Hubby of 3+ years found 3 times in past 6 months with pornographic videos. I'm beside myself. I can't deal with this, need help! I'm new to marriage builders, but found this because I care enough to want to try.

I have been working at it all along, but he withdrew very early in marriage. 2 pregnancies only 9 months apart has been hard. Add to it the fact he works 3rd shift, I work 1st.

I have been married once before for 6 years. EXH started going to strip bars and doing porn in our home. Then, he became abusive sexually and physically. I left and went home to my parents. He never came after me and the baby.

I don't understand why this keeps happening to me!

I am about 25 lbs overweight, but I'm 5'6" tall. The weight isn't that bad, and I've been loosing now that I'm finished nursing.

We used to get along so well. I've looked at myself hard to place blame, especially since this is the second time this has happened. I'm the common denominator.

I loved him so much. He said he loved me. He knew the pain of what happened in my first marriage and the effect it had on me. If he loved me, why did he pick this sore spot to stomp onr my love?

Someone, please help me understand what is going on. I don't care if I learn it is my fault, as long as I learn something to help. I have 3 kids that dont need to loose a home to something like this. I'm willing 2 do whatever it takes to help this out, but he doesn't care. He doesn't even show remorse over it. He says it means nothing to him, and that I'm being silly. I say it has ripped the security from my home, it has raped my once healthy sexual relationship with my husband, and it has destroyed what little emotional intimacy we once had. It means everything to me.

First of all, this is NOT your fault. There are men/women out there who are addicted to porn! (I know this because my H was) Your H needs to seek counseling! My H has, and all he porn crap stems from his youth (how he learned about sex, etc.) Please ask your H to see a C!!!

But, I say again... THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! You just happened to chose two men with the same problem!!!

-mcnyh

I hate it too. Why do men like porn? If I want to get excited - I would want my husband to excite me - not looking at some stranger. Everytime I find a porn video - I distroy it. Sometimes he even keeps them in the truck. What a sick habit. It makes me cringe that he likes to watch other women. What about me? Then when we do have sex - all he wants is a blow job.

I think you first have to realize that it is a natural drive in us to become somewhat turned on by what we see. The excitability is uncontrolable. Now how we choose to handle it is the individuals choice. Some things obviously excite guys more than others... IE: legs, lips, butts, etc. So try to understand that it is kind of like an itch, hunger pain, thirst, an unquenchable fire, and this crazy chemical just to make things interesting called Testosterone. So with that in mind, it becomes somewhat understandable why a person will try to scratch an itch, eat anything to satisfy hunger, take a few sips of water to quench that thirst and flame and hopefully help neutralize that chemical for a few hours. Again, it's an individuals choice though, how we choose to deal with it. I'm not condoning porn. I'm more than positive that it is extremely deceptive. But that's just like anything else. The flesh is like a hand that never says enough. It continues to beckon the soul to feed it. Believe me it's not as simple of thing as you might think.
But to: "Goodgrief", I'm sure your hubby is just merely lookin to mix it up a bit. If you two messed around more often, I'd be positive he'd want missionary just as often as the BJs. It's the infrequency for some us that plays a screwy role in all this. Like if my wife and I haven't done anything in awile, then I'm extremely interested in that.... because of sensitivity??? I don't know. If we're steady with a variety if intimacy then it seems to be alot of fun accrossed the board. I'm sure I'm rambling.
I might be wrong, because I'm not in your situation but if my wife attempted to discuss it with me using a calloused approach, my defenses would spring into action before I could even contemplate her needs. I'm sure youve discussed this with him previously. I'm not saying it is going to change at all. But definately speak your feelings and continue to put what is right before you. You have your own individual rights. It's just the compromising is difficult. I'm sure there is a reason that this might become an obstacle between you both. But before condemning the man, first contemplate resolutions between you both. Because it effects you both not just him. He's dealing with his appetite as you are. Just in different ways. Whew!! Pretty hard to describe.

Porn is adictive in any form... It can and does kill trust... Your H needs to stop. I shut it off 5 years ago and have been away ever since. The problem is I believe I have caused untold damage to my marriage because of this. He needs help or the will power to "unplug". It is so easy nowdays with the internet and all.

Thanks, Numbing, for the "male" view on this. I had prayed someone would enlighten me to that.

