If one partner has a particularily wild past (sex, drugs, rock and roll) with alot of experimentation, is it reasonable to ask her to do it again, even if she says she is past it?<p>Noting that she and her friends still get together and laugh about how crazy they were in their youths, and I am quite interested in experiencing these things.<p>Plus some of it, I would need her participation so as not to cheat on her, but she says she is not interested anymore?<p>Any thoughts? Is this unreasonable?

Hey Joe, I responded in part over on MarvMist's thread.<p> Are you talking orgy/group sex here or what. And with a GF.<p> Pal this site is about marriage. Not group sex with friends. <p> If I've got this wrong please set me straight. But first I'd encourage you to marry your GF. Then give up this idea of wild parties and sex.<p> This site is about family. And if you have to "cheat" to get what you want you're definately in the wrong place here. Marry the girl if you really love her and be suprised how good sex can be when you're doing it right.
Again sorry if I've got it wrong.

No you have got some of it right. I have been going through this site extensively and felt it was the appropriate place to post.<p>Basically I am feeling very conflicted and am attempting to address it before we get into anything to serious, although both she and I are interested in life together.<p>I have been reading about the number of men who find things out later about their partners past and feelings of regret.<p>While I do not begrudge her her experiences I am interested in also trying them. <p>I have not been particularily satisfied with much of what I have done, and others laughing about how wild and crazy they were burns me to a degree I suppose because much of it sounds like fun and I have not done it.<p>I am also concerned about what our children, if we have them will find out, as some of these people are very talkitive.<p>Maybe I am just being selfish, I don't know. But I offer her alot for the future, and much of what I am asking I don't think is being unreasonable, considering it has been done before.<p>I guess I am concerned about the future and getting over my own hangups pre-emptively. And not doing a particularily good job of it to boot.

Joe, I understand where your coming from my wife had more experiences than me and it bothers me.
I try to look at what we have together and how important this is to me. It's not worth doing something that would mess it all up. Your not married and if you feel your never going to be happy unless you get out and get wild you need to break things off with this girl and do your thing. Instead of letting it cause you confusion from here on out. Sounds like she had her wild time and is ready to settle down. I don't think it's good for her to be talking it up about how much fun she had I'm sure that adds to your desire. If you can not put this behind you and move on with her I think you should find someone who has lived their life more like you to have a future with. You will bring this up down the road when she realizes what a mistake she made and it will cause problems. If you intend to stay with her I do suggest you discuss everything about both your past now and then put it away for ever. It's a lot harder to deal with down the road believe me. What she consideres a good time will one day be a very sad time to her that won't be that easy to live with.

Joe,<p>This is one that I totally agree with Tim. Your GF has moved beyond that and that is her right. You have heard all of this stuff from her and now you would like to do it. I think that you might just find that the talk leaves out a lot, but I can understand it. If that is what you want to do and she no longer wants to, you are free to walk away and live the life you want.

It is a tough one though. One life so "standard" the other so "wild". Please take the quotes into account.<p>I realize that the talk probably leaves out a lot, however the stories change between what she says happened and what her friends do, or how she talks with her friends vs me.<p>I once brought up the, I think it was, the radical honesty idea about past history, and her opinion is that it is none of my business as mine is none of hers.<p>While true, the stories still do come out especially with her friends, and they become increasingly wilder (and quite frankly do sound like a great time).<p>So while it is not my place to judge her decisions and past, and she desperately does not want to be judged (said many times) and wants to forget it all happened (also said many times) she still maintains relationships with these people and talks about it.<p>I guess I am worried about our future and the ramifications on my/our lives and potential children. Not because she is a bad person, or I think she will be a bad mother, just what happens when kids find out what their mother used to be like, and the lifestyle she used to live. Maybe I do need a woman who has made similar decisions to me, I don't know.<p>Anyways, thank you for the posts, and any and all of your ideas.

Joe,<p>If her stance as your GF is that her past is none of your business, she is dead wrong. You and she are contemplating marriage, which is a life-long committment. In order to properly determine if there is a future between the two of you, you have to have all of the facts. She doesn't have the right to dangle this stuff in front of you and at the same time say that it isn't any of your business. If she wants you to consider her as a possible life-long mate, then it is entirely your business.<p>I would highly recommend that you not take the step of marriage without resolving ALL of this to your satisfaction. These are warning bells that you are hearing and you need to pay attention to them. If she doesn't want to resolve these issues with you, then you really can't move forward with her. This is advice that I wish I had paid attention to before.

I think that she is worried that if she shares her past I will leave her. Problem is, with it getting hinted at, and with fluctuating stories so I am never sure which is actually true, that is doing more damage than just knowing.

I would suggest that you have a little heart to heart with her. Let her know that this is all bothering you. You have a right to know all if you two are seriously considering marriage. Prior to marriage, both of you have to make an 'informed' decision. You can't make a reasonable decision without all of that information. If she can't be comfortable with sharing that with you and you can't be entirely comfortable with the thoughts that you are having, perhaps it is time to slow down and seriously consider what you are doing. <p>One of the biggie factors for determining how a marriage will survive time is how you react as a couple to problems. If you can't resolve problems, the marriage won't survive for long.<p>I am really recommending that you ensure that you two resolve this completely before seriously considering marriage. It will not be resolved after the marriage if you can't resolve it now and these problems DO NOT go away. You wouldn't be on this board if you did not have some legitimate concerns, which by the way, I commend you for coming here.

That is what I thought as well thanks. Unfortunately when we have one I get accused of thinking her friends are bad people, which they are not. And on, and on, and on. They usually end in fairly rousing fights with her storming off.<p>But better to deal with it all now than later that is for sure.

Joe, I have to question the intentions of your GF. You say she tells you she wants to move on and forget the past, but yet she is talking about what a good time it was and the fun she had? I then have to question your intentions your worried about what your children will think about their mother and her past yet you want to go do the same thing. My wife made mistakes and I have a hard time with it and so does she. She did nothing for the fun of it . It was because she was lost and confused. She deeply regrets it, and I'v let it bother me too much at times. If she was talking about it as fun and enjoyable I would have left by now. She grew as a person and has been a wonderful wife and mother. I think you need to move on and find someone who's ideas and past fits more into your lifes style. Not downing your GF, but if this all btothers you this much now it will bother you worse down the road. It won't be fair to her to bring this up down the road as I have. Believe me it will cause great pain and frustration.