Please help! Yesterday evening my husband and I got into a huge fight that resulted in me seeing a different side in him. A violent side.
It all started on yesterday afternoon when he called to tell me that his jeep was ready to be picked up from the mechanic. Earlier that morning I told him that I would pick him up from work and take him to the mechanic's to pick up his jeep. (It had been at the mechanics for almost a week). He then told me that someone from work would drop him off. When I asked who, he became avasive and said that it was just one of the students in his department. (My husband works as an xray tech) Anyway, when I asked which student he only gave me a last name. I had to ask was this person a male or female. (Not that it matter, I just did not want to be surprised when I met him at the mechanics to sign off on the repairs-the charges were to be placed on my credit card). He then informed me that the student was a female and naturally I became upset because he selectively left out this detail. I then asked him what was I to think if I saw him getting out of another womans car? Especially a single woman whom I had never met before. <p>I ended up picking him up from work and taking him to the mechanics as planned earlier that morning. He did not understand the big deal about me being upset. I guess it goes back to a problem that we had a couple of years ago, again with one of the students at his job. It was during the X-ray department Christmas party and everyone had exchanged names. Well, a 19 year old female picked my husbands name. The Christmas party was opened to all families and my husband insisted that I attend. When my husband unwrapped the gift given to him, we both became speechless. This girl had given my husband IN FRONT OF ME, a box of sexual body paint. So do you understand why I got a little hot about a student offering to give him a ride. I do trust my husband, but I do not trust the women that he works with. I know that it takes two, but it seems like he keeps placing himself in these situations. <p>Well, when we got home I put the baby to sleep and asked him if I could have a word with him. He told me yes. When I told him how I felt, he said that he did not think it was a big deal and that I had a jealousy issue. Jealous of what? It was clear that he was not understanding what I was trying to say. Now, had he seen me get out of a strangers car he would have been just as angry. I guess it is different for men. He then became very frustrated at the fact that we were not seeing eye to eye. I had never seen him go into such a rage. He hit the closet door-leaving a big hole in the center and said that he was leaving and would not be home tonight. Well, he left and came back later in the evening not having anything to say to me. He was up the majority of the night pacing the floor and eventually came to me around 4:00am to say that he could not sleep so he was going to work-three hours early. I have not heard from him all day and do not know what to expect when I get home. I am scared and lonely because I have no one to talk to. It could have been me or the baby that he had hit. I think that he is feeling disappointment in himself right now. I just don't know what to say to him. I am angry at him for considering to place himself in that type of situation. I feel that a married man has no business in the car with a single women, especially when the wife knows nothing about it. Maybe I'm too giving and honest. I just need some answers!

Let me check here. You are upset because of two incidents...the gift one and then that he was going to have a girl give him a ride to the mechanic? Do you have any other reasons to doubt him?<p>If not, I'm sorry, but it does sound like maybe you are a little overly jealous.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>This girl had given my husband IN FRONT OF ME, a box of sexual body paint. <hr></blockquote><p>I would have just smiled, said "thanks, that looks like it will be fun!" Yes, it may have been poor judgement on her part to give a suggestive gift, but its not like she did it in secret with a note that said "hey big boy...why don't we try this sometime". It also depends on the workplace...its probably not a good idea, but in some places, giving risque gifts is considered funny. Out of curiosity, how did your H react to the gift?<p>Can you guys work together to understand each other's feelings a little better? He does need to understand why you feel threatened, and to protect your feelings. You need to understand why he felt angry...perhaps he felt unfairly accused, or perhaps feared you were trying to control him...whatever, the better you guys understand and communicate, the less likely these blowups will happen.<p>Finally, let me say that your H's anger should not be taken out on you, or used to threaten you. A one-time punch-out of the wall wouldn't worry me, but if throwing things and hitting things becomes routine, or if he EVER does threaten you or the baby, I'd be out of there until/unless he did some counseling.<p>Kathi<p>[ April 11, 2002: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</p>

Okay maybe I am jealous. If I am he is the one that caused it. While we were engaged, he eventually told me that he went out with another woman. He told me that he had met someone at a club, they exchanged numbers and hung out a couple of times. He swears that nothing happened. Unfortunately at the time I was living in FL and he was in WA. It bothered me to know that while I was planning our wedding and preparing for this huge commitment he was out meeting other women. He told me that his actions had nothing to do with me. He wanted to make sure that he was totally ready. I felt that he should have made that decision before proposing to me. I did not find all of this out until after we were married. By the grace of God we got through it. Then the incident came with the body paint. My husband works at a military hospital. Had he have given a female student/soldier/patient body paint he would have been accused of sexual harassment. Any decent woman would have not given a married man such a gift, especially in the presence of his wife. I am not sure if she knew if he was married or not. But that is not the issue here. The issue is I feel that my husband does not take into inconsideration my feelings. He says that I make a big deal out of everything. But when he gets upset it truly is a big deal. For example, I asked my husband to attend a conference with me in CA. The majority of participants were men. One evening during the conference there was a Gala Event. Clear out of the blue, this guy walks up to me (without my husband seeing) and tries to kiss me on my neck. I immediately pushed him away and went straight to my husband. I wanted this guy to see that I was very much in love and happy with my husband. A few days later I told my husband what had happened and he almost blew a fuse because I did not tell him the moment that it had happened that someone came on to me. I simply told him that it was "no big deal". Maybe I am to emotional but I love my husband. Every married couple has issues. I try my hardest not to place myself in compromising positions which may lead to temptation. <p>Then there was another situation with a student. He knew that I did not have any friends in the area so he decided to introduce me to this student (who was actually a sorority sister). We spent almost $60.00 on her at lunch and spent the entire weekend at the mall and church. There was something about her that I could tell was not good. While we were shopping she would pick up the most revealing clothes. I noticed how she looked at my husband and it made me feel really uncomfortable. Furthermore, our 9 month old daughter was with us and she totally ignored the baby, like she did not want to have anything to do with the baby. At driving her around for two days and spending money on her, the least should could have said when she got out of the car, was a thank you. They continued to work together and I never heard a word from her again. My husband finally agreed that something was wrong with you and that we should be careful of who we bring into our relationship. We both agreed that she displayed bad vibes.<p>So hopefully this would better explain my act of caution towards the women he work with. Like I said I don not have a problem with him, I have a problem with their invitations. Maybe I'm crazy.

I don't think you are crazy, and I agree that he "should" pay more attention to your feelings...."care and protection" are basic MB principles (as is Radical Honesty).<p>I'm just trying to get you to see it from his point of view...assuming he's never cheated, one thing guys really hate seems to be feeling accused unjustly. From his POV, it may seem better not to tell you things, because you will get upset...and he probably hates dealing with that.<p>Have you read thru the MB concepts here? You and your H might find them very helpful.<p>Good luck--<p>Kathi

Thanks for your response and unbiased opinion. I am happy to say that I have made up with hubby and will try to not let any and everything upset me. I was in an abusive relationship before meeting my husband. I do know that it is a blessing to have him in my life. I was so concerned about my feelings and did not consider my husbands feelings. We are both looking forward to giving each other hugs when we get home. I am preparing a nice dinner and of course you don't have to guess what's on the menu for dessert. This is a great website.