I’m not sure if I’m posting to the correct area, but here goes.<p>My “marriage” is in big trouble and I need help fast! I say “marriage” in quotes because even though we have lived together for almost 5 years, we are not married. He has had 2 bad marriages (as have I) and says that because of the way he was raised, he would expect too much from me if we got married and he would turn into a monster. I am still not sure what to make of this. On one hand I am hurt because I feel that he does not care for me enough to marry me (he has said this in arguments) and on the other, I am trying to respect his wishes and be happy with what I have.<p>I have one son and one daughter from a previous marriage. The daughter is 13 and living with her father in another state. This is mostly due to the fact that my husband (now) and my daughter did not get along well at all for the 4 months they were together. Basically he told me it was her or him. My daughter also stated that she wanted to live with her father in Mo, and when she went for summer vacation one year (3 years ago) he kidnapped her and would not let her come home. <p>H begged me not to fight it and made it clear that we didn’t have the money to fight the court battle at the time (true) but was willing to buy my car for $1.00 so that I could have part of the money we made in the bank if I wanted to fight it. I did sell him the car, but never took the money. The money would not have been enough to fight the ex at the time, and to keep my guy happy, I did nothing. In the following years, I have tried not to feel resentful that he was not more supportive of the situation, and have not mentioned the incident again. Even though I was VERY hurt by what I felt was a abandonment of sorts (not standing by me) I have forgiven him for this. I carry the burden of my guilt for this myself.<p>I also have a son from a second marriage – which after the fiasco from my first marriage I asked for and rec’d full and complete custody. My son and I get along very well, he is 10 years old. He’s your typical 10 yr old, a little messy, a bit lazy at times - but basically does what he’s told and is unusually nice to people. His father lives in another state and seems happy with the arrangement. <p>Now there is a new baby from this man, who is now 2 years old. When he first found out I was pregnant, he asked me to get an abortion. I said that I would never do that, but that he would not have to support the child if he didn’t want the baby or me. This seemed to satisfy him. During my pregnancy, he vacillated between being protective and loving of me and stand-offish and cruel. There was one incident where he struck me and gave me a concussion when I was six months pregnant. I was protecting my 10 year old whom he has never really liked and was trying to hit him again for accidentally spilling a drink on his covers (which he offered immediately to clean up). Because he has been verbally and physically abusive to my son in the past, I am (too) quick to come to his defense when my husband tries to hurt him. My husband claims this is the crux of my problem. He says that I do not let him be a father, that I lecture him about how to act with my son, etc. he will call the boy names, tell him he is just a mistake left over from a previous relationship, tell him he is the cause of every argument we have, blame him for all of our fights, etc. I think this is unspeakably cruel and unnecessary and yes, I do come to his “rescue” under these circumstances. <p>In calm times, I try to tell H how I feel and help him come up with ways to speak with my son that gets his message across without abusing him. But when the child does something actually wrong (leaving out toys or clothes or not cleaning up after himself for example) and my husband wants him to clean it up or correct the mistake, I always back my husband as long as he does not scream or hit the child. I don’t know what else I can do!!!<p>We tried counseling once, but we were thrown out as a helpless case. I find myself more and more defending myself and my actions, arguing with him even when I know it is useless – knowing he will not hear me and doesn’t seem to want to hear me. <p>He has threatened to leave me so many times to gain compliance. He has left for several days at a time to go live in the “office”, where he lived before we met. We have a business together, of which I do most of the work, and had felt at times proud to be providing for my family and sometimes extremely resentful that he doesn’t help more when I need him. <p>I have asked him to help out more, but he at first said that I owed him a living, then said that he couldn’t do the work. In the last year, he has done more, but I still find myself working till 1am every night from home while he watches TV until 3 or 4 and sleeps in until 11 am the next day. I have tried to schedule time for us together, but all he wants to do with the time is watch TV. I don’t mind this once in a while, but don’t see watching TV as a bonding or growing closer. We don’t have any recreational hobbies together. I have tried to engage him in anything he might like to do with me, but he tells me that he “works” for his fun. I don’t mind working, but I don’t exactly find it relaxing! <p>He also has had a problem with me having any friends. I thought it was sweet at first that he wanted to spend all his time with me and the family. But after 4 years of living and working with him 24/7 I felt my life needs a little more variety. I suggested that I take a class, like pottery, from a local night school. He said no, that if I went I would just find another guy. This went on with everything I wanted to do. He only approved of me going out of the house for groceries and to business meetings. And even then, he would complain that the business meetings were unnecessary and should have been done over the phone or that I should be at home making more money. <p>I have never been unfaithful to him, never threatened to be unfaithful. He says this is from his previous relationships because all the other girls were unfaithful to him. I am constantly reminded of how all the other girls in his life have treated him and compared to them, even if I have done nothing to warrant the comparison. He says “it’s just a matter of time” and “you’ll just do…” and “the only reason you do such and such is because” and “you just think”. When I try to tell him what I really think or feel, he just interrupts