My boyfriend and I have been living together on and off for over a year now. We have had many problems with our outlook on child rearing issues. He has recently thrown a shoe at her and hit her in the head and this is not the first time he has did that. He has also cussed her and been very hateful with her. I love him but my child comes first. He also cusses his children and throws things at them which I think is wrong too but they are his kids and I have no say over that. We love each other very much and want to make it work but we just can't seem to do it. My theory is that he should not physically touch my children and I should not touch his. However, there has to be some kind of discipline and authority we can have over each others children to make them respect both of us. Any answers would be greatly appreciated.

I am the boyfriend that has been labled the abuser
My girlfriend knows that the shoe was not thrown it was tossed and that I was only doing what her daughter had just done to me.I would also like to point out that her daughter is one of those kids that cries about anything and everything,and she has learned to use it against me.She has even said to me " I'll tell mommy" like she's threatening me.If she cries and her mother is not present when it starts she assumes that I have done something physically to her daughter, I have never layed a hand on her and have no desire to do so.When I first moved in with them it was horrible, the child would not listen to her mother, she frequently told her mother "No" and the only form of discipline she received was to be sent to her room full of toys and a television set. I believe that pampering children is the cause of alot of the problems in the world today and I refuse to do it. She also lets her daughter stay up watching tv all hours of the night, this kid is 3 yrs old, bedtime means bedtime.Shouldnt I have some say in my house? Shouldnt the both of us be allowed in some way to discipline the others child? Not physically but something. I love this woman very much but until she puts a stop to her daughters antics I see no hope for us.

hi shybb3 and Dleprechan--<p>Blended family here. Dated 2 yrs., lived together for a year. Married 3 yrs. now. My two Ds, now ages almost 13 and 18, his son, 12. I have sole custody, and he has joint - we are primary residence.<p>We too had very different ideas of childrearing and more than our share of HUGE arguments as a result. If you hang in there, keep talking and negotiate to mutual agreement on childrearing and discipline, it does get better. You two sound a LOT like my H and me....<p>First off - no cussing. Stop that right now. Not at each other, not at the kids. It's a hideous example to be giving the children, and it's disrespectful and hurtful to ALL. There is no excuse. <p>Second -- until you agree, NO DISCIPLINE. Yes, it may be chaotic for awhile, but it is very important not to do ANYthing until you agree. If the situation warrants immediate handling, biological parents discipline their own. That way, there is no possibility of cross-over resentments to build. <p>Third - a 3 yr. old is incapable of understanding detailed reasoning behind discipline and has a very short attention span. "No!" is normal, and actually healthy. A good rule of thumb to follow when utilizing "time-outs" is 1 minute for each year of age (up until about age 5). I would suggest you're doing WELL if that little one can handle 3 minutes of solitude, then be told she can join the ongoing activities again if she behaves nicely. Praise her when she does.<p>Finally, men and women tend to handle child issues differently. In a blended family situation, a step-dad figure has to understand the dynamics of the "new" family and not impatiently begin meting out discipline. It is more important to BOND with the children rather than be in such an "all fire hurry to straighten them out." Also, to rush a vastly differing view of discipline will be HUGE lovebusters to mom! <p>Dleprechan, you may be taking this reply as I'm on your GF's "side." I'm not on anyone's side. I hope your relationship works out and everyone is happy. Your points are indeed quite valid. Children should have schedules, and an agreed bedtime IS one of them. <p>"I'll tell mommy" is also a very normal response from a child. When that happens, she is nearing overload and it's the most defensive comeback she can think of. Take the sting out of that for BOTH of you by saying something like, "Let's BOTH tell mommy and then we'll all feel better...we're a family." And mom, when they do, show love and concern for your child and your sweetie. They both need you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It's tough! BTDT. Thinking back, it took us...oh, about 3 yrs. to get into the groove of our new family. You only mentioned the 3 yr. old specifically, how old are your other children?<p>Now would be a good time to read all the MB concepts found here...and take the Lovebusters and Emotional Needs Questionnaires. Welcome to the board. Hope we can help! It's nice to see both of you posting here.<p>[ May 03, 2002: Message edited by: Lucks ]</p>

"First off - no cussing. Stop that right now. Not at each other, not at the kids. It's a hideous example to be giving the children, and it's disrespectful and hurtful to ALL. There is no excuse" Point well taken.
"If the situation warrants immediate handling, biological parents discipline their own." That is alot of the problem,unless I say that her behavior is bothering me nothing is done, and when something is done I am made to feel guilty by even having suggested disciplining her.
By the way I have two girls ages 12 and 8. I told my girlfriend a long time ago that we needed to work on this problem and come up with a solution,obviously we never did. We fought and argued constantly, I thought the best thing to do was move out.We continued seeing each other,even though we both had resentment toward one another.
My girlfriend spent the night with an old boyfriend after I had moved out (she claims nothing happened that night). I told her that I loved her and that we could work through that.
She did end up sleeping with this man just a couple of months ago. And I cant help but feel that if it wasnt for her daughters behavior none of that would have happened. Just thought you should know the whole story.

