I certainly do need some Christian advice. I have been married for 3 years (this is not my first marriage) and things have been going downhill from day one. First off, he told me he was a Christian before we got married and later I find out he is not. His mom spoiled him all his life and she has bailed him out of situations all his life. He has an 11 year old daughter that would never hear from him, except for me buying things for him to send her. He makes half of what I make and has alot of expenses (smoking, cell phone, new car, etc.) Sounds like I have spoiled him too. He is very self centered and works his 39 hours per week and that is it. No house work, no helping out on bills...nothing...unless I nag, nag, nag and it might work for a day. He is not interested in sex or romance. He enjoys spending time with friends and says I don't understand his need for male friends. I suffer from depression and this behavior isn't helping. There are too many responsibilities on me and I feel that he should be the main breadwinner, not me. He will not do anything extra. The mother always took care of her husband, so that's what he knows...and assumes all women will automatically work, cook and clean. I have also caught him in some lies. Any suggestions?

I don't know if I can help or not, but I can say you are not the only one. I could have written your post! It sounds like my H exactly. I feel like he's a teenager and I'm the mom. My H only works 6 hours a day due to cutbacks, won't work a pt job to help our finances (caused by him being unemployed for an entire year), he stays up all night playing computer games and who knows what else (11pm-7am) every single day! His mom has spoiled him and babied him so much so that he can't grow up. He has barely touched me our 2 years of marriage and I am about to divorce him. I'm sorry you are going through this -- I sympathize with you and understand completely. I don't know what the answer is....

You BOTH could be writing my story!!! I had many of the same problems with my stbx.<p>moondrop, realise you are expecting him to change life long behaviour patterns, the essence of who he is. (the Impossible).<p>Decide for yourself what would be acceptable to change. You can not get him to completely do a 180. But maybe a 90 would be OK?<p>Talk to him about the issues that are MOST important to you. (pick ONE or TWO only, then work on those.) Example: you would like him to help with the dishes, and vacuum the house once a week. Talk to him about how you can share responsibilities but start slow.<p>Remember, spoiled kids like to hear good things about themselves (don't we all).<p>The most important thing is to find something he is already doing to help no matter how small. (Does he service the car? Cut the grass? Pick up takeout?) Praise him extensively and always remind him how happy you are that he does these things.<p>Then when he starts helping out in the new ways you talk about, try to make him feel proud. ("I see you vacuumed today. What a great job you did. The carpet looks great honey. This calls for a celebration!") and reward him with something small - his favourite dinner, a cupcake, whatever.<p>If you make it seem like a good thing to help you, and not a negative thing (i.e. nagging) hopefully he will come about.<p>And remember, keep it in perspective. Don't expect a 180 change and don't expect it overnight.<p>Best of luck.<p>A.

Ladies-this is my story also!I am not going to get into details about my story but tell you what worked for me.First of all you must always put God first, the problems that you have with your husband can not be handled by you alone.So you have to stop thinking about what you need to do to change his ways. Pray about it and God will take care of him.I know because it has worked for me and believe me is was pure hell for me!I had 3 dogs,2kids and a farther-in-law all in a one-bedroom apartment and hubby was never around to help or even better our situation. It took my strenght to change the situation. You need to work on you, LOVE you and ask God to change you into the person that he wants you to be, it may take time but God will never fail you.Because you are married you have a comitment to God first and then to your husband,you will have to remain sumissive.If he Does things to make you unhappy, be extremely nice to him and remember you are doing this to please God.It is very hard to do but the results will be good if do what is expected of you.It is a very long road and just remember we are all sinners some more than others.Don't expect your husband to be like you, he is different and has his own faults but in time and prayer,he will find his way. Life is not promised forever so please allow God to make a change in your life. It is really simple once he is a part of your life. <p>God Bless! <p>New to the board so please excuse.

I think he need some toughness out of you, its time he fended for himself for a while then he can appreciate how much you do for him. He needs a wakeup call.

Same situation. But I finally realized I was enabling his behavior. I continued to do everything, and he'd claim that when he tried it wasn't good enough.
It helped me to learn to detach.
Try reading "Codependency No More" it was an eyeopener for me on my relationship.
When you stop enabling, he can be the person he is.

ermm... I am viewed as that sort of man. We men are funny species(women too). For instance, I can sleep on the same bedsheet, and only need to change it twice a year... my stbxw change it monthly or once every 2 weeks. I like the bedsheet coz it is softer with time and it smeels... anyways, u know what I mean. THis is just one of em. Like for instance I like to leave my glasses/mug around(living room, kitchen, bedroom). There is a logical reason for this. Coz for me to wash it everytime I drink, it would waste resource(water), and besides it is most economical to clean it like(well, depends, when I thik it is time, or when it collects dust). OK, I know this is silly, but this is how I am, but of course these things CAN change. But as I am nag more and more often by her, and she starts to bring in everything else(ike I amimmature and stuff like that) she starts to hurt me...

So I think it is best that we go out and grab that "men from MArs, women from Venus" book. I think tha is good. It has been lying around, but I never pick it up. My wife bought it B4 we even met. The thing is this, men are somewhat blind, they also REALIZE this when u do something drastic, or something drastic happened. A Divorce filed by wife comes to mind. I mean isn't that tragic? Yell for all you want, they just (men) dun seem to get it! Anyhow, by doin these things and others, I somehow give her a sense of insecurity. SHe does not even trust my driving, making me real nervous when she is sitting next to me. But when I drive alone, I feel so... RELAX and FREE! Anyhow this is my .02 as the husband who is about to sign that paper, I dun agree to it, but she is so insistant on it. I feel that she will be happier if I agree to a joint petiion instead of yelling, also the fact that we have a daughter. In a way I set my inner self free too. AM currently reading ANthony Robbin's Unleash the Power... it Helps for me right now, coz it hurts so very much, and besides that I read a lot these days, anything. I dun watch no TV coz most shows reminds me of something, and I will start crying like the pathetic dog tha I am <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> hehe... I know I can be strong... I am strong.. well, that's all folks. BTW, I am an Asian Chinese guy so what I post might not be relevant to you guys.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It seems like this is a lot of women's life. Mine is the same except that I can get my son to do more than my boyfriend. We run our own business and I do all of the paper work handle every thing in the offfice, plus purchase the supplies. But because I don't hold down a job outside of the house I don't work so doing everything in the house is my job as far as he is concerned. If I even ask him to take out the trash I have to go through a 20 min. speech about how hard he works, and how I don't do anything so why can't I do it. I told him to leave or change and he is leaving. I love him but, I can't be his mother. Which by the way says that it is my job because she does it for his father. I don't ask a lot from him just to pick up after himself and sometimes help. So if you find a solution please let me know, I need all the help that I can get.