I was just wondering....if you can't resolve conflict within your marriage...and let's say that said conflict has killed all trust and endearment toward spouse, is it time to move on?<p>I have tried starting over, I have tried counseling, I have even tried working through it. But it is still there. I can't seem to get passed the way I am treated. It is never just one thing I can point out...it is more like all the things that never happen. All the little things you do for someone just because....this does not include doing dishes since spouse has a cast or something.<p>This is, oh I don't know, buying a gift for a holiday...or even giving a gift just to make someone smile.<p>When you go numb toward your spouse....feel nothing but irritation without really getting upset over it ya know?, is it time to move on?

My H is a conflict avoider. Nothing ever got resolved. Now I realize it was a form of control. If he didn't do it or see it then he wasn't responsible for it.
See the threads on the D/D board on "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. You may recognize your marriage. I did, we were living different marriages. It's an awful realization, but necessary to move on. Also, look at some old threads on Emotional Abuse.

I read that post.....sounds just like my H. I was so confused for so many years. He always made everything out to be my fault. And I believed it for so long.<p>He does his best at avoiding conflicts, too. He will do or say something that is incredibly hurtful and deny that it ever happened. If he does something that is hurtful and he doesn't think it should offend me, then it is never resolved. I get told I am over-reacting or just being ridiculous. <p>Maybe it is time to end it.

It depends on how you view your marriage vows. I've seen some terrible situations reversed and I guess I believe in miracles, as does my marriage counselor. <p>My H has felt twice in the past 5 years that he did not love me. Treated me terribly, fell for my best friend whom he had an affair with, etc. We have gone to LOTS of counseling. Our counselor told him the last time that if he did the homework of counseling, and prayed about it, God would help him to rediscover his love for me. And yes, it worked. He is now a much better person, and husband. I can't believe the difference. Part of the solution was medication. He had been mildly depressed his whole life and didn't realize it (although I suspected it for a while.)<p>It's been hard work, lots of counseling, prayer, reading, forgiving, etc. But it has been worth it. We are going to have our first baby in about a month. It is a miracle child and I know it will only strengthen our love. If you had asked me 6 years ago if I'd ever be here, I would have said no. But things can get better.<p>I don't know how long you were in counseling. Did your H go? <p>I hope that things work out for you. Keep posting

I have always believed that miracles happen and that people can change. That is one thing that has kept me going for so long. Hoping, believing that things would change.<p>I guess my problem now is that I have gone into withdrawl so many times that I don't know if that's what is going on now, or if I have just lost what I felt. <p>I believe that my H is depressed. He puts on a good show when other people are around. But I know that he relies on me for any encouragement. He has to have support continually. Maybe he should go into counseling for a little while.<p>The bottom line is that I really don't know what to do with the situation right now. I suppose I should just wait it out and see where it is going.<p>We have gone to counseling together many times. Sometimes it helped, and other times it didn't. But it never lasted long either way. I think the longest we were ever in counseling was 3 months or so.

I don't think that someone truely goes numb. I beleive they are putting themselves in an Emotional Coma. It's their way of dealing with the hurt. <p>I think you have to look deep into your heart to forgive someone for things he did. If there is feelings for your H, then there is hope. If you see that he is trying to fix things, let him know that it is working. It takes both of you to solve any issue in a marriage. You can't put it on the shoulders of just one of you. Have to share the burdin. <p>Also, it sounds like to me, your H has some issues that he has to deal with.
Has he talked about them? If so, are those being addressed aswell? If they are not addressed too, that could be why he is avoiding conflict. Why should he try to fix the issues you have, if his are not adressed too?<p>I feel that if you goto counseling, you need to put your foot down and tel him he has to go. Show him that you want the issues resolved, not just yours but his too.<p>After you are working on both, Your's and your H's issues, then you can truely start loving each other like you want to be loved.<p>It will take alot of patiance, understanding, and giving from both of you.

Gym Junkie:
I think there's a book out there you should read right now. I highly recommend it. Its " Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. (" A step by step guide to help you decide whether to stay in or get out of your relationship")<p>It is very good. Asks a lot of good questions that my own therapist hasn't in one year!!
She goes on to analysis what it may mean if your answer is yes, or no. . or even if you dont know for each question.. and in each situation example tells whether the people who left were happy or the people who stayed were happy they did.<p>In my own experience, H had affair last yr with OW we worked with. Still denies it. Put me thru alot of emotional hell. Filed D, then 2 mo later, filed dismissal & returned home (after 2 mo only). But since he's been home, no remorse shown to me, no apology or acknowledgement etc. He sleeps on floor in living room, refuses to come to bed. Barely speaks to me except yes or no answers. Stays out til 10 or 11 when its time to sleep (would be home by 6 otherwise). Never says where he is going or where he has been. Sometimes I ask. I dont think he's involved at all with OW anymore, but remains closed off to me. I can see guilt in his face, but he will NEVER admit this. AARGH. And still, I cant stop doing the little things for him, don't hate him and cant leave!!<p>If You & H sleep in same bed, talk, shop, do anything social together, buy a gift on occassion, think of each other at least sometimes, I think there is hope & your marriage is worth saving!! Maybe you are both just stuck in a nasty rut & lifes constant struggles have bogged you down. Talk to each other. Dont let it ruin your life like it did mine. Both H & I had to live with awful office politics & I really think thats what sparked this mess Im in now. Definately a mid life crisis & major depression on the part of H. <p>Also take a look at that Divorce Busting book. It evaluates things in the relationship. I hear she has a new book out now called Divorce Remedy.<p>I get the feeling that things are not extremely angry or fighting or mistrust /infidelity issues between you. That life has gotten both of you down at different times & you are moving towards "ambivalence", just existing. At least make one effort to fight it & not let that happen. Get the first book I mentioned. It will definately guide you in whatever decision you make.

I would suggest that you check out (aside from the great info they have in this site...) the book called Boundaries in Marriage. It helped me to see that instead of looking at the whole terrible picture of all the things my spouse does wrong, focus on the good, but deal with one bad at a time and eventually...
Anyway. Don't leave until you can look at the situation and KNOW you did all you could or you will never be able to live with yourself.
Best wishes!!