I have treated my wife badly throughout the 7 years we have been married. I have talked to her in ways that a husband shouldn't. I have ignored her, not helped with taking care of the family, and I have let her carry the burden most of the time. I have spent my time with other interests that now seem meaningless. We have had arguments where I blew up at her for no good reason. I have never physically abused her. She has left me for a few days at a time during our marriage, but I was always able to talk her back. After the last big blowout, she left and stayed gone. That is when I realized I had to get professional help. After seeing a psychologist, I was diagnosed with some behavior disorders which were no fault of my own. Things that should have been addressed a long time ago. It's been over 2 months since she left. I have continued therapy and I'm on medication for my problems. She has served me with divorce papers a month ago. I know I have destroyed some of the the love she once had for me, but other than my behavior problems, I have been a good husband. I never cheated, don't smoke, drink, or do drugs. I keep the bills paid on time. She just cant find it in herself to trust me, that this change is permanent, not like the empty promises of before. I know she still has some love for me somewhere inside, but she says she has to think with her gut instinct and not her heart. What can I do to try and regain that trust, show her I mean all the promises I am making to her. I offered to go to counseling with her or go to talk to our priest together, but she flat out refuses. I've begged her to give it some more time and postpone the divorce, get to know me over again because I'm not the same person now. She will say ok, then change her mind a week later. Please give me some kind of advice as to what I should do.

Hi, JoeD. Welcome to MB. <p>How about an apology? You may have tried this already and it may require some extra creativity.<p>Psychological disorders are difficult and I'm sure it's been a frightening journey for you. <p>Don't "stalk" your W. Work on getting well but keep your love for her as a healthy focus toward wholeness. <p>We've witnessed a lot of pain here but sometimes real miracles happen, too. I pray that it will be so for you.<p>Guys? Any words for our friend? I'm sure they will come along soon, Joe.

I've done nothing but apologize, but like I said, she feels that she's given me enough chances and she has. But it seems as if I have finally gotten help after it is too late. I finally have a clear head and realize I love my wife more than anything in the world. Apologizing is not the problem, it's how do I make her understand and believe that I really mean it, that this is it, I am truly a different person.

Then the thing to do is become the person you want to be..you! The real you...true to self...true to H...not living in the past...forgive yourself (I detect a bit of theme on that here today!) <p>Learn to love YOU. I don't mean egotistically but self-acceptance will help you to receive and give love in healthy ways. It will enhance your love for W. <p>I hope she won't give up on you. But even more so, I hope you won't give up on your own healing.

oops..wish I knew how to edit..I meant true to yourself and true to "W", not "H" [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>sorry about that!

Wow, you almost sound as if you could be my H. From the W's perspective I can say that if I finally left I would not go back. I know what it is like to mistreated and lied to. I have lost all faith and trust in my H. Unfortunately it may be too late. Sometimes the damage can not be fixed. Hopefully this is not your case. Hopefully in time she will come to see how much you want to change and have been changing. I know for me at least actions speak louder than words. When trust is lost it is very difficult to rebuild. You say that you haven't been a very good H for 7 years, so restoring your relationship and the trust on your W's part may take years also. Be patient. Hopefully your W will find it in her heart to forgive you. Right now she is dealing with many years of anger and hurt. I wish you luck. I hope things work out for you and that you continue to seek help for your disorder.

It's not that I wasn't a good husband for all 7 years. The first few, until our daughter was born, was unbelievably great. You know, sex every night 3+ times a night, etc... After she was born tho, I was the one that went into depression. The remaining years have been up and down, not really bad enough in my eyes to warrant a divorce tho. I admit now that I have problems that have to be taken care of. The main catylist in our breakup were things that I was doing and saying that I wasn't even aware of. Now it's like I've waken up and see everything clearly. Now I just need to get her to believe I am serious about it.

I hear some very good news here!<p>First, you two have a child together. This child will be part of both of your lives together, forever. No matter what.<p>This gives you an opportunity to Plan A your bu## off. Love your child. Get yourself involved with this child. Provide your W with the family commitment you have said you have been lacking in the past few years. You will have lots and lots of opportunity to show your commitment and devotion here, plus you get the added benefit of maintaining a strong bond with your children, being a role model, etc. Nothing requires more of a mom than the needs of child so if you are there, helping, interested, involved, supportive, etc....... well, can you see how tons of love bank deposits will be made here?<p>Do you know about Plan A? Have you read the Harley's book His Needs, Her Needs? It sounds like you have a need for SF, but your W may not share that same need. But the good news is, that if you find out what her needs are, and try to start meeting them consistently, she will feel more inclined to meet yours. You sound like you are well on your way to "priming the pump", opening the door to repairing the marriage. Just hang in there, don't expect too much too soon. And read everything you can on this web site, and get the book His Needs, Her Needs.<p>I too treated my H badly. I finally realized that it was my actions driving him away. When the full impact hit me, I too was committed to doing whatever it took to fix the marriage. I went to counseling. One of the best pieces of wisdom I got from counseling was this:<p>"It took me nearly 10 years of this behavior to drive my H away. That's a long time. Therefore, he isn't going to trust the 'new' commitment in me completely for a long time. He will be hesitant to approach, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like a deer in the headlights."<p>My best hope here is to be CONSISTENT, and use every opportunity to try to meet his needs, and avoid love busters at ALL COSTS. <p>Notice that I say "meet his needs". I had to find out what his needs are. Not mine. His needs are different than mine. I would work and try to do things for him that make me happy, but those were not the same things that made him happy. That was also a revelation. So try to find out what she needs, then try to meet those needs, get it?<p>When my husband left, he insisted he did not want to work things out anymore with me. I found MB, began applying the principles, became committed to do whatever it took, then slowly he came back. He had an apartment. But he moved back in with me - unofficially at first. I didn't push him to give up the apartment. He kept it another few months, I'm sure just in case he felt the need to "bolt out of the headlights". But I worked very hard to avoid love busters, and he eventually suggested to me that we break the lease on his apartment because it was a waste of "our" money. Wow!!! I knew things were working then.<p>We are in recovery now, and I am both amazed and grateful. He even went to counseling with me the other day - and that would have been unheard of 6 months ago.<p>Last night we had a conversation sitting under the stars on our front porch. SO AWESOME! Anyway, he was talking about his work. He asked me if I remembered calling him at work several months ago, and screaming at him so loud that everyone in his office could hear me!<p>You know what? Not only did I not remember that, I am totally embarrassed that it happened! People aren't supposed to treat other people like that, especially if you love them! Today I wouldn't even THINK to do that because I know how harmful that is to my relationship. Back then, I didn't. It was a shock to hear that's how much I have changed. It was also good.<p>So hang in, my friend. Sometimes I know we can be impatient creatures, and we want things to be better NOW.<p>Take your time to rebuild what has taken years to tear down. Work on improving yourself in your downtime. Don't obsess or kick yourself in the process. You will always have that connection to your children. Always. You will always be their father. Thus you will always have a door of communication. Use that door as your opportunity to fix what you need to fix.<p>I know you can do it. Remember, anything worth having takes time earn, but you will appreciate it more in the end.<p>Take care.