurt her. Just my opinion, and just trying to help. Sorry if I have offended you, that is not my intention.

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Nope, I disagree entirely. If these were concerns that were brought up prior to the marriage, that is one thing. Nope, these issues are coming up after the marriage. Wrong. It is just plain wrong to slap her with this now.<p>I have never experienced this and the fact is that nobody needs to experience this to see the basic unfairness of it. You are having these feelings over issues that are invalid.<p>I suspect that this is merely cover for other, less savory feelings. This sounds more like plain old fashioned insecurity.<p>Nonetheless, this just isn't right. Give me ONE justifiable reason for any of this.
[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

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spt_fl, I'm glad it's so easy for you to disregard other peoples feeling especially when you have never been through a situation like this. Sometimes things are not as easy as they seem from the outisde. I learned that the hard way and it looks like you'll have to also. I think I've made this abundantly clear that I hate having these feelings and I'm fighting them. My wife understands my feelings and that's the only person I need to understand them. I know everything you've stated that's the reason for the conflict within myself. My wife was hurt alot before me and the last thing I ever want to do is hurt her, but I would ahve hurt her more by keeping this to myself and cheating on her. And yes she does want my forgiveness which I have given her. With your it so easy attitude you sound like someone who has not experience real life issues. I'm not passing judgement that's just the way you come across. I hope in the future you can handle all of your own problem as easy as you see this one. If it was so easy I would have gotten pst it by now. Our problem is we never really addressed things in the begining.
Unfortunately things come back to haunt you.

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mt, Growing up has nothing to do with the issue.
No matter how unfair or silly people feeling are they are still their feeling. Everyone has feeling they don't want unfortunately over coming them is not that easy sometimes. I am a christian and I have commited this to God and ask for his strength and leadership. Being a christian is the only reason I act on my feeling. I trust my wife and she is my best friend, so I went to her with my feeling. She has been understanding and loving and we are working through this as one. I'm sorry for the pain and suffering I never want my wife to go through any of that. What I don't understand is I came to this site for hopefully some advice from women, but all I'm getting is grief. I'm not stupid I've stated over and over I love my wife I hate myself for these feeling and I feel myself it's unfair to her, andI want to rid myself of them. Here a man tries to do the right thing and he gets flamed for ti. No one other than jsg has helped me at all. Sometime you just need to here a certain thing from someone to move past things. My wife and I talked the other night and she said something I had been waiting to here from her and I was like instantly I could feel my anger and frustration begining to fade away. I love my wife and in my heart I have no desire for another woman. I could never find another woman that could life up to the expectations she has set for a wife. <p>jsg, thanks for the help and advice. You've helped me more that you'll ever know. I was hoping someone had been through this before and could help me. We both are truly blessed that our love for our wifes is greater than the past.

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timhh,
I didn't mean to offend you. I do understand. When I first met my H I had a hard time dealing with the pain of his being with other women, but now that I have been married to him for 18 years,and he was unfaithful during the m, I know that the past really didn't matter, because I was not in the picture then. Your wife chose you to love, and for 18 years has been married to you. I guess I misunderstood when you stated that you wanted to be with another woman to make you feel better. I just didn't want to see you destroy something that you had worked so hard to build.
I know I'm not the same person I was more than 18 years ago, are you? I really didn't mean to "flame" you, just wanted to make you see that if there has been no cheating during the marriage,
then you have a beautiful thing to hold on to,
Please accept my appology if I offended you.
mt

