I am loking for advise to try and resolve a conflict that has begun with me(h). I have lied to my (w) one too many times and now we are separted and I would like to know how to rebuld that trust if at all possible

This is a tough one once trust is lost it takes a very long time to reclaim it. Is your wife still interested in the relationship? If so I would ask her for the opportunity to start rebuilding her trust in you. You must how ever understand that if you rebuild this trust you better never ever lie to her again if you do it will be gone for ever. Your word is you and you must decide what you are a lier or a honest husband who loves his wife. If you truly love her nothing is worth losing her. Take ever opportunity she gives you and take it step by step. Good Luck!

right now she is willing but she said that she needs to see a drastic change in my part. Everything that I say now means nothing to her and I get very frustrated with her and usually either cut her off or stop talking all together. I know that I have done wrong and I would love for this all to go away. I have a hard time communicating with her, I wish would see that I am sorry for screwing up everything.

Sorrow and remorse for what you have done is only one part of rebuilding trust. You must also have and show compassion for the injury that your dishonesty has caused. It also takes concrete steps and actions that your spouse can see and verify. Give her ways to check up on you and allow her to do it often without any emotional cost or penalty. Most importantly, it takes consistent performance of all of these things over time for trust to return. The amount of time is dependant on the amount of injury caused. The good news is that it can return and it sounds like she is willing to give you a chance. Make specific changes, tell her what they are, ask her if she has additional ideas, give her ways to check up on you. It's the checking and NOT finding that rebuilds. It has more to do with this checking that it does with her feelings simply going away.<p>It's like a brick building that's been had a wrecking ball used on it. The amount of betrayal amounts to the number of times the wrecking ball hit the building.<p>She's standing in the middle of a destroyed building and you're wishing that the building hadn't been smashed. The worst part is that the building is actually a part of her. When trust is damaged through betrayal it's a wound to the individual much more than just to the relationship.<p>Each test or checkup that you 'pass' puts another brick back in place. It take time, but with your help it can happen.<p>Hope this helps.

Another thought..
She is in a lot of pain right now and there is nothing that you will be able to say that will make it go away. Accept this. Don't stop telling her that you will change, but don't expect that to make thing better either. Make her aware that you see and understand how much she is hurting and how much your actions have caused this hurt. It's your realization of this pain that can give you the motivation to make changes.
The pain will get less in time. You're correct in seeing that what you say doesn't make much difference with respect to how she's feeling. In time that will change.<p>Hang in there. You know that it will be worth it if you can make ammends and restore your relationship.<p>[ April 10, 2002: Message edited by: saythewords ]</p>

Lying is wrong in any relationship. You need to take a look at yourself and see if you really want to be with her. Being married is work. Can you work at it? Will she? Is there other things that you've done. Usually people who lie have other social problems. Work on what you can for yourself so you can be a better person for her.

I have a hard time verbally communicating very effectively. I have a lot more success when I write things down. It gives me time to see the words and change them to reflect what I actually mean. If you're like me, you might try writing things in a letter. We all have had times when someones physical presence is difficult. Words and paper reduce this problem. Besides, if you say something nice in writing people can re-read it over and over when they are struggleing. It's not perfect but it beats smoke signals.

simplelife's questions are on the mark.<p>If you posted more about the specific issues people might be able to give better feedback.<p>[ April 10, 2002: Message edited by: saythewords ]</p>

Well here goes, I have lie over and over again about smoking, I could not seem to bring myself to tell her becuase of what I thought that she might think of me. I have lied to her about porno. I didn't want to be branded a pervert or weirdo. I have lied about money issues and I have just taken a loan out from work (SIP) to catch up on the money that I have taken out. I did not use the money for anything I/we didn't need and I always made sure that the money was there before I wrote any checks. I just got so caught up in covering it up that I got in too deep and had to do something. I took the loan out without telling her and that is when it happened. I really don't understand how to talk without yelling or being a prickor and *******. I want to change but right now I don't know where to turn. I am sick of myself and I want to change yesterday. I am very appreciative of those of you who replied to my message. Thanks.

Hi woogiedog<p>My H is exactly like the way you have described yourself. He even lies about stupid little things. He also lied about money and about smoking as well. Well I've been with him for about 7 years and I can say that I have little or no trust for him. I feel as though I have to find proof for myself of everything he says and often find myself tuning him out just in case it is another lie. Lying is so destructive! You really begin to see that person differently and feel like they are a stranger. I don't honestly know if that trust can be rebuilt. I know I would probably always have doubts in the back of my mind. <p>If you are serious about resolving things you should go to counseling, because the lying will not stop if you don't find out why you do it. She needs to see that you really want to change. Not just saying you want to change. Actions speak louder than words. I know that is in my case. I don't believe very much of what my H says, I need to see the proof for myself. Good luck.

ammc, how is it that you have stayed so long in the relationship? Do you have any children? We do twin girls, 6 mo old, and I have two children from previous marriage. I am not looking for somethimg to justify my actions, I am looking for a way to make things better for us and me and them. I do not want to cover up or hide anything anymore or lie about ANYTHING whether or not she will get mad or not, I want to be a respnsible person and a roll model for my children and my wife. Thanks for letting me vent.

