My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years. Coming the end of April it will be 8 years. We are an Air Force family, and much of the year 2001 was spent apart...first for 3 months, then 5 months after that. He left in Sept of 2001 to serve in Operation Enduring Freedom. I n the time that he was gone the second time, we had to go to California for emergancy leave. He was flown back to the states because his grandmother was very ill at the time. Me and our boys, 6 and 2 met him there.
While we where there, we received in email from an his Ex-Girlfriend from highschool in our Hotmail acct, which we share jointly. He is registered at differnt highschool alumni sites and this includes our email and also a link to our family web site. <p>He and his EX dated for about 2 years. At one point in time, she was even pregnant with his child, but unfortunatly chose to "not keep the baby". This was devastating to him. He left California and moved up to Washington with some friends to have a "Fresh Start". When he and I met, 10 months had passed since her abortion and he was still pretty devastated at all that happned. We become very close, and then started a realtionship. He had other relationships since he arrived Washington, but I was the only serious one. When he and I met, I found letters in his room from her. She singed these letters with her first name and his last. The way that we would explain is was that she wanted more that he could ever give. But he had never broken up with her, never really gave her any reason as to why he left her in the first place. He just left. About 1 year after the abortion, he went back to California to visit family for the holidays. At this time, he and I were serious. We had been together for 5 months. While he was there, they met for coffee and at that point she told him that if he were to come back to California, that her family would pay for him to go to school and give him a free apartment. He never gave her an answer, or never even told her about us. Then 4 months after the last time they spoke, we were married. Before we were married, we burned all the letters that he had ever received from her and said that is all in his past... <p>Now here is is almost 8 1/2 years after they ever had contact and she has popped back into his life. She contaced him and he then responded to her...she then wrote him back giving her phone numbers to her home, work and her cell phone. I told him that I didn't want him to see her and when he asked me why, I couldn't answer...I guess because of my own insecurities. We talked about it, and I left it up to him. I was scheduled to leave California and return home 2 days before he was to leave to go back to where he was serving overseas. He said that he never went to see her. <p>One thing I do have to add too is that my EX boyfriend and I have kept a good friendship after our break up. I was introduced to my husband by my EX and we all were friends together. We all hung out, and my EX and I have kept our friendship. But my husband considers him a very close friend to him too. When it all came up about him seeing his EX again, he said that it wasn't fair that I could be friends with my EX and he couldn't be friends with his. I told him that this new situation is differnt because he had never made an effort to be friends with her in the past. Never once thought about her or even getting in touch with her. The way he broke things off didn't leave any closure for either of them. He just left with out any type of explation to her. And now she wants to come back into his life. My husband and I were discussing my realtionship with my EX and it came up that if while we were dating, if he asked me not to be freinds with my EX any longer, what would I have done? I told him that back then, I probably would have broken up with him because in my eyes, he would have beeen picking and choosing my friends. He was devastated by this comment that I had made and was very upset about it. He couldn't understand it. The way he explains is now is that, "It makes me think that if given an ultimatum, you would have chosen an ex over me...and we wouldn't be here 8 years, and 2 kids later." <p>After he returend to his overseas location, he was very distant. Before we saw eachother again in California, it had been 4 months. In that 4 months, we both we would chat back and forth and express to eachother how we felt about eachother and what we both wanted out of our marriage. Our chats weren't the same at all..actually, they seemed more like tension between us. I would ask was was wrong and it was like he was dodging a bullet. When he returend overseas, he had only 1 month left on that deploymen. I could just tell that things weren't the same. He returend home 3 weeks ago and I had all sorts of mixed emotions. I didn't really know how to feel about why he was being so distant. We did receive another email from her 4 days after he got home...Come to find out, they have been keeping in contact with eachother since he returned overseas. <p>I found a calling card in his wallet and called the 800# to "research" where he was calling. To my surprise I found out that he had called her one time while overseas, and 2 other times since he has been home. The last two calls were made from a Phone booth twice last week. I was so upset and felt betrayed. I confronted him and he denied it. I kept drilling him and finally 1/2 an hour later he finally fessed up. I asked him why he felt the need to call her and why he lied to me, he said he didnt' know...I asked him if he was having old feelings for her, he said he doesn't know what it is. He said maybe he felt bad about what he did to her. He admited to me while we were together that he never had closure. I asked what they talked about and he said the last 10 years. All three phone calls were no longer than 20 minutes. I asked if he was going to call her again, and he said, "It isn't like that" But he still can't explain these "Feelings" that he is having after getting in contact with her again all these years. <p>The day after I found the calling card, we attended our first marriage counseling session. I told him it was either that or nothing at all. He left for work that morning telling me that he doesn't know if we wants to go or if it will help. I made an appt. regarless and called to tell him when it was, and if we wanted to go, then he knew where and what time. <p>I was very happy that yes, he did decided to go. During the session there was a lot of crying on my part, and he too is very confused. He doesn't know what these feelings are tword his EX and said that he wants them to "go away". He doesn't blame me for getting upset at all. He said that I have every right to get mad and be hurt over his lying to me and keeping things from me. <p>The counselor asked us what we both want, I couldn't answer and neither could he. She said that she thinks we know what we both want, but we are afraid of failure and rejection. What I do know is that I do want him in my life and want to work out our problems. We both have been "working for a very long time" but have also spend a lot of time apart this past year. I just don't know what to think...He said he doesn't know what these "Feelings" are that he is having. What keeps running through my mind is what did he tell her about us? Did he say that he misses her? Do they talk more than I know, and have they spoken more often that I think? <p>The very same we had our counseling session, we got the grim news of his Grandmother passing away. He left the next day