Hello All,
I am very new to your discussion forum and the questions I am asking may all have been addressed somewhere in your forums..but I truly do not have time to look through all of the posts.
My husband has all of a sudden taken an extreme interest in having good hygeine (showering mid-day, changing his clothes more than usual, buying all kinds of new clothes, filing and keeping clean the fingernails that were never there before, talking about getting surgery on his eyes so he does not have to wear glasses, worrying about his weight..on and on and on!) He also had made reference to the fact that he is paranoid that I am going to be questioning the reasons that he is doing all of this. I hadn't, but after that comment, I sure am thinking about it an awful lot. I must say that there was an incident a couple of years ago, whereby he tried to meet up with an old high school girlfriend. It did not work out and has really taken me time to get over this..but HE SAYS, he always felt I was in the detective mode ever since then. I don't believe that IS true.
He is a contractor that goes to a local "Menard's" type store a lot to get materials..almost on a daily basis. Just lately (three weeks or so) he is always going at about the same time every day now. Also, he has hours that he is a away from home, that are not satisfactorily explained...about once a week. Of course I can't ask..because he goes off the deep end and wants to know why I am marking his time. Of course, I can't follow because he would know and I do have a full time job.
Just recently, I had the opportunity to show up at this builder supply store, after retrieving a voice mail he left at home, saying that he was getting materials for the next day. I realized that I was shopping in the same general vicinity and decided to meet him there under the guise of hoping we could go to dinner together. While walking down the aisle, he was walking towards me with a cute little gal that works there..they were talking and laughing. When I walked up..he said "what are you doing here?" I told him my thoughts about dinner and he proceeded to introduce me to the cashier that had been "helping him." I might add that this cashiers last name is the same as the number he called (13 mins) on his cell phone bill (I did a reverse phone search) and that he supposedly went on a service call to (40 mins away) approximately a week or two ago. While at dinner that night..he of course knew something was wrong and asked me if I had problem with him being "friends" with her or anyone else in the store. I said that NO..I did not have a problem as long it was just friends in the store. He began saying something to the effect that he did not know what the problem would be "outside of the store" but stopped and did not pursue it. He told me he has Lot's of friends and that I cannot stop him from having these friends..AND if I tried to stop him....well, he is "just not going to live that way."
Needless to say, I am very obsessive about all of this now! How do I respond to the "friend" comment? I mean...I feel like I have no response to that.
I am almost ready to hire someone to follow him. I just cannot stand the fact of not knowing!
What would you do? I mean, I feel like I have been just "pretending" for the past week. I am so tied up inside, I feel sick all of the time. I truly don't believe that I can confront him, because previous history shows that he does lie to save himself. I guess, what I am looking for right now, is good rational things that I can say to him, in regards to this friend thing and possibly a rational way to put how I am feeling and why I am feeling like I do. Please tell me what you think about the situation and any input you may have as far as what I can say to him.

Wow, that sounds scary to me. My H also lost weight, started IRONING his clothes (never has since), bought a new wardrobe, etc. when he was having an affair with my former best friend. He has never cared about impressing me before or since then, but she sure was a priority.<p>In my opinion, I think he's engaged in at least an emotional affair. It's good that you are aware of it. The fact that he calls her would definitely bother me. I'm glad she saw you also, that may make her think.<p>How long have you been married? I would suggest counseling, and if he won't go, I'd go alone. Your self esteem is going to probably suffer from this. I know mine sure has.<p>I can't give you any advice, except to say I'd be quite paranoid and upset, as I'm sure you are. I hope he will tell you the truth. He may feel he's missing something inside of himself or the marriage and if you can get him to talk, it will help. I will say a prayer for you

Yes, I am QUITE paranoid! How did you get your husband to tell you? I don't think that I can just wait until it (possibly) blows over..maybe it won't? If I a make accusations or referrals to it..he says that I AM paranoid and tells me that I am(basically and will be always) in the detective mode and if that is the case..then it's (the marriage) not worth it. I sure wish I could figure out a way to get him to tell me! Or if someone out there has some reverse psychology ideas..I don't know..just anything that I could possibly use to get him to tell me the truth!
As I mentioned before, I am pretty close to ready to have him followed. It will be expensive, but worth every penny..to just know for sure. I am sure that sounds terribly obsessive, but what else can I do. He won't talk about it..and when he does, it all goes back on me.
Thanks for your suggestions AND prayers, Maggierose!(I need THOSE so much NOW! I need to figure out a way to calm myself down..I am feeling in a state of constant upheaval.)
If anyone else has suggestions, etc..I would be very open to hearing them.<p>In my haste to answer above, I really did not read Maggierose's questions well enough. <p>We have been married for 21 years this July. H refuses to go to counseling as we have tried that for previous (similar) issues AND other totally different issues.(He says he knows what he has to do..he just has to do it!!!) Needless to say..it really has been a &#8220;rocky road&#8221; throughout our whole marriage. We are fast approaching middle age and I am feeling like there has been too much time wasted. I am thinking (at least today : )) that if I can figure out/catch him on this one, I WILL be strong enough to assert myself this time and do something about this once and for all. <p>I am hoping that others, who have been through this, will have &#8220;words of wisdom&#8221; for me as far as how to reply to the different things he says or come backs to me with&#8230;ie the &#8220;friends&#8221; issue and me being paranoid about his recent &#8220;upgrading his image&#8221; mode.<p>[ April 08, 2002: Message edited by: Glow ]</p>