me and talks over me like he doesn’t want to hear it. This usually makes me either very angry and I argue back with him (which gets nowhere) or more often very sad and quiet – wherein he yells at me to be more cheerful. <p>This year, despite his protests, I have decided to do more for myself to try to shake myself out of a major stress/depression I have been in. I have started taking my dog to agility classes on Saturday. I have invited H to join me or go with me or anything! He always says no. I have suggested that we take the kids to the park. He says no. We did go to 2 movies this year, but they were drive ins with the kids, because he only likes one baby sitter and then he said she was charging too much and he didn’t feel like the baby was being taken care of. He does not want me to find another baby sitter and will not find one himself. So again, I feel frustrated, lonely and trapped. When we are at the movies, he expects me to get all the food and drinks, watch the kids and take the baby somewhere if he cries. I don’t get a whole lot of fun from these movies.<p>He has said in the past that he would help with the business and the house, and we equally share the money that comes in from the business. We drew up a list of all the chores for the house and business together, and I was hoping that we could divide up the list so that we would both feel useful and productive without feeling resentful of the other. He claimed that if he did the laundry and cooked and “the 1000 other little things that go on” he should not have to do any of the rest of the list. He said he was resentful of me even considering asking him to do any more. I asked him what the 1000 things were, so I could appreciate them and he told me it was none of my business. Then he refused to cook for 6 months to punish us for not doing a better job cleaning the dishes. After the six months, in which he never said he was punishing us, just that he was too busy or that he wasn’t in the mood, he started cooking again, but only once or twice a week.<p>Needless to say, the situation has deteriorated over the last few months (again). I have asked him how I can make him happy and he either says that everything is fine (if he is in a good mood) or that he is leaving on May31st. It seems that every time he gets angry these days he threatens to leave on may31st. I find this very distressing to the point of tears. He then makes fun of me for crying and claims that I only cry to “piss him off”. Which of course makes me more depressed. <p>Last week was our son’s 2nd birthday. Birthdays have been an issue around here, but I have apparently been unaware of just how much of an issue they were until last week. For my H’s first birthday together, I threw him a huge party with all of his friends. He seemed to love it at the time, but later said he didn’t like it because they weren’t really his friends and that I hadn’t done a good enough job. For my first birthday together, I got a card and a cake. For his second birthday, I took the family on a hot air balloon ride over the city. He again, seemed very pleased about it at the time, claimed that he was wow’d by the present and was happy that we were all together on his birthday. Months later in an argument, he revealed that I was just being selfish with the present and that it really wasn’t for him, that it was for my son or for me. I asked him what he would like for his birthday next year, and that I was sorry that the gift did not please him. He said that he didn’t know. <p>He had been telling me before this how much he wanted to go on a balloon ride. For my next birthday, I didn’t even get a card. I didn’t say anything about it, or think anything about it much. He did tell me happy birthday and seemed sincere. <p>For his third birthday, he asked for a trip to a dude ranch. I made the arrangements and worked extra hard that year to make the money for the trip. By this time, the baby was born, was only 3 months old and we all went. Again, he seemed to have a great time, we arranged for a baby sitter and went horseback riding together, hot tubing together, etc. he had some problems with the people there when they asked him not to smoke in his room and spent the day brooding about it. I spent the day with him and even offered to leave with him if he wanted (something he was yelling about at the time). Again, 1 year later I hear how he never wanted the trip and never liked any of it. Again I asked him what he would like. He said just a cake and a card please. So the next year, my son and I baked him a homemade cake, his favorite flavor and decorated it and got him some cards. That day, he was in a very bad mood, which he says he gets in on his birthday. He announced that he was leaving me and the kids and all the times he said he loved us he never meant it. He yelled at us for 2 hours, telling us everything we had done wrong and telling us it was his right because it was his birthday. <p>My son was in tears when he said the cake was stupid. He stormed upstairs and locked him self away in the bedroom. When I asked him later about his cake, he snarled “you eat the f***ing cake, I don’t want it”. Not knowing what else to do, we turned the birthday cake into a family-day cake, lit candles and sang happy birthday to all of us. <p>Later when he came downstairs, he threw the cake across the room and said that us eating the cake without him was the cruelest thing we could have done and that if we had really loved him, we would have just thrown it away and begged his forgiveness. Perhaps it was stupid and wrong of me, but I had had enough. Instead of getting in an argument with him, I just laughed. I said that maybe next year if he still was with us (remember he had told us that day he was leaving) that he would want another cake. He said he never wanted anything from us again. I sighed and said I was sorry he felt that way. This was last august. Since then, we had been getting along better and better, (or so I thought) the arguments getting fewer and further between with the reconciliation’s coming closer together. I took this as a good sign. <p>He still claimed that all the cruel things he said in his arguments should not be held against him. He claims that “real” men talk sh*t when they are angry and can’t be held accountable for the things they say in anger. I guess I don’t have enough of a subset to make that determination, but I have always felt that wasn’t true. That arguments