Hi MB Friends,

I have an awful situation that I am in right now! I am new but not new and have read many books and forums.
MY H of 11 years walked out for the third time (short 4-8 days before) after I had asked him about missing hours on his pay stub which he had been hiding them for a few months. He told me his pay stubs or his business was not my business. There had been total coldness and him being nasty for almost a year before the stubs. He moved out on May 22 and has not returned only to mow. He has not offered to pay any bills, but did take his personal ones which were for all his toys. He always spent and charged way to much. I do not have an address or have any idea where he is living or with whom which I do believe he is having an A. When he comes I just talk to him normal, but one day he wanted to blame - I am the whole blame ya know? I just asked him to leave. He went on Vac no number or calls from him. He has never taken me - we do nothing. I work as a nurses aide and now I am on comp for a hurt wrist - no money yet. I have always split the house bills with him. I did cancel our bank account very small amount for bills and put it in mine back in May - oh yes it made him mad, but I had all the house bills and mortgage, and he made no attempt. I also changed the locks on the doors. I know not cool - it was his choice to leave and I am not having him walk in and out of here which he has done 2 other times. I also went to a lawyer for divorce. It has been on hold as I do not want a divorce. I do need financial support and the only way to get enough in NY state is to file for divorce. If I just take him in for support I get a little. Now what do I do? I asked him if he was going to support me and he told me I was not his responsibility! I make half of what he does. I have surgery coming up in a week and I have been off work since 6-26. I do not want to rock the boat here. Really need advice! I wanted to go to counseling, but he has refused. Was going to - H says they only have their opinions and so it is not true help. Confused - oh yes! He has insurance for counseling through his work. God and me only knows how much I need to speak to one! My roller coaster ride has been a good one. I am alone no kids and it is awful! Sorry for the length but needed to explain and not sure I got it all out! Thanks for listening and any suggestions would help me lots.

Thanks
Desmee@aol.com
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

It sounds like you have done a lot to protect yourself (changing locks, closing joint account, etc)

Have you talked to a lawyer about alternative ways to get support? You did say that you could take him to court just for support? In Florida you can get a separate maintanance even though most lawyers refuse to do it. Maybe there are other ways like taking him to civil court for specific bills (i.e. - sue him for specific things). I am not sure - just brainstorming.

Hi JW,
Thanks for the post! I have brainstormed also, but could not afford to pay anymore as my lawyer has the full amount already. The only problem for taking H to family court here is it does not give you the full amount and God only knows why? I am not trying to punish him, but he made a commitment to me and our marriage and then just dissapears without thinking he has any reponsibilities. It threw me overboard! I have had a very rough time with this as I have never done anything to cause this abandonment and I am still trying to figure it all out which of course is driving me nuts! He had talked me into doing Aide work again, (I did private care, more money, for years until she died) and buying a 99 Van because he said my car was bad which I do not believe it is. Now with a hurt arm I am off work. I think he had all this planned out awhile ago! We just remortgaged this house, it brought the cost down but it still has a big payment. I had a counselor tell me today that he is playing games and it is very unexceptable behavior for any one! She also told me that she felt he had big deep problems and did not think for along time could I break this without him here. When I explained this situation she really got upset. He refuses now to go to counseling but I will! I just am at such a loss I do not know where to turn. I stay on here nightly hoping to help myself through this before my heart gives out. I have had such awful chest pains this week. I know it is stress but I am 52 and not young. He is 46. Well thanks again for the reply and anymore ideas!

You have to do what you feel is right for you. I was in a similar situation a little over a year ago. My husband moved out and he did not help out financially at all during the time he was gone. I was lucky that my lawyer let me file a separate maintanance agreement. If he hadn't I probably would have just filed the divorce. I have several small children at home so the fact that they would suffer without financial help from him would have convinced me.

I don't know what to tell you. I will definately keep you in my prayers. Sometimes the way the law is written it makes it so difficult to do the right thing and protect ourselves at the same time. I can suggest that you post this in the emotional needs folder. Maybe someone else who has been in your situation could give you more insight.

The only other thing I can think of is legal aid. I believe there is some type of legal aid in every state and they are free or low cost depending on your income. Most of the time if your spouse is not living with you then his income is not included.

Hi Doreen,
I really don't have much to offer except to say welcome and I am sorry you had to come here.