<p>[ May 03, 2002: Message edited by: shybb3 ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>"If the situation warrants immediate handling, biological parents discipline their own." That is alot of the problem,unless I say that her behavior is bothering me nothing is done, and when something is done I am made to feel guilty by even having suggested disciplining her.<hr></blockquote><p>IMO, this is more of a perception problem. I understand your viewpoint is that nothing is done (or maybe it's you feel not ENOUGH is being done). Perhaps your GF feels she IS working on little one's behavior but in a different way than you suggest. Yes, this can be very frustrating because actually, there are two problems in this instance. First, both you and your GF need to learn to validate and understand each other's feelings (which means better communication skills), and you also have the difficulty of AGREEING on childrearing. <p>Express first, resolve second.<p>Work on your communication skills as a couple. Have you read the section here about safe discussions? <p>Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_guide.html<p>I believe if you follow Harley's advice above, you will be on the road to easier and more obviously caring conversations, and THEN start making progress on coming up with solutions...together! <p>Back to your quote:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>and when something is done I am made to feel guilty by even having suggested disciplining her.<hr></blockquote><p>Oooookay, I think this is because your GF is going along with your requests to please you but she does not agree with them and feels resentful. You may have used several Lovebusters to motivate her resentful cooperation in whatever the problem was at the moment. <p>Love Busters
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html<p>Then, she in turn may be utilizing Lovebusters to express her resentment and you wind up feeling guilty. I detect something here that we've also experienced -- difficulty in accepting responsibility for separate feelings. I understand the feeling - she did this and "made" me feel guilty. Actually, YOU made yourself feel guilty but yes, since you're in-love with her your GF's reactions contribute to the development OF your feeling.<p>Know why that is? Because feelings of being in-love are CONDITIONAL. This conflicts with what we're generally taught about love being UNconditional, but I believe it is true. A couple maintains feelings of being in-love by meeting each other's Emotional Needs, making fewer Lovebank withdrawals/and LOTS of Lovebank deposits. <p>Just an example, and no, I don't know that this is what is happening but bear with me--<p>Dleprechan: "She's still UP? I'm so tired of this cr*p. She should already be in bed, make her mind! I need some peace and quiet!"<p>In just reading that, can you see where your GF might feel defensive and you just lost a lotta love units? Sometimes it could even be just the tones. Presented that way, it's a normal reaction for your GF to lose sight of what you think the problem is...she now feels like you don't care about HER feelings at all! I don't think you mean it that way, you are just expressing your feeling at that minute and are probably surprised that your GF doesn't immediately HELP you feel better by attending to the problem. She was probably just as surprised at your Lovebusting way of expressing yourself and whatever willingness to negotiate or compromise she might have had just flew out the window!<p>Start working on HOW you make requests. Demands = bad, respectful requests = good! It will take time to learn better communication skills, but very worth it, promise! <p>What might be another way to describe the problem? One idea--"Honey, it's 9 pm. I'd like to spend some quality time with you...okay if we start getting munchkin ready for bed?"<p>See the difference?<p>On to another problem....<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>We fought and argued constantly, I thought the best thing to do was move out.<hr></blockquote><p>If I had it to do-over again (and boy, wouldn't that be nice!--to be ABLE to do things over again!), I would not have moved in with my BF/now-H. I would waited until we were married. Living together becomes sort of a rent-to-own situation and sometimes it feels easier to just chuck the whole thing. Well, it IS easier, isn't it. No marriage ties, a feeling of "I don't HAVE to put up with this stuff"...and we can still see that escape light behind the cracked-open door over there. We think try, try...hmm, TRY...ooooh, problems, warning-warning, I'm outta here because it isn't working! <p>Well, by leaving, your GF then distrusts that you're going to "be there" for her. What IS the commitment, btw? Is the idea to eventually get married? It's tough on the kids too when the option of leaving is taken, sets up all sorts of insecurities.<p>Some of your needs were not being met...some of HER needs were not being met. This is a recipe for the disaster of affairs. But you aren't married and at the time, were not even living together...because you left...and she turned to another....<p>You CAN recover from this and be very happy, if you both CHOOSE to work on the relationship, forgive each other and continually work on how to make things better TOGETHER. MB concepts are very, VERY good, IMO...a blueprint to how to achieve relationship happiness and harmony.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>And I cant help but feel that if it wasnt for her daughters behavior none of that would have happened.<hr></blockquote><p>I'm having great difficulty understanding how a 3 yr. old wields so much power in manipulating circumstances! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I'm sorry, I couldn't resist...and DO hope I didn't hurt your feelings with some gentle humor. It was wrong of me to do but I'm leaving it in the post anyway. Smile!<p>Would you agree that your frustrations stem from not agreeing on childcare issues? Do you really feel that your GF is disregarding your feelings, and it hurts? Well, I suggest telling your GF THAT way instead of blaming her daughter's behavior for the train wreck. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I hope you keep posting. This is a great place for advice, to share problems...and an option for venting instead of AT each other in hurtful ways. I used it sometimes to figure out how to WORD things before sticking my foot in my mouth with my H. You may want to consider moving your posts to the Emotional Needs section. You'll get more responses with the traffic over there. <p>If I have misunderstood the situation in any way, please explain. This is just my two cents attempt to help, toss anything that does not apply. <p>shybb3--<p>Why did you delete your post? Are you feeling overwhelmed?

Yes Lucks in a way I am feeling overwhelmed by all of this. But the main reason was that what I had written offended my BF and he though I was attacking him. Instead of fighting with him about it I just deleted. Thanks for your responses they have been really good.

Are things any better, you two?<p>We went through the same thing about posting. My H got VERY offended by what I typed. Then he would post, and I would get upset! Had a few deleted posts too.<p>We finally started accepting that we posted our feelings. We stopped getting upset over it, and started working THROUGH the feelings. I hope you can too.<p>Hang in there!