should be on subject at least and things like “I never loved you” and “I’m only with you for the money” shouldn’t be said. When he says he is leaving and is planning on ruining me I believe him. I’m not sure how not to. And the worst part is that he is so much more convincing with the mean stuff than the good stuff. Kinda makes the “love” bank account go into the red. <p>Well, looooong story short, he left on Friday, (our little boy’s 2nd birthday) and said he was through with me (again). He claimed that it was for ruining his birthday last august. He said that the only way he could make it right was to get him a birthday cake again. I countered with, why don’t we make a birthday cake together since I didn’t get one this year either, and make it a family cake, bake it together with love and try to put this behind us? I envisioned us making the cake, laughing and having fun and forgiving each other. Well, he came over with the cake mix, and immediately started telling me what I was doing wrong. This pan isn’t floured right, the oven is up too high, the rack is too low, etc. I was crushed. But I still tried to make the best of it. I sat down at the kitchen table and waited till he told me what I could do, hoping that I could do it right this time. <p>He finally barked “well, are you just going to sit on you’re a** all night???” I gulped and asked him how to help. He said to finish the cake. I did and put it in the oven. When it was finished he took it out. The 10 yr old had offered to decorate it. Unbeknownst to me (I was changing the baby at the time) hubby told him he would do it and not to argue with him. So hubby proceeds to decorate the cake with a HUGE “Herzy” his pet name for me, and write DOB on it, saying that women didn’t like their birthdays known. I have never said this. He also bought me a card that I thought was sweet until I opened it. It was a joke card about how much my farts smelled. He had often told the 10 year old how much women hate even the word “fart”. I was beginning to be a bit suspicious that this was all to hurt me. He asked if I liked the card, and I said that I wasn’t sure. He then blew up at me and said he was leaving forever since I never appreciated him. This blew up into an argument and he left. This time I begged him not to leave, which was a departure from my usual “I’m sorry that you want to go” approach. The next day, he came back and I made him a cute “twinkie” cake with little candles and an “I’m sorry” written in icing. He took it as the ultimate insult. “so all I mean to you is a F***CKING TWINKIE??” so I did it wrong again. <p>Two weeks ago, I found this website, and thought it was perhaps the way to help us. I downloaded the ENQ and filled it out and asked him to do the same. He started to, then quit when he came to the “housework” section and claimed that it was just a stupid “woman’s day” thing. I want to make him happy but I don’t know how!!! <p>I have called a couple of family counselors in town, but I don’t know if he would go or not. I want to be with him, but I don’t want to be yelled at and it would sure help me if he did half the work that needed to be done. He could even pick the half! He now says that he wants to live at the office, and that he should still draw his ½ the business salary because he did not sell his stock and he did not quit his job as executive vice president and that I owe him a living. He says that he will be there in case any customers come – which is about once every three months, since we get most of the business via fedex to the house. He says he will not help with the kids, and he shouldn’t have to help with the house since he doesn’t want to live there. He also wants visitation of our son every weekend from Friday to Sunday. I spend my weekends with my kids now, taking them to the park and such since I work so much during the week. <p>He says he just wants to be free, that housework is just a useless struggle because it doesn't stay clean and that my son is a useless struggle because he won't do what he is told. <p>I just don’t know what to do. Help?<p>Thanks. Sorry about the ramble…

Ishtar, this is a marriage building site and as such, promotes the preservation of the marriage as the most important thing. However, I think most will agree, where there is physical abuse, it's a different matter entirely. From what you've said, your partner is not only physically abusing you but mentally as well and that carries over to your son. This is not a good environment to raise a child. Keep in mind that the only person you can change is yourself and if you're are expecting this man to turn into a loving,caring person it'll only happen if HE wants it to. In the meantime, be prepared to be his punching bag. Doubtless, he has a lot of baggage. Doubtless, he is not 100% at fault but there is NEVER any excuse or reason for a man to punch a pregnant woman let alone hard enough to give her a concussion.

I replied in "Emotional Needs".

Thanks for the feedback. I did not mean to focus on the physical abuse, only to show why I am a bit frightened and skittish around him when he is angry. I DO want to build this marriage!!! <p>I have filled out the emotional needs questionaire and he said he would too. Granted, I'm still waiting on it. he sometimes tells me that i mean everything to him and that he loves me, which i want desperatly to belive! he says that he is just frustrated because i ruin birthdays and never keep the house clean enough and don't keep my son in line well enough for him and won't "kick some *ss" with my son when H feels that H is not being listend to or obeyed. <p>He also says that he is very happy living over at the office now, he has control of his own time, he gets to go to movies during the day, get haircuts, attend to personal issues like getting more credit cards, do whatever he wants etc. he says that he is no longer stressed becuase he doesn't have to "deal" with the house cleaning or my "blankety-blank" son. <p>I don't know if he's being perky because he means it, or that he is just trying to use me, or what. i'm too scared to ask him and wouldn't know how to bring it up so as not to make him mad. phooey.

Ishtar, read what you've read!!! Even if you've tried to tone down how you feel, you come across as scared to death. This man puts the blame on everyone and everything except himself, where it belongs. No one deserves to be treated like you're being treated. Especially your son!!