Hi JW,
Thank you for your input! I am very confused at this time as he calls and worries I am with another man or dead? But does not call when he gets off work at 11 pm or comes around only when the yard needs mowing. We do not talk about anything and tonight he called and when he had to go I told him I loved him and he said do you really? He never tells me nor really shows it. this surgery he won't come to be with me, I have to go by myself! I have no one other than me. This is LOVE? I have not heard from him since Monday. Brief conversations that really make no sense to me. I do not push anything and try to stay upbeat and positive which is really hard as I feel his calls are head games as I can here him snear most of the time. He does not like it when he calls though and I am not here. I go to Mom's or Sis's or shopping or for a ride. He asked where I go and told him those two and oh I don't know around. Guess it bugged him.
I am just afraid to take him into court as I know his temper and he did say he would quit his job. Legal aide here is a very low income and I do not qualify. Shoot welfare here is about 300 a month is all you could earn to get any help in a month.
Really bad here in NY State. I do not have children so this is even harder. I do know if we go to court he has to pay. I am just doing a waiting game at this time but it is getting serious now with taxes due in a month or so and me out of work. My nerves will never make this!
Thanks again and may God Bless you too always!

Hi Sue,
Thank you for your welcome. I talked to you once before in EN. I am still trying to get all this right. My situation is finally wearing me down. Did me a 35 lb loss already! Your situation does not sound like it has changed much in a few months. Sorry <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . I only hope for the best on here and say prayers for all of you. God has been good to me so far and know he will get me through somehow. I still want my H home in the worst way and know that someday he is going to wake up and realize what he has done. I only hope the same goes for your and many others. So much of this today and it is so sad when it will happen to them again if they do not turn themselves around and repair what they have already done. Yes we make our mistakes but I believe we would do much better if we had the support, affection, love
from the begining. Women need so much more than men do - not that I have not given lots of Love and care to my H. When things do not feel right we come ungluded and it makes us snap and be jittery. If we just could make them understand a hug or a kind word would get us through there would be much less of this with our men! Sorry for rattling on and on! I do wish you the very best!
Desmee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Deleted by administrator.

<small>[ July 21, 2002, 08:36 PM: Message edited by: Tempest ]</small>

<small>[ July 22, 2002, 06:55 PM: Message edited by: Doreen ]</small>

Hi Doreen - I pray that you find somewhere you can turn to get support. When I went through my divorce from my first husband his whole family turned against me. I did not expect their loyalty really but I couldn't believe they just pretended he never did the things that he did to my kids and me. It killed me not only because I thought these people cared about me but what they did endangered my kids also. It is heartbreaking like you said to find out that people you once thought of as family would just as easily turn their back on you.

<small>[ July 22, 2002, 06:57 PM: Message edited by: Doreen ]</small>

Cody Pendant:
Nobody thinks you're funny. Don't come back here.

Hi Bellevue,
Thanks for the support! I have never seen anything on here like that reply to my posts. I have only told the truth on here and must be not appreciated. Guilt? Well I do not have a place to go right now or even know where to start as my husband was my whole life and I thought he felt the same way. When we first started going out in Aug 1991, he had two boys and a girlfriend which he said he was not going back to. I thought he would take care of his kids and I would help him but he turned his back on them and never even sent a card. This gave me many heartaches and I did ask him about it many times. He just passed it off. Our marriage was never bad but past Aug he got funny acting and I thought it was his neck, fingers or knee's so I tried not to get to ansey. It continued until he had me a mess inside - if they only knew what they do to us? We have never fought much only little spits until March - a blow out as it was my Birthday and not much was done, had supper at my Mom's and he even slept there. Things just had not been right and I feel way to much and have lots of instinct! He left and then came back 7 or 8 days later very cold. Then left again March 31 and stayed about 4-5 days, on May 22 he left again - no address each time. He now comes and mowes but does not tell me what is going on or should I say he will not tell me. The other day over this crap on here I called his cell and was not very nice. He called next day I really let him have it as I am very tired of the head games, lies and dishonesty, also his not caring if I live or die. So I told him to go to hell! I am such an emotional mess that this is making me very sick. I can not eat, sleep and heart still hurts. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest most of the time, I cry day in and day out. 11 years with a person is just tough to give up when you love them with all your heart. So what do you do from here on? I just do not know if I will make it through all this. Thanks again for your support. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

The best way to deal with someone like Cody Pendant is to ignore them. The first posting I saw him/her on, he was COMPLETELY ignored, and I felt it was very effective. Maybe then, they will get bored and move on. It certainly appears he/she is not here for anything constructive.

If you will do some research on the poster, the majority of his/her posts have been deleted by the moderator. If you will bring this thread and post to their attention, they might do the same in this case. Just e-mail them.

Hi Doreen!
Don't be offended by one rude post. I've been reading posts for awhile now and those are rare.
It sounds to me as though your husband is still interested in you if he is wondering about another man. You could just wait it out if you have the patients and faith. I know its hard though.
Try to get more involved with a church-a good one
for emotional support.
As far as financial support, it's hard even with minor children to get spousal maintainance these days. You may get the house since you are still in it, but often times the house and bills are split or according to ability to pay. My advice would be to prepare to support yourself 100% and if you get help from him-its a pleasant suprise! Otherwise you could end up continuousely frusterated and waiting. Best of luck to you!