Woogie,
Sorry for the delayed reply. Been swamped.<p>Do your struggles with honesty spill beyond your relationship with your wife? What I mean is, do you alter your expainations, descriptions, pertinate facts, depending upon who you are discussing things with? Or has this behavior occur mainly with your wife? Do you find it more difficult being completely honest when it is with someone you have a deeper relationship? Understanding some of these questions may help you to determine whether you need to focus only your damage to the relationship with your wife, or treat the problem in terms of your overall approach between yourself and others.

One of the tough things about dishonesty is that it generally makes any behavior twice as bad. Not only does the discovery of the dishonest require dealing with the 'hidden issue', but it also required the rebuilding of trust. In some cases, the item being hidden is much less important than the damage that is done by hiding it. In addition, the though that you are 'protecting' or 'avioding' injury to your spouse is another lie to yourself. Most people know that their dishonest is wrong. They are simply taking the easy way out. It is my experience that seeing and understanding the inevitable level and degree or harm added by the 'dishonesty' is the only way for a dishonest person to be motivated to change. You hurt your spouse double time, and you hurt youself by KNOWING that you are a liar. Honest and dishonest are both choices which can both become habits.
I was very dishonest as a child and young adult. Some of it was related to self esteem problems but MOST of it was related to trying to get something, or to aviod responsibility.<p>Not trying to be too tough on you. I figure you can take it and maybe it will help you see things from a different point of view. Thats all. <p>Don't expect that the fact that you have kids should make your wife more inclined to stay together. Dishonesty can feel really threatening because there's no way to know when something new will be discovered. It's quite possible that your wife may feel that protecting he children from this potential harm is in their best interest. She may feel that having to deal with continued dishonesty makes her less able to care for the kids as well. In which case, she might feel that being seperate is better for them.<p>Wanting to change is the very important first step. Actually changing is what's crucial to restoring your relationship.<p>In any case, much of the solution is making her see and believe that you have changed. The best and perhaps the only way is to 'show' her. That will take time and effort on your part.
There's lot's you can do even when you're apart. If she doesn't want to be around her then write her letters. You can write letters or send tapes to her and your kids too. Make things for them and tell her it's to help make up for the wrong things you have done. Even at 6 mo.. make them a lullaby tape or something. Do a lot of self work understanding why you have been dishonest in the past. Include all the people you've been dishonest with (not just your wife). When the time is right share this with her. Remember that none of this is proof that you've changes. It's simply examples that you've changed. The proof comes in never changing back.<p>Anyhow, I hope some or even one of these ideas might help in some way. I get to babbeling to much. I can tell you're hurting a lot and really want things to change. Good Luck. Post on. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Blessings.<p>[ April 15, 2002: Message edited by: saythewords ]</p>

I don't have dishonesty issues with people that IO interact with on a day to day basis. It seems to only be with my (w). Anyway I have the best of intensions but I seem to have a hard time following through with them and that goes for many other things to. I love ehr very very much and don't want to loose her to a stupid imature thing like being a fraid of what she might think or being totaly honest with her. I feel for her and want to change because I am tired of myself being this way. I tataly understand her actions and words and for that matter your words too. I am now seeking help for my actions and ways of doing things, maybe just, maybe this will cahnge thing between us. I hope! Thank you for the encourageing words of wisdom and for the little slap in the face so to speak. No harm done or offence taken. Please keep talking to me because it makes me feel not alone in all this. Thanks.

Hi again<p>I have one young child with my H. We have been together 7 years, married 1 1/2 both 27. I think my situation may be different in that my H is a compulsive lier. I mean it is really bad. H was the perfect boyfriend when I first met him and I was very much in love. As the years went by the lies became more and more aparrent. Also he can be verbally abusive. H makes many promises and talks alot of sh*t. I have caught him many times in lies and he has denied them to the very end. What is worse H doesn't consider himself dishonest. When I found out I was pregnant when we were dating we decided to get married. Do the right thing so to speak. H was again mr. perfect. But he quickly went back to his old ways. Lying, making false promises, and hanging out with his buddies after work. I guess when you are married to someone you finally stop making excuses for them and start seeing them for who they really are. I find myself not even listening to him when he talks to me. Sometimes I can't even stand to be in the same room with him. I am angry at him and angry most of all with myself for being such a fool. I stay for my child and because I know if I tried to leave H would be very verbally abusive and immature and I could never trust him with shared custody. H tends to hang out with loser friends and hang out in environments I wouldn't want my child to be exposed to. Right now H is never home. He is always working or "out". So I kind of feel like a single mother. I wish things were different but they are not. I come to MB for support and to make the best of the situation I'm in. <p>The point to my whole story is this. I don't trust H at all. The lies have destroyed me and our relationship. I don't even believe him when he says he loves me. With all the lies, that could be one too. I have also lost any respect I had in him as a person. Sometimes I think I might even hate him. If you trully love your wife then really change your behavior. It might take awhile because she has lost the trust in you. I know given my situation I would have to see actions because words have lost their meaning to me. Unfortunately at least in my case I don't think I could ever gain that trust for him again. There would always be doubts. Hopefully this not your case. It sounds like she wants to trust you again so that is a good sign. I hope you can rebuild yourrelationship. I trully wish you the best of luck. It sounds like you really want to change.

ammc, I want to thank you very much for that story. I am sorry to hear that things are bad for you. Please keep up with what ever you are doing for your child because he/she will have the utmost respect for you when he/she gets older. Right now I am talking to a psycitrist(sp) and I need to find out what makes me so afraid of being honest with her. I hope that I can get my **** together before it too late for us. I will keep you inform of my/our progress. thanks.