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Hi Tim,
Im coming from the woman's perspective here, so i hope what happened in my situation may shed a little light on yours.
H and i have been married for 9 years and in the beginning had the kind of relationship where we did speak about things. H however, wasn't ever openly emotional about deep feelings.
We spoke (he joked) about the fact that i had been with other "boyfriends" before we got married and that he had been with no-body. For him, this was somewhat of an issue. Over a few years, the subject came up in conversation with his brother and i a few times. His brother had said to him, nothing is worth the feeling you will have if you end up in a one night stand. But to H, im not sure that his brothers words could take that feeling away.
I guess for a man who hasn't "sewn his seed" elsewhere there can be an inner struggle. H and i seperated two and a half years ago, in the October... we continued on with M counselling. The issues that we seperated over were not about him wanting to be with another woman, so that was the furtherst thing from my mind. We had other M problems that needed to be fixed.
Just prior to that Christmas H pulled out of counselling. Christmas morning, he never showed up to see the kids unwrap their presents. It was heartbreaking for me and the children to spend that time alone, so we went to my parents place for lunch. H showed up there at about 2.30 in the afternoon and was apologetic, yet very very stand offish with me. He left with the kids and for one week was cold, distant and very removed. In my heart, i knew something had happened and joked with my sister that he had spent the night with another woman.
Unfortunately, 6 months later i found this to be true. Foolishly i had been to have my "tarot cards" read. Something that i do not believe in, but was obviously searching for answers in all the wrong places. The reader told me he had been unfaithful to a comittment we made each other, something very important. Instantly i knew that he had been with another woman and my head told me exactly when it was. The next day H came over to my place, i confronted him and he told me the truth about that Christmas eve.
Im not sure how we made it through the next six months.
I can tell you that for him and for i, it was a living hell. The arguments, the deceipt the feelings of mis-trust and the roller coaster of emotion that we both went through was enough to break us completely. Being physically ill with hurt is not something that anyone should have to experience.
We are still separated 2 1/2 years later... in that time though we have been back together, trying to work things through, however, he moved out again not long ago. Trying to figure out what he really wants. We have been through enough hurt in all that time to last us more than a lifetime.
Now, i ask that God heals our hurts, time helps also.. but it has taken a long time. Being a woman, to have your man do "the act" with another woman to satisfy a boyhoood want is devistating. To have him justify it by saying that i had more men before we married also hurts. I guess ultimately, two people who love each other can make it through anything.
You haven't comiited any sin against your wife yet, the fact that you can talk..... and keep talking about what is in your heart and head is a good sign. Keep talking to her, keep telling her how you feel... but please.... please, for both your sakes, think think think before you take that step that could lead you both to a heartbreak i guarentee you don't want to feel.
Steph

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No problem mt I understand this all sound so wierd, and after what you've been through I understand your comments. I am commited to my wife and know I have a truly special woman. If she wasn't so special to my heart all these feeling would not be hard. Apology accepted!<p>Shinobi, Thanks for the story it's more of what I was hoping to here. I'm truly sorry for your misfortune. I sat my wife down yesterday and apologized for all I have put her through the past six month. I know she doesn't deserve any of the grief. I know the mistakes she made was becasue did not know what true love was. She thinks going through all of this has actually helped us to be stronger as a couple. I told her it was my mistake to not deal with this all in the bgining. I came from a home where I understood what love was and the importance of sex in a relationship. She came from one where she was loved, but she had no idea what loving someone was. Sex was not the special thing she knows it is now. She just wanted someone and thought sex would get them. I feel blessed I was the one to help her learn this that's why I would not want to destroy it all. Sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the tree. I've known the forest is there even though I've had trouble seeing it the past six month. I'm very sorry your husband could not see it before he tore your lives apart. I came from a broken home and he'll never really know the pain he's brought upon his children and the two of you. He made that woman more important than his children something that will be hard to forgive himself for down the road. I'll pray for the healing of your family. I'm sorry If I came off wrong in my earlier E-mail, but I knew how unfair things are to my wife and how wrong my feeling were that's why i came here for advice and support. All I was getting was finger pinting and people telling me what I already knew. I truly thank you for sharing your story I know it was not easy for you.

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Timhh
I had to tell you my experience...I have been married to the same person for 34 almost 35 years. We were very young 18 & 19 when we married.
Before I ever met him, I got into trouble with someone a lot older. I was 15 he was 24, I was so head over heels in love with this "older man". Well I became pregnant, and he ran for the woods. I gave the baby up for adoption, talk about tearing your heart out, that pain never goes away. but I could not provide the kind of home she deserved, and it was not her fault that she was born into that situation.
Anyway, to get to the point, I started dating my future H as a senior in high school, when he proposed I told him about my past and made the comment "you don't want to marry me". You know what he said? I didn't fall in love with you then, I fell in love with you now. After all these years that is the most precious memory of all.
Isn't the same true for you? Your W cannot un-do the past, and you love her for what she is now.