I always try to see people from "outside the box" - from their perspective. Y'know, Covey's 7 habits (seek 1st to understand, then to be understood)? I won't go so far as to say I'm not like other females. But I do try to understand where he's coming from before going off about an issue. Many times, when I gain understanding, there is no need to be upset.

The thing is, I have NEVER turned him away. If he wants it, I will work out something so it can happen. I'm more than happy to oblige. I used to be more spontaneous and initiate as often as he did in the beginning.

Since all of this has been going on, I now feel like I'm not enough for him in some way. It has seriously dimished any impulses I've had to start things, but I still do not turn him away.

I would have said I had a stronger appetite than he did until I realized this was going on. Now, I wonder how often he has turned to this instead of me. I'm certain that he's had equal or greater needs than I have. His "other" persuits have seriously hurt my ability to express my physical needs, and even, to a certain extent, my emotional ones.

When I first noticed the frequency diminishing, I blamed it on the first of two pregnancies in 20 months. Even though the kids came quicker than we wanted (medical problems with me and The Pill), they are beautiful kids, and he truly loves them. He wanted them badly, and is a very good father to them.

When I had approached him about it, he said he knew we had a risk of unplanned pregnancies before we ever married. He had never worried about the fact that they came along so soon, and he quipped "Y'know, we DID buy a liscense for that sort of thing". He seemed so unconcerned about it. So I asked why we didn't have more frequency. He said "C'mon, it can't always be a lifelong honeymoon, we work two different shifts. You have to be in the same place in order for it to happen!" He was so lighthearted about it at that time, I felt like I was giving too much attention to the issue, and I let it go.

We had several serious talks about porn before we got married. He knew about my past experience with it, and that I would freak out if I ever found it in my home again. I know it is a war with men: fleshly needs vs. the acceptable (hormone vs. reason). I tried to lay it all out before we committed to each other. At that time, he told me he had no need for porn, he had the real thing. I believed him.

After I found the first movie, we talked. I let him know I was trying hard to understand his needs. He said he didn't feel he could express them with our different shifts and the demands with the kids.

He tells me that friends at work give him the tapes, as they circulate among "the guys". At first, he tried to convince me that he didn't watch them.

I told him I knew that was a lie. If he didn't have the ability to stand up to his friends and say no, he could have just locked them in his locker at work for a few days, and then returned them to the guys, without loosing face. He knew what he stood to loose if he brought them home. He had brought them home for one reason, and that was to view them.

After I said that, he admitted that he had watched them. He said he is not happy with the frequency between us. I asked him how am I to know unless he talks to me about it. If he doesn't express his needs to me, I can't satisfy them.

Even though I wouldn't be totally comfortable, I offered to allow him to video us together. That way, I wouldn't feel like he had cheated with another woman if I found him watching that. He never even responded to me. He left it dangle there, and just promised not to bring another one home again.

After I found the third movie, I lost my cool, which is very unlike me. The kids weren't here, and I just blew up. I destroyed the tapes in front of him, and I told him I could care less who they belonged to. I told him that if he brought one here again, he would have to leave. He stood there looking at me like I had grown a horn out of my forehead, and then said "I never thought you'd get this upset about it". I'm not proud to admit it, but that was the one time in my life I truly wanted to choke someone. I had to go for a walk to get away from that one.

It would be different if we had not had an understanding on the issue before hand. Yet I know the boundary was established clearly.

His behaviour is such a flagrant disregard for my feelings, that I can't interpret this any other way except that he no longer cares about me.

I thought at first that he was using a sensitive subject to "cry out" to me. But his refusal to talk about it, repetitive offenses, and avoidance of the issue have seemed to demonstrate he just doesn't care to resolve the issue between us.

I am always so careful no to hurt him in ways I know he's been hurt before. I love him too much to do that to him.

I've asked him to do counseling with me, but he refuses. He uses our shifts and lack of childcare against me. Yet he won't open up and discuss this or anything else with me.

So I'm struggling to try and understand. I made a vow. I have kept mine in every way possible so far. I want to keep it always. I'm just seriously doubting if he wants the same thing.

