We have been married for 7 years. About a year after we got married I still had issues that was haunting me from my last marriage. I finaly dealt with them, but cused damaged to my current one. My wife still has not for gave me for what was done. I have tried every thing I could think of to do and have read many books and web sites. We have been to counsling 4 times and still can not solve anything. I am also in the Military which takes me away alot. When I am home everything seams to be going great. But then when I leave for 30 days or more, that is when the problems start. She says she loves me and does not want a devorce, but is not sure what to do any more cuz she can't let the past go. I am currently in Korea, so it is realy bad this time and I don't know how much I can take anymore. I am at my ropes end.

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Emotional Needs
Recovery
General Questions<p>Me and my H have been to 12 counselors over the last 12 years and FINALLY have someone who knows what their doing! Print out everything you can about this site: Emotional Needs Questionnaire, Policy of Radical Honesty, read read read. there is also a section on finding a good counselor plus the Harley's counsel over the phone. Post on another board and I am sure you will get a LOT more help too.

You said in your post that you had dealt with the issues you had with your XW yet it caused problems with your current W. <p>The question would be have you helped her to deal with the pain that caused too?<p>You both are in this together. It sounds like maybe she is at the end of her rope, too. She might need a little help getting passed that.<p>Also, if it is something still going on (like old habits that maybe you don't realize you have) with your current marriage, you won't be able to get passed it at all until that is discussed also.<p>Just my own 2 cents worth! Hang in there [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

I have tried to help her deal wih my mistakes of bringing things from my XW. But I never know when I am helping her deal with my mestakes. I never hear anything positive in what I do when it comes to us. I always hear the negative. I need to know when I am doing something right. Otherwise I feel lost and start to shut down. <p>If I talk about issues that I have that I have been dealing with on my own, she makes a quick comment about it and goes into how I am never complementing her, showing her affection, ignoring her and not spending any time with her, and how I am not intamit with her. <p>Basicly what I did 7 years ago is the steem of the problem. She relataliated by doing things to hurt me. She has told me that she has done things to hurt me on purpose. I have never hurt her on purpose. So many times she gets hurt by me joking around with her just like she does with me. Or I will make a comment about something and she will misunderstand me and we end up in a fight over it.<p>She told me one time that she was never able to open her heart to someone, untill she meet me and she couldn't help herself but to let me in. The 1st year of our marriage I was dealing with things that my XW had done. I was able to come to terms with what happen. Only to have my W have an EA with a man that she met while pregnat with my 1st child. She has never realy try to help me gain trust in her that it won't happen again. About 5 years later she has an EA online with a close friend of ours and hed posted ads online looking for a good man.<p>She has told me that she is sorry for doing that and she only did it cuz she was lonly. Well I am in the Military and stationed in Korea. She posted the ads less then a week after I flew out. How can I open my heart to only have it crushed when things like that happen. How can I do the things that she is wanting me to when I can't get what I need in return. For the last 6 years I have been told by her that I have to fix everything. I CAN'T DO IT ALONE.<p>How can I get her to understand that she needs to help me aswell for us to have a wonderfull, intamit, loving, happy marriage? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]