I have a fairly new "friend" who is a very nice guy, likes me and my kids, we get along pretty well. We have been making love, and it is enjoyable, but alot of times I end up getting hurt physically because he gets a little rough. I have told him to tone it down, and he does, but it usually happens again next time. Also, he has something of a fettish with submissive/dominant relationships and talks to people online about it alot. He also likes to manufacture leather cuffs and tie-downs. He says he would never use them on me, but it bothers me when he talks about it. He says he's joking. Also, he likes to grab me in intimate places in public and talk about sex in public within earshot of people such as my boss, etc. I think he's disrespectful of my wishes, he disagrees, says that's just how he is. What do you folks think? I recently broke it off with him and am currently seeing someone else, but this guy is trying to "make things right" and get back together with me again..
thanks!

If you think he's being disrespectful of your wishes, he is.

Being rough with someone that likes it is one thing, but if you don't like it, it's abuse.

The groping in public sounds to me like what was brought up in the OJ trial - that OJ grabbed Nicole in front of friends at a party and said "See this. This is MINE." Not saying that your xBF was anything like this possessive, but it doesn't sound like a healthy attitude about sex or YOU as a person, to me.

regards,

I think that this guy says that he is just kidding but really would like to involve you... Many times, it is easier to act like you are joking than be serious about a need or desire. Especially if it is something that may offend or concern that person.

If you have expressed that you don't like what he does or says and he continues to do it because "thats just the way he is..." I would ask yourself whether or not you would tell someone you cared about "hey thats just the way I am!" when they said they didn't like something you did.

Remember, you aren't talking about being a morning or night person or something similarly trivial... This is relatively serious stuff...

Just be carefull and be true to yourself! You deserve it!

Cedarberry,
Please listen to your instincts and if your gut tells you that this guy makes you uncomfortable, RUN. This should be easy since you already broke off and are involved with someone else, so just tell him so. You've asked him to stop being rough and that he was hurting you and he continued saying "that's just how he is"--this sounds like bad news to me and that he will not adjust to take into account your feelings/discomort/even pain! Please take care of yourself and don't get yoursel in any danger. Trust your gut feeling--the one that told you in the first place to RUN.
Good luck and keep us posted.

I agree with the comments that the other folks have given.
Since you have discussed your feelings with him and his response is "that's the way i am" I would suggest that share with him some of the thoughts from the responses. You think his actions show disrespect and his "just kidding" comment masks his true feelings (not very well I might add)See how he reacts. If he continues I'd seriosly think about ending the relationship.
Keep in mind.....people are usually on their best behaviour early on in a relationship. If this is his best behavior,look out!No run!

Deleted by administrator.

<small>[ July 21, 2002, 08:39 PM: Message edited by: Tempest ]</small>

Cedarberry says that he hurts her physically while making love, she tells him and he keeps doing it. She says that his discussion about leather cuffs bothers her. She says that he is disrespecful of her. She came to THIS BOARD to ask for help so obviously she is not OK with these things.

Who cares what people on this board think? Cedarberry must have or she would not have posted personal information and asked for help.

The guys behavior is demeaning and abusive if it is not WELCOMED by his partner.

Get out now Cedarberry, before he hurts you any further.

Deleted by administrator.

<small>[ July 21, 2002, 08:39 PM: Message edited by: Tempest ]</small>

CP,
I respectfully ask if you have taken the time to familiarize yourself with the MB principles and the purpose of this board.

You have asked why anyone would care what anyone else on the "silly message board" has to say? You say that others opinions are irrelevant?

The point of this board is for those who are looking for help with relationships and are willing to read about MB principles and put them into action.

Please respect that and remember that we are here to help each other...