Hi Doreen,

I just wanted to pop in and let you know that you are in my prayers. I don't know what to tell you about your situation. It sounds very difficult. I went through something similar with my husband a little over a year ago - not exactly but similar. I reacted a little different though. At first it was as painful as you described but then I just stopped caring at all. When he came home to work things out I let him but since that time my heart has never been in it like it used to. Somehow we need to be able to come to a balance of going on with our own lives without completely shutting the door on our husband.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How are you doing now? How are your children? Do you work? well thanks again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The kids and I are doing good. All of them are healthy and happy but the older 2 are not looking foward to school starting in a couple of weeks - LOL. I have a work-at-home business that I am trying to make some money with. Much easier than trying to make a living and pay daycare full time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And you are welcome.

Hi Becontent,
Yes those are cruel people that are just miserable with themselves for their own actions that got them no where! I did not find any more posts from Cody. Thank you for your kind reply!

Hi Ezra,
Thanks for nice reply!
Yes I do get enough support, just very hard right now! I caught him through a good friend and a another friend of mine that is a PI as having a girlfriend. This weekend almost did me in. I do not know why I get so sick. Chest pains are not good. I sent him a D-Day letter today. I can not take much more of this. I thought just maybe he needed time and was willing to believe he did not have anyone else. I do not go out so there is no chance of me having a boyfriend. Yes he may still have some love there for me but I still do not understand any of this. I have been married before and it never hit me like this. As far as support well I can forget that and just try to get a better job. As soon as they get this arm fixed I will work on it. I can sell Items on ebay to tide me over. I usually do good on there. What do I do next? Thanks for caring!

Hi JW,
Had to change my name, but it is still Doreen so now you will know me when I write to you! Your situation is awful. I only wish my husband would come and want to work this out. In time he may as our marriage was not bad. He is into an A and I sent him a letter today - no contact letter. It made me cry as I hated to do this, but in order for us to work it had to be done. It has been 5 months of hell here and with no one like friends or someone close I get ansy with lots of anxiety attacks. I do love my husband unconditionally and only hope he still does me. We had lots together, but it just grew cold and I now believe it was this OW. Then we started to spat it was due to no EN'S being met and no C. My husband is a tough one to talk to and I just do not like to argue.
So I now know what happened just ot correct it is the tough one.
Well I am glad the kids are good and you have a chance to fix your marriage! I found this on here somewhere did you read it? I found it very interesting and maybe it will help you! Let me know what you think ok?
I make a distinction between loving and being in love. We often fall in love with the wrong people! Falling in love means very little because it's driven by brain chemistry: we are truly in an altered state when we're in love, and it doesn't mean diddly when it comes to making a lifelong commitment. It always fades - ALWAYS - and even though we may rekindle it in the context of a loving, committed relationship, and have very romantic moments with our loved one, the newness wears off and the brain chemicals can't maintain that crazy, head over heels sensation for long stretches any more.

Loving is the doing and the deciding and the committing. It's making someone else your top priority even when they're not very lovable. It too involves brain changes, but at a much deeper level - it has to do with bonding, becoming attached, and feeling like family. Some people have problems with this kind of love, and may not be able to be attached in a deep way. They may be perfectly capable of falling in love, but not capable of staying committed when the giddiness fades.

Being married has much more to do with the decision than the feeling. Marriage will NOT always feel good! Humans being humans, we will screw up and hurt each other. If it's not perfect, some people will think the grass is greener - but the problem, unless their spouse is cheating or beating them or committing crimes, is really more within themselves.

People who walk away from nice partners just didn't know much about how to LOVE, even if they were IN love. The marriage isn't supposed to make you happy. It can make you happier, but you gotta be a happy camper going IN to a marriage! Happy, content, ready to share your happiness with someone else, ready to take care of them when they're ill, ready to put up with their bad moods, etc. I think a lot of people think being in love makes them ready for marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Were you ever in love? Sure you were! Does that keep a marriage together? Obviously not. Character, commitment, loving (even at those times when your partner isn't very lovable!), and keeping your word - THAT'S what keeps a marriage together ~~~~~~!

Hi again!
I TOTALLY agree with your definitions of love. If my marriage was only based on feelings, we wouldn't be together-would anyone?? It takes hanging in there in the blagh times, bad times etc.At times it can be SUCH a heartache and then-total bliss. I hope your husband figures this out bfore you totally check out of your marriage. His EA will wear out as they almost always do from what I have seen.I'll keep you in my prayers!