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<small>[ November 15, 2003, 01:42 PM: Message edited by: Roscoe ]</small>

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Hi Tim,<p>I so understand your feelings. I too have very strong beliefs about premarital sex and the importance of purity. I'm dealing with the same thing and I wish someone had the antidote to just get rid of the feelings b/c they truly do hurt. <p>I just got married 3 months ago and I am having a very hard time with my H's past. He's been with so many women he can't remember their names or even know their names. Of coure these were in his pre-Christ days so it's a little easier to accept. Christ comes and changes our lives totally. However, when we met he lied to me about someone he had sex w/ after he became a Christian...and that one really bothers me. I just found out about it this week. The reason I'm bothered is b/c I had committed myself to purity and wanted a husband who had the same conviction. He knew this and that's why he didn't tell me. He knew I would have left the relationship. I'm sure I'm going to get clobbered for that comment, but if you have certain criteria who's to judge that? Anyway, I feel like I married him under false pretenses. But now I am married to him and I love him with every beat of my heart and I could never let him go. That's why I asked him this question in the beginning...so I wouldn't fall in love with someone who didn't meet my criteria. <p>So here I am heartbroken over this newfound truth and wondering how to get rid of the hurt that I feel. I do know that God had a reason for not allowing me to know this until now. I believe it was b/c He knew that if I knew, I would have ended the relationship right then. I believe this is the man that God has chosen for me.<p>I think I feel hurt b/c seeing that he has the capacity to sleep with anyone makes me wonder if I'm really special to him or just another notch on his belt. It also makes me concerned that he has the capacity to cheat b/c sex is not an emotional bond. That scares me. But the truth is I want to be special to him. He says I am and that no one else mattered, but I don't see how that's possible. It looks to me that sex is strictly physical...to satisfy the sexual need to him and to me it's intimate...sacred. Something God designed to be shared between a husband and wife ONLY. <p>Going through all this has made us both see why God instructs us to keep the marriage bed holy. It's unfortunate we live in a society where that is not taught.<p>As for the person who said your wife didn't sin again you by having sex with anyone but you, I totally disagree. Granted she didn't know you then so didn't deliberately sin against you, but the truth is she gave a part of herself which belonged to you, to someone else. (I'm not 'slamming' your wife by that comment.) HOWEVER, the Bible teaches us that we are to forgive just as Christ has forgiven us and we all know that every one of us has sinned against God far greater than any other human has sinned against us. I think you said you also had premarital sex, but with you, it sounded like it was a real relationship...love involved. I think that's why it's hard for us to understand people who have sex w/o love. But the same holds true...you gave a part of yourself that belonged to your wife to another person.<p>So with all that said, I know I'll get slammed here too. I'm just expressing my feelings and trying to explain why I feel the way I feel. No one can tell another person that their feelings are not valid. We just have to learn to deal with them in a healthy godly manner...which I see you and your wife are doing...as are me and my husband. He too is going through this with me, patiently I might add. And we are looking to God to heal our hearts and bring us closer. I am happy to hear you and your wife are getting closer through this. It's like the Bible says, "He causes all things to work for good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes". What satan tries to use to harm us, God always turns it around for good in our lives and it always brings Him glory.<p>God bless you and your wife...thanks for posting this.

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Thanks for the responses. 34years I feel the same way about my wife. I knew this before we were married and I accepted it. My wife was very insecure and had very little self worth when this happened with her. I know that and I understand it. When I met her she put on this tough girl act and I really did not have any interest in her, but she called me and we went out and I saw this very scared person in her that she was trying to hide. I fell in love with her and still am. I actually think those other guys really screwed up not snatching her up. She is the most caring, loving person I've ever met. She takes exceptional care of me and is a wonderful wife.That's why I feel so bad letting any of this bother me. Roscoe hit a lot of thing on the head. I know these feeling are from the jerk side of me I feel I should ahave experimented more because she did, but I know she was doing it hoping it would start a relationship not just for the fun of it. I feel sad for her at that time,a dn really wish I could have been there for her then. I fight these feelings with ever thing I have. We pray together before we start each day for God strength for us to focus on each other throughout the day. I would rather never think of any of this again. I see the pain in her eyes when she talks about it and the shame. She tells me she doesn't deserve me because she did this and it hurts me, but I tell her she more than deserves me and I would not be who I am without her.
I know it comes from insecure emotions we are working to over come this. She has work as hard as I have to get us through this. I give her a lot of credit.
Jsimon, I'm sorry your husband was not honest with you. My wife was too honest with me in the begining so much so she can not remember what she told me. I believe you should clear the air about each other past before you get married. I think that way all card are on the table and everyone can make a clear decision. Eventhough my wife was honest with me in the begining we never discussed the issues this was a mistake and the reason were dealing with it now. Good luck!


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