Hi,

This is my first time posting. I need some advise on this matter of Privacy. My H feels that Privacy is part of Marriage and I feel the opposite about this.

This issue came about because I went "snooping" (not a good thing to do) in his business laptop, I found emails of a conversations this woman from our church and my H was having. The conversations were about her personal life... she is over 30 and not married,and asked my H for advice...and he tried to "motivate" her... and he took her out to lunch and I never knew and it had been a month and he did not mention anything.

I also found a conversation with a woman coworker, who was pursuing him. Although he handled the situation, He did not tell me about her. He did mention about a problem a coworker was having...but did not tell me that she was after him.

I may be wrong...but he says that was his private laptop and I had no right to into his private things. And that he feels that one should have the choice what things to tell their spouse.

I am confuses and sad. We don't see eye to eye on this. Can someone give me an opinion on this.

Thanks,

Mari

Hi Mari. Welcome to the board.

From an MB standpoint, you and your H would benefit from:

The Policy of Radical Honesty

Reveal to your spouse as much
information about yourself as you know;
your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes,
dislikes, personal history, daily activities,
and plans for the future.

In MY opinion, there should be no "secrets" in a marriage. Secrets pave the way to resentments, distrust, and can eventually erode quite seriously into a relationship. That is also the opinion of Dr. Harley.

Now of course, we suspicious spouses must also follow MB rules. No lovebusting when discussing concerns. (Believe me, they just make things worse!) It's up to us to be stalwart in our approach...calm, caring, and respectful. Harley agrees that snooping is necessary in tough situations but ya don't want it to be a continuing thing. Gotta work toward resolutions so snooping isn't necessary, right? I think your apology will greatly help. No, you shouldn't have taken the initiative to look at his laptop without his permission. On the other side of the coin, he really shouldn't be hiding anything in a healthy relationship!

Calmly explain the MB concepts. Ask for his opinion. Really listen, and be positive and appreciative about his willingness to discuss it with you. Tell him if okay with him, you'd really like to try this MB thing and see if it helps BOTH of you. It really does help him TOO, you'll just have to figure out in convo how to sell those points as well.

Maybe not all at the same time, but eventually discuss what you both will learn here...how opposite sex friendships can be very destructive if information is withheld from the spouse. An opposite sex friendship is inappropriate if things are done or discussed that would NOT occur in the presence of the spouse! I'd say work on that slowly and gently. Your H will be hopefully learning new relationships habits with you through MB, and it will take some time to "win him over." You know how men like to think they thought of the idea themselves??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This is a good place to vent too, by the way. It saves our spouses from our wrath while WE're working through issues too. Hang in there, and best of luck! I know how frustrating it is but things will get better.

Laura,

Thanks for your reply. I don't know if my H would benefit from any of the MB. I have visited others sites for advice and comfort, only for him to tell me when we discuss things, "where did you get your opinion from".

Yes, we need to be more honest with each other. I think that couples contemplating marriage need to take this into consideration about this privacy issue. I "assumed" we were on the same page about issues of secrecy and privacy from the time we married, although we did not discuss this issue, I thought we were the best of friends and thought we would do nothing to make each other break that breach of trust. I'm learning no one is immune to this and its the way it is handled.

This happened a year ago, and I still can not let go. I know what to do, let go, and let God. But it is easier said than done.

Thanks again,

Mari

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have visited others sites for advice and comfort, only for him to tell me when we discuss things, "where did you get your opinion from"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"From this wonderful marriage building site, appropriately called MarriageBuilders. I really like and agree with what I've been reading, and I'd like to try the concepts with your agreement. Where did you get YOUR opinion from, dear?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Keep the conversations going pleasantly. Just because he doesn't necessarily agree with you (or MB) doesn't mean he won't learn some things through osmosis. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Laura,

Can you direct me where I need to go and read up on the information you have given me.

Thanks,

Mari