I have tried, really tried to be a good husband and father, but whatever it is that I do never seems to be enough. I do not work overtime, I am always home for dinner, I spend and love spending time with my daughter. But whenever I take 5 minutes to myself, whether to read the newspaper or simply watch TV it becomes an issue! I have sat down and read a book through in almost 3 years, I do not go out with friends, nor out to do things that I like. <p>My wife carries a lot of baggage from her childhood. She grew up poor, so there is a sense for her that there is never enough money. Her father was alcoholic and beat her mother (she has told me this), and he died when she was 12. So I think she also has a deep seated fear of abandonment. I have really tried to be patient and understanding when she gets angry about things (often little things), like my going to the hardware store without telling her, and she screams uncontrollably. I just generally sit there and take, and when I am pushed to the brink and scream back she gets upset that I "scream" at her. It is so hard! She is not a bad woman, but I wish she would look at the blessings she has in her life: a beautiful daughter, a caring and loving husband, the chance to get a good education and pursue her own dreams. Instead, she looks at the negatives of insufficiencies and dwells on them. <p>On her growing up poor, she cannot get over how "unfair" it is that some people have and she did not (doesn't matter now that she has plenty; she constantly compares herself to others, tears them down if she doesn't like them. On her family who are still poor, she has little compassion - it is there own fault she will say. I've got out and worked hard and achieved, why can't they! <p>I guess I am just venting! I just don't know what to do.

Hi there Duck,
You've come to one of the best places to "vent". I guess there are times when we all need somewhere to vent about our respective partners. Ive followed your thread of posts along here and really had no idea what to write back to you. You're certainly in a difficult situation right now. It's very hard when one spouse isn't willing to compromise on points of contention.
June isn't very far away, so i guess you are looking for some answers and pretty quickly.
You have more than one issue going on here as well. You seem to be having difficulties communicating with your wife aside from the fact that career choices are also playing a major role in your problems.
First, im sorry that things are weighing you down at the moment. I hope you have family, friends and faith to get you through. Second, you and your W really need to sit and talk, openly and honestly about what you both want for the short and long term.
It also seems that both of you are placing emphasis on money. You need to earn $70k and she has no compassion for people who "dont succeed or are poor". To not be compassionate for her own family now that she has more than them seems a little selfish.
What do you want ? What are you prepared to sacrifice to keep your family unit together, are you prepared to compromise also?? you probably need to look at those questions and relate them to yourself. Your wife also needs to look at those questions, see what she is prepared to sacrifice.
Is she prepared to have a small seperation to finish her degree and then be with you later ? if not, are you prepared to put your work comittments on hold. Or are you prepared to find work where you are now and stay with your family?
Sometimes negative thoughts are very destructive and in the case of your wife her pattern of negative thoughts may be causing a rift in your marriage. Maybe, you both need to seek counselling together before any decisions are made, would you both be prepared to do that?
Pray for an answer, sometimes the one above can intervene when you think things are hopeless, or you do not know what to do.
But good luck to you.

Thanks. I have put things into God's hands at this point, until I can get home this weekend. I talked with my wife last night, and she was in a good mood. She was home from NY, with my daughter, the neighbor boys were over playing. She is weighing through things right now. I have faith things will work out for the best! However, no one ever said it would be easy! In the end, whatever happens I feel it should strengthen our marriage. <p>I've reiterated two things to my wife ever since I took the position that I have. I've said that if it seems in the long term (within 2-3 years) that my career does not work out for us as a family the solution is very simple: I get out and do something else. I have to be careful about dropping my position at this late point because I wish to stay in the same field of work. My organization is premier in the U.S., and I think my reputation could come out as someone who is not reliable. <p>I've broken down the current problem we are facing into two parts: 1) short-term; and 2) long-term. The short-term issue is how to deal with a possible separation. The long-term issue is how to bring both of our ambitions together. I truly believe that my wife must finish her degree, and that this will only strengthen our marriage. She hates having a feeling of dependence on me, so I see this as a means whereby she doesn't have this feeling. <p>God knows, my wife sometimes says that I am the glue holding our marriage together because I am patient and logical and do not react to things emotionally, as she does. She wears her emotions on her sleeve - when she is angry, sad, etc., you know it. I try to avoid anger, to think things through clearly, and to offer solutions. Perhaps there is a way to empower her in this as well. I just don't know how. <p>Anyway, thanks for listening.

Sometimes I do think that she can be a little selfish, but I also know that she loves her mother dearly. She (we) provides her with money when we can. Both of her sisters have also been helpful to us. They have been around and made sacrifices to assist us, and really without the two of them I do not think we would have the flexibility to do what we are doing right now! <p>I think there are some family dynamics that I do not quite understand at work here. My wife's younger sister is the only other person in my wife's large family to have graduated from college. She came to live with us for a year, and landed a good job back in the old country. Her husband (who we had thought of as a deadbeat) has joined her and also landed a good position. They have bought an apartment, etc. Her older sister lives with us now, and there are sometimes fights between the two of them. Sometimes I can see my wife's point of view (sometimes it seems we have to do a lot of hand-holding with her sister, and this gets in the way of our needing to do things ourselves)and sometimes I can see her sister's. In any case, we are both grateful to have her around. <p>I guess the really big issue in her family is her brother two years her senior. He lives at his mother's house with his wife and two kids. He is the only one doing so. All the other brother's and sisters, despite their own relative poverty have moved out. I am told by my wife, her sisters, her mother's neighbors that he does little to help around the house and that his feeling is that when Mom dies he gets the house. Mom has no clear title, and the way the law will work I guess is that possession is 9/10 of the law. His oldest daughter has even suggested as much! My wife has told her mother she should just kick him out! Mom is too big hearted to do this, but she is taken advantage of. <p>I think that one of the things that makes my wife's life so difficult is that she has had little trust and stability in her life. When she was 12 her father died, when she tried to get into university the first time she was denied because she could not prove membership in the Communist Party Youth Organization, in 1991 she arrived to begin her first term in university and suddenly found herself a foreigner in her own country (the country imploded and where there had been one there are now 15), she then had to deal with the collapse of the economy and living on a student stipend that would force you to choose between milk or bread, criminal gangs supposedly ruled her dorm (she's only talked about this in passing). She is definitely a survivor, and I guess what she has learned from all this is that the only person you can rely on is yourself. To some extent, she is correct, but she also has to learn that there are people who genuinely love her and wish her no ill will, who will help her. All she needs to do is ask.