to go to California. I know he is grieving. Before he left I told him that I am going to be right here when he gets back and that I am not going anywhere. When I asked him if I had Lost him, all he could say is that he can't think right now...he has other things going through his mind which is understanding considering what has happend with us and with his Grandmother. <p>I can't help to think if he is going to see her while he is there. Every time he calls I find myself asking what he did, how did he spend his day, was he by himself and so forth. My insecurities are getting the very best of me. <p>Why would he feel the need to keep things from me? He did say he was very angry at the comment that I made about what I would have done if he had asked me not to be friends with my EX. He said in our counseling session that a combination of that and the fact that his EX conatacted him has his mind going on all sorts of directions. He was also asked where we wants to go with the feelings he has for his EX and where he wants her in his life, he said "I don't Know!" <p>Now I can't help but wonder what direction my marriage is headed to. When he returns, we will go back to counseling. I can't help but wonder if he wants I guess, to go back to her? To rekindle old feelings again...or if he really does need closure. Am I bad for not wanting her in our life and still having my ex in our lives? I need anyone's input. Even though he didn't physically cheated on me, I feel that he emotionally cheated on me with her....calling her behind my back, and has probably emailed her too. I did call her and asked her for her honesty if he called her and she denied it to no end! Now if things were really as innocent as "catching up on old times" then why would she deny it? <p>All I know is that I do love my husband and we do have our problmes. We both are a mess of emotions right now. I don't know which direction to go...How can I get past the hurt of him lying to me and how can we move on...How can I accept or should I even accept a friendship that the two of them want to start after all these years. <p>After I spoke with my husband lastnight, seems that things are just in a downward spiral. He said he loves me, and is still in love with me, but he doesn't know if he wants to say and fight it out. I asked him, "If you are still in love with me, then how can you sit there and say to me that you don't want to try" He just said, "I want to try, but I just don't think that we can make it." I am so torn by this I don't know what to do. He is still very quite, he is still in California dealing w/ the loss of his Grandmother...But how can I pick up the peices of my marriage if my husband is unsure? I just don't know what to do...

I feel for you and my prayers are with you also! No one ever said a marriage is easy. There are ups and downs. Once TRUST is broken it is VERY HARD to trust again. But, if your love is strong for him then hold on to that marriage as long as you can. You will know when to give up and you are the only one to know when or if that time will come. It is so hard to love someone and someone not to love you back the same.
As for the EX, she may be just trying to stir things up with you both. I do too wonder why she didnt just tell you the truth about the calls. H didnt tell you cause he didnt want you to worry and didnt want to hurt you. Men do not understand that when they try not to hurt you that they seem to hurt you worse.
As I see it! At least H went to the sessions. That at least shows he does care and love you very much. He is showing he is trying. If he was to leave you for that OW (that hurt him so much), he will be hurt by her again. But, when it does it may be too late for H to come back. You and your children deserve to be happy and loved. It is so hrd to keep someone if they dont lov eyou the same way. I, like you, am dealing with that too in my life. I love my H so much, but he doesnt feel the same as I do after 7 yrs of M. I put up with more than any woman would of. I still love my H and I may have lost him to the OW for now. I still have him in my heart but, I am trying to put all my love and care in my two little boys. I am focusing on making them as happy as I can for now. And going out with friends when they are with their father. No one knows what the future is or what we should do. Life is hard! But, stick in there and dont give up too easy. Let H know you can be strong! I will pray for your family!
I may of not helped you out. And I may of confused you more. But, know I am here for you.

Thanks for responding..I have been checking everyday to see if anyone has responded...<p>Thanks so much for you input...I do agree...I have to think about my kids and my needs. I know that I do love him, and I know that he does love me. He is dealing with so much. Us being apart for 8 months total of this past year, his grandmother's illness and now death, and his EX who he never had any clouse with. My T tells me that it all ties in together as to why he would have his doubts...He lost his Grandmother to death, he lost a child to death (abortion) and he never was able to close the book on that chapter in his life. It is all coming down on him leaving him very confused. I have no doubt the he loves me...He tells me everyday. He is still down in Cali, today is the funeral. What my T told me to do is not to act resentful tword him, but to love and nuture him. At the same time, take care of myself too. If he sees what a strong person I can be, then maybe he too can see the strength within him not to give up so easily. I believe that too. We have endured so much over the past year, I want to do everything in my power to show him that yes, things are rough, but we CAN work through them. I am happy that he is going to go to counseling..but like I told him, he has to feel it in his heart that he wants to make it work. He told me he does want it to work, but just doesn't think it can...what that said, I think, now this is just my opinion, that he just doesn't know "how" to make it work. We have to TRY. WE have to make the effort to be able to communicate. The main reason why I am going to T is because I want to better myself for what may lie ahead in the future. He said that one of my qualities that he loves about he is my confidence within myself and how I handle things. I need to find that within myself FOR myself. Not for him. <p>After he spoke w/his sister, she told me that he is talking about the whole situation of keeping in touch with his EX. He feels guilty for leaving things the way that they were...where this guilt is steming from, I don't know, he has to find out. But she then made a great point to him...saying "If you make the decision to leave your family, what make you think that another 10 years down the road, you won't look back and reflect and think, "why didin't I try? why did I give up" You can't let your family suffer for choices that you made in the past. YOu need to focus on now and not live in the past." She even bought him a book on marriage. Not to push him, but just a little book that he can reflect on and look at so he can see what is sitting right infront of him. But he has to find his way back to me on his own. I just hope and pray that he can and will find it within himself to see that despite our communication problems, that we can learn to love unconditionaly again and that Yes we can work out. I believe in my heart that we can make it work. I have to hold on to my spirt. And that is what I am goind to do. Remember me and my sons. They are my life too....