I have read some of these posts and I feel bad for every one that has been a victim to such treatment. As for me, i have been married since MAR 00 and have I have a 19 month old son. There are a few things from the past that haunt me till this day. Maybe my problems aren't as bad as the ones i have read from the posts, but i just don't want it to get any worse. There was a time when I cheated on my wife, who was my girlfriend at the time, and till this day, she still brings up things from the past. I'm currently in the Navy just about to return from a 6 1/2 month cruise and then out of the blue, she sends me an E-Mail saying that she found out things about me that I never told her while I was seeing this other person. My problem is that I have trouble getting her to beleive me. She thinks that while I have been gone, I cheated on her. I have been honest and faithful to her and I will continue to. I just dont dont know how to get her to trust me. This has also been a problem in the past, but it seems worse now. If anyone can provide advise, I would greatly appreciate it.

Hi LittleJoe:<p>Ummm... don't know if I count to give you any advice as this is my very first post, but I'm a BS still having trouble trusting my H. <p>Have you taken the time to sit down and ask your W what she needs from you in order to feel secure with your relationship and begin trusting you again? It may take her a while to reflect on this and be honest with herself in order to be able to give you her answer. But if you want to save your marriage, you really ought to know what she needs. You see, for the past two years, my H has been doing what HE thinks I need to trust him again. But what I actually need is quite different from what he thinks I should derive a feeling of security from.<p>I just finished the book, "His Needs, Her Needs" last night (QUITE an eye-opener!), and I think I personally need my H to be more open and honest with me. He's the type of man who lies to protect me from knowing things he thinks will cause me anxiety. But what he doesn't realize is that I KNOW, with my female intuition, when he is either outright lying or withholding information from me. And because of the past A, this makes me immediately fear that he's been in contact with ex-OW and considering continuing their A.<p>My H has agreed to read the book next (but don't know if he really will), and I'm crossing my fingers he'll work with me on this as it's my last effort at saving our relationship. I'm on the verge of requesting a separation... I'm THAT unhappy with the way things are with us (though I'm sure he's unhappy too). Wish us luck, as we have two sons (ages 2 and 9 months) who will be effected by our divorce.

WATER RABBIT, THANK YOU FOR REPLYING BACK TO MY POST. I KNOW I DIDNT MENTION THIS ON THE FIRST POST I SENT BUT MY W IS 10 YEARS OLDER THAN ME. IM ONLY 23 AND I FEEL THAT SHE MIGHT BE INSECURE BECAUSE OF AGE DIFFERENCE. ITS REALLY HARD TO SIT DOWN AND HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH HER BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT I KNOW SHE WILL START GETTING MAD AGAIN. IT SEEMS AS IF SHES OUT TO GET ME. ONE OTHER THING I ALSO FAILED TO MENTION ABOUT HER IS THAT SHE HAS BEEN MARRIED BEFORE. SHE CAUGHT HER LAST HUSBAND KISSING ANOTHER FEMALE THAT SHE KNEW. I FEEL SHE CAN'T TRUST ME BECAUSE SHE'S BEEN HURT BEFORE. I KNOW I'M YOUNG, BUT I HAVE TRIED TO BE A RESPONSIBLE PERSON. I HAVE ALWAYS TRIED TO PROVIDE ALL I COULD FOR HER AND MY SON. ANOTHER THING I THINK THAT CONTRIBUTES TO IT, IS THAT SHE HAS HER MASTERS IN PSHYCOLOGY. I THINK SHE TRIES TO ANALIZE ME FROM THINGS THAT SHE HAS LEARNED FROM CLASSES. I WILL TRY TO SIT AND TALK WITH HER, HOPEFULLY SOMETHING GOOD WILL COME FROM THAT. WELL, ENOUGH FROM ME. AS FOR YOU, I HAVE TROUBLE GIVING ADVISE, BECAUSE IF I HAD SOME, I WOULD BE USING IT ON MYSELF. BUT YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY HARD TO FIND SOMEONE TO TRUST. EVEN WHEN MEETING SOMEONE FOR THE FISRT TIME, ITS REALLY HARD TO SAY HOW THEY ARE. SOME SAY THAT FIRST IMPRESSIONS ARE EVERLASTING. IN MY OPINION, NOT TRUE. SOME JUST USE THAT FOR BAIT. I REALLY DO NOT SUPPORT DIVORCE AND I KNOW THAT YOU WILL TRY YOUR BEST TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. ALL YOU CAN DO IS TRY. BUT IN TIME, WHAT EVER DECISSION YOU WOULD HAVE MADE, WILL HAVE PAID OFF. I KNOW IT'S HARD SEPERATING, NOT ON JUST YOU, BUT THE KIDS AS WELL. IF YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT, IF YOUR MARRIAGE DOESNT WORK OUT, WHICH I HOPE IT DOES, YOUR KIDS WILL LATER UNDERSTAND WHY YOU HAVE MADE THOSE CHOICES. IT IS OBVIOUS THAT YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE AFFECTED FROM THIS, BUT, WILL IT BE BETTER FOR THEM SEEING YOU AND YOUR H ARGURE? HAVE YOU MENTIONED COUNCILING TO HIM? I ONLY HEARD THAT IT HELPS FOR A WHILE AND THINGS GO BACK TO THE WAY THEY ONCE WERE. I CANT SAY THAT IT WON'T HELP YOU BECAUSE I HAVEN'T ATTENDED ANY SESSIONS MYSELF. BUT YOU NEED TO DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS RIGHT. BY ALL MEANS, TRY TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY. BUT YOU CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH. IT'S A TWO WAY DEAL, AND IF HE'S NOT LIVING UP TO HIS END OF THE BARGIN, THEN YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE YOU DON'T GET HURT ANYMORE. AT LEAST YOU KNOW YOU TRIED. I KNOW YOU DIDN'T MENTION THIS IN YOUR REPLY, BUT DOES HE HURT OR THREATEN YOU? IF SO, IT'S TIME TO PACK UP AND GET OUT. BUT GOING BACK TO TRUST, MAYBE YOU SHOULD ASK HIM WHAT HE WANTS IN THE RELATIONSHIP AND VISE VERSA. AS YOU KNOW, I'M IN THE NAVY. I DEAL WITH COMMUNICATIONS AND WHITHOUT COMMUNICATION, THINGS DON'T WORK THE WAY THEY SHOULD. I KNOW YOU WILL TRY YOUR BEST. I WISH THE VERY BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR DH. PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW IT GOES.