Can you place some consequences on his actions, not being willing to talk? Even if he won't go to counseling, you can still go. I went alone for a long time. Improving myself did lead to improvements in our marriage. It also made me realize that even though I didn't want it, I could live alone if necessary.<p>My H would have NEVER told (he admitted this in counseling) but our counselor didn't give him much choice. She knew for almost a year before I did and I could sense he was lying. I finally said I was done with counseling unless he told the truth. Of course he got all defensive, made me look like the bad guy, etc. He always gets defensive when he's wrong. He had also promised his OW never to tell so he was keeping his vow to her. Isn't that sweet?<p>So now I'm a wreck emotionally 8 mos later and can't take medication as I'm pregnant. He's had 6 years to 'get better' so isn't real sympathetic. Always asks what can do to help, and then when I ask him to do something like read an article I find helpful, he doesn't want to. Last night he said "we're in different places and it wouldn't be good for me to go back there."
Nice.<p>He told our counselor a few weeks ago that he's basically selfish and it's true. His whole family is like that, always looking out for #1. He's made a lot of progress but he just doesn't get what he did. If I weren't pregnant right now, I think I'd leave for a while. I'm tired of being the good old dependable wife, always looking after his needs.<p>Don't get me wrong, it's been worth it to save our marriage. But 8 mos isn't much time to feel better when you've been lied to for 6 years.<p>I really hope that somehow you can find out the truth. Have you read the article 'Shattered Vows' at findarticles.com<p>It says that secrets are 'crazy making' and that is so true. I'm not happy with the truth, but it sure is better than now knowing. Good luck and keep posting

You said secrets make you "crazy"..you have that one right! I don't know how I am going to get through this. I really, truly know what's got to be going on...but every day I vaccilate from yes, this has to be the scenario to no, thia can't be true. He comes home every day and is almost TOO nice to me. I just want to slap his hand away and say "leave me alone!" But, I can't and I don't. <p>For me it is not a question of him "talking". At least in MY mind. He lied to me for approximately 1 1/2 years (this was about two years ago) about talking (via cell phone, payphones and phone cards) to an old girlfriend that now lives in Texas. (we live in Michigan). He told me once that he was not going to talk to her anymore and I thought that was going to be. Turns out he continued to talk with her for the next year or so, arranged to go on a "trip" with a divorced buddy of his and met her down in Louisiana. He, still, to this day, says he does not know what he did wrong. He just wanted to "see her" and see how she was doing. "Nothing Happened" he says. (I maintain that the changes between the two of them were so much, that neither could handle them.) But, the opportunity was there and I believe that was the "plan" from the start of the planning of their trip. The plan, was definitely NOT to be faithful, unfortunately for him, it did not work out. (His buddy even told me that on the way down to Lousiana, he basically told him that our marriage was done.) So, if your husband does not understand what all of the fuss is about in a situation like that, how can you tell him about your worries about him having "women friends" at his local building supply store or local bar, etc..etc..etc.? <p>You have to remember too, I am still maintaining (to him) that I am NOT in the detective mode and absolutely CANNOT look that way. I feel like I am just going to have to wait until he "hangs himself".(IF he does.) It is just eating me up inside and I feel like I am going through each day living a lie...pretending that everything is "okay".<p>Okay so our husbands admit to what their "problems" are. Why is it they don't try to do something about it? Mine keeps maintaining that there is nothing he CAN do. Like yours, "he is the way he is". If they KNOW something is wrong..why in the world do they not try to correct it? I will never understand that attitude, nor the attitude of just "going after" anything they want, without regards to others feelings. Whatever happened to "Character"? It seems that it gets harder and harder to find the type of "character" people used to have, that told them what they should or should not go for.<p>Thanks for lettting ME vent!

Glow, You have got to hire a detective, I was in your shoes about 2 years ago, but I was too stupid to pick up on the clues as quick as you have. I wished many times that I had hired some one. My H lied to me for several weeks when he said that he could not stand the guilt any more. I got him to admit it by saying that we could not begin to fix our marriage with out me knowing the full extent of his relationship with the vixen. He had been trying to convince me that they were just leaning on each other to have someone to talk to. UGH! Good luck and I will pray for you.