I need some advice. My wife and I have had a hard time over the last 5 years. We have been married for 15 years, together for 16 years and have three kids. She had an affair 5 years ago and it has been hell since - 3 separations, both of us on anti-depressants - it goes on and on.<p>About 2 months ago she kicked her boyfriend of a year, out of her house and she told me she would like to see if we could put things together again. She wanted total honesty and both of us committed to do what it takes - counselling, whatever.<p>I ended communications completely with two or three women that I have been talking with from time to time, including my ex-girlfriend who is involved with somebody else. My wife meanwhile, continues to accept calls and letters from her ex-boyfriend and even calls him on the phone, and sometimes lies about it. I do not believe that she has seen him since he left her house, but I am afraid that she will.<p>She also has told me that she needs help to deal with a problem that she feels that she has - mainly addictions to cigarettes, alcohol, romance, food, men and sex. She read a book about it and feels that this is her and she does want to get help. She says that she can't help it but continue to call him and talk to him. She is also depressed and has not been taking her medication for mnay months, she started again taking it this week.<p>What should I do - we both still love each other and want to be happy together, but she does not seem able to do what it takes, at least right now. Should I stay by her side and help her through this and hope and pray that a miracle happens - or should I just try and turn away from her and let her be responsible for her life and what happens, even if I get hurt by it along the way??

I say stick with her but if she is serious about making this work ALL communication with the boyfriend MUST END immediately. She can simply say I'm going to make my marriage work and I won't be talking to you (boyfriend) anymore. <p>And get counselling! She has admitted to some serious things but they can be worked through if she is serious about change.

"My wife meanwhile, continues to accept calls and letters from her ex-boyfriend and even calls him on the phone, and sometimes lies about it."<p>Rich, it appears that your wife is really not sincere about starting off with a clean slate. The fact is that she is continuing the affair with the bf.The chances are very likely that you will continue to ride the emotional rollercoaster until there is a decision to move on. People change if there is a strong desire to change. Unfortunately your wife does not want to really change contrary to what she says to you. Her actions prove this. I was listening to Dr.Laura show and a man phoned in that his wife was having an affair and that he was continually on a emotional rollercoaster. She asked him one question "Do you want to be on an emotional rollercoaster for the next 20 years". The answer was "NO". Dr. Laura then said to him that there was no need for her to give him an answer because he already knew what he had to do.<p>[ June 21, 2002: Message edited by: tomaz ]</p>