Michael:<p>Have you read any of Dr. Harley's books yet? Or even the wealth of information available on this website, rather than simply posting a request for advice on this discussion forum?<p>You state, "I HAVE ALWAYS TRIED TO PROVIDE ALL I COULD FOR HER AND MY SON." This is a very noble thing for you to do, and you should be commended for your efforts. However, if you have not read Dr. Harley's principles, then you have probably done all YOU think she needs, and not what SHE needs from you. <p>If your wife had cheated on you and you still had trouble trusting her, and she was far away from you for over half a year where you had absolutely no way of being sure if what she told you about her activities while you were apart was truthful or not, wouldn't you have cause for concern also? Be honest, Michael.<p>How much longer is your service with the Navy? It is just my opinion that your W will be unable to rebuild trust in you if you two are not together on a daily basis. Rebuilding shattered trust is hard enough without being physically separated for long periods of time. It may come down to you choosing between your military career and your marriage.<p>I really think it's the long absences away from family caused by your job that is the major obstacle in your situation. And NOT the age difference between you, the fact that your wife has suffered adultery in marriage before, or her Masters in Psych. Actually Michael, your W's maturity, previous experience in dealing with the pain of adultery in relationships, and her analytical mind are all things that should actually work in your favor for saving the marriage. Your W probably IS out to get you, but not in the negative way you're thinking... she's probably trying to get you back home because she needs you with her and your son.<p>And I doubt she's insecure about you being younger... she's only 33! She's in her sexual prime, and intelligent enough to have earned her Master's in psychology. She's already suffered the failure of one marriage, and if she's anything like me, would prefer to avoid a second black mark against her in this respect. My H is 6 years younger than me, and this is a second marriage for both of us. My ex-boyfriend (we were together for 5 years) was 8 years younger than me. I was 27 and divorced, and he 19 when we met, and HE was the one who was extremely insecure about our age difference and the fact that I'd experienced more in life than he had.<p>Thank you for offering what advice you could, but I didn't reply to your post because I wanted advice. I merely thought my input as someone from your W's side of the fence might help you to gain some insight -- and you DID ask for advice. I've gotten VERY valuable advice from reading one of Dr. Harley's books, and I'll buy several more if it looks like my H is willing to try this last ditch effort. Yes, this IS a 2-way street. But I'm putting my pride aside and meeting him more than half-way if I think it will save our marriage. I owe it to my children.