On occasion, I have briefly sought conversation from other women. There has never been a physical relationship - it has always been (all 3 times) conversational only, as my wife seemed to always be able to take just enough care of my need for sexual fulfillment, that I kept that at home. I guess my need for conversation was not being met by her, and it still isn't. In fact, the irony is that most of these conversations included my wife, and my frustrations of not being able to work things out with her about something or another because of how much I love her! I know what I did was not the right choice, but I can't undo it and now I think we are having a huge problem with her resentment over it, some of which is 7 or 8 years old, but I don't know how to go about dealing with it. <p>The problem is that I was trying to be discreet but, she found out (one was pretty much in the open anyway), and now refers to it as my "infidelity" or "unfaithfulness." She has even suggested to others that she's "not sure" if I had an affair or not. Of course I have told her over and over that I have never had sexual relations outside of our marriage or with anyone else since the day we met, but it doesn't seem to be important to her.<p>This is obviously not the only problem we are having, and actually is not only a problem but based on what I am learning here, likely a symptom too. <p>I guess my question is this: Even though I have never had what I would call an affair (in the classic sexual sense), should we treat it as such for the purposes of healing? Or does it do more damage to refer to it as something that it never was?<p>We are on the verge of divorce, and I want so badly to stop it and rebuild our marriage - but I want to do it right. I want so badly for her to learn to give me what I need, and to learn how to meet her needs. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.<p>[ April 09, 2002: Message edited by: Travelin'Man ]</p>

What you had is called an emotional affair, it involved emotions, secret relationships with other women. It is just as painful as a physical affair, perhaps to some more so, because you were giving your emotions to another women, and to most women and probably men that is a more hurtful betrayal. <p>If you don't treat it as an affair, she may not be able to get past it, because believe me it feels like an affair to her. If you don't validate her feelings, and show remose she won't heal, believe me. Treat it like an affair because it was an affair, affairs do not have to involve sex.

If you read about emotional needs, you will see that conversation is one of them. You were meeting this need outside of your marriage. Thank goodness it didn't go any further. My H's affair (with my former best friend) started because 'she was a good listener.' Well, it turned into sex shortly thereafter, including in MY bed which has destroyed me.<p>Ask your wife to read the emotional needs information, and do the questionaire. I would strongly suggest you both go to counseling also, it can be a lifesaver. good luck!

It is nice that your are seeking advise so I assume that means you want to try and save your marriage. You need to understand how devistating it is to find out your husband has been having an affair. Whether it be emotional or sexual it has the same effect. The trust that you had in your spouse is totally destroyed and it will take a lot of time and work to restore it. Have you ever told your wife what it is that these other woman were giving you that she wasn't? Honestly! Because if not that is being unfair to her. She can't possibly meet a need that she doesn't know what is, and she can't possibly compeat with another woman emotionally if she doesn't know about it either. I comend you for seeking advise, you and your wife may need to seek counseling to get past this. Good Luck

Totally,<p>I have some questions for you based on your post.<p>You said "Have you ever told your wife what it is that these other woman were giving you that she wasn't?"<p>Suppose that you have tried very hard to do that and the wife just doesn't want to hear? I feel that I have tried for a very long time to get across to my wife what I need from her and sometimes for a very short time, there are changes, but the changes don't last. Worse, the changes typically don't address the issues that I have. Doesn't the wife in this situation bear some responsibility to find out for herself what those needs are? If I can't hand her answers on a silver platter, does she then get to sit back and claim that she has done all that she can? It seems that I have been able to successfully find and meet her needs, but mine are just a mystery to her.<p>I find myself in almost a catch-22. On one hand, a totally aboveboard conversation via email gets construed as an affair. This despite the fact that NO effort was made to hide anything and as soon as an emotional element appeared, it was ended. Now somehow, I am supposed to make this up, but we're just going to forget about what created the basic situation in the first place much less solving it. So on one hand, I shouldn't meet needs outside of the marriage and on the other, my wife apparently feels no need to actually meet this need. What am I supposed to do? I guess that I could just leave the marriage and find someone with the interest to meet those needs.<p>You said "I commend you for seeking advise, you and your wife may need to seek counseling to get past this." <p>Again, I am the only one in the marriage with any problem and this is apparently not an option. I tried to get counselling and after years, finally got the wife to attend ONE session. Notice that there was no second session. <p>I just think that you can only do so much. When the spouse just doesn't want to hear and claims to just not understand, what are you to do?<p>What do you think?
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