There's porn, and then there's PORN. Is your guy turned on by underage-looking nudes? Then worry! But general sexy stuff? Why panic? Personally, I don't see a whopping difference between guys looking at magazines or videos, and women reading racy "romance" novels. Neuropsychology reveals that mena are generally more aroused by by visual material and women tend to be more excited by verbal/written erotica. That said, just because H2 likes porn doesn't mean that he's a replay of H1. And just because your hard-working, late-shift husband likes porno does not necessarily reflect his feelings or lack of feeling for you. Maybe he needs some release and doesn't want to bother you, or is afraid you'll think some of his sexual turn-ons are weird? I don't understand why some women find sexually explicit material so threatening, honestly. I think it has to do with your upbringing and your experience w/H1...but it might really not be that H2 has a problem. And, unlike some respondents, I certainly don't leap to the conclusion that he's "addicted." Maybe you should read him racy parts of romance novels? It could lead to deeper intimacy & better sex!

Thanks 4 your reply, Heartbroken. I appreciate your opinion. So sorry this has hurt your marriage, 2. Didn't think any men would feel this was harmful.

Yes, I was brought up in a "strict" environment. However, it taught sex in marriage was a beautiful gift of God, pleasurable 4 both people. I have never been inhibited w/my hubby in the least.

He's so hesitant 2 try 2 deepen or work on our relationship. Scifimom may be correct, he may fear my rejection. He is hiding his sexual needs, 4 certain. He also seems 2 hide from the problems between us, rather than 2 address them. I think that may affect his sexual desire, 2. He tends to "carpetbag". Maybe his answer 2 problems in the relationship is 2 turn 2 the videos? The problems don't get addressed until he blows up, that's 4 sure.

Ironically, his use of the porn makes me feel TOTALLY rejected and insecure as I feel the videos are satisfing the needs I should be. What he fears, I now must withstand so that he can avoid the meer threat of it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Sometimes, I think if he only knew how much I loved him, he would see I would try very hard not 2 reject him. Then, I try very hard 2 show it. As that appears not 2 work over time, I get angry because he's allowed this 2 come between us and allowed it 2 cause such distance between us. Then, I become distant trying 2 protect myself from further hurt.

I want very much 2 maintain the vow I made 4life, but this just keeps getting harder.

I wonder if all men are defensive, when caught with this, when their wives vocalize objections? He says it means nothing 2 him, and he does not visualize the porn images when we are intimate. I don't know how a man's mind works, but I don't know if I believe what he says or not. If this were me, I know I'd see the images in my mind's eye. Since our marriage is having so many difficulties, my mind often reaches for something 2 "fuel the fire". Many times, I utilize memories of better times between us. Yet I know my mind would access the memory of the videos 2 do it as well, if I fed those kinds of things 2 my memory banks. Women aren't totally un-visual. Just because we are more emotional, doesn't mean visual doesn't work. Emotions work better, that's all.

I don't really know how "hooked" he is on it at this point. I am on pins and needles waiting to see if another tape comes into the house.

Since I found tape #1, our relationship has taken a serious turn for the worse. It just keeps getting worse as time goes by. I'm wondering is there a way 2 "throw a stick in the spokes" 2 ensure he's not tempted 2 bring another tape here? Or is it just a matter of time? Also, is he turning to another form of porn since I've shut this one down?

By setting this boundary as I have, I have 2 wonder if I have caused more harm 2 the relationship than good. I'm so full of all kinds of self-doubt now.

My wifes self estiem was destroyed... She still has problems with that. She doen't need to, but does. That's the most regretful part. Men (some) are encouraged by others toward this. The fact of a "loaner" tape etc. I hope and pray that he stops when he knows what he has done to you. Please, don't continue to re-hash this to him. You laid the ground rules down, let him prove (or disprove) what he is made of. Then you will see.

this is my first time so bear with me please. I am going through something similar as kysarah. I have been married 5 years and once AGAIN found porn on the internet. This isn't the first time and it isn't the second time. Both previous times I caught him after months or years of him partaking. I once again confronted him about 2 weeks ago after coming home with our two year old daughter to find the link to porn sites up on our computer. (He had apparently not been as careful as usual and had forgot to delete everything, that and he knows that I am extremely computer illiterate). Right now it is a matter of trust, honesty, respect and betrayal (the last one is his word to describe his actions not mine) I do not know how to get the trust back. Like kysarah I have made myself available. However I am due to deliver our next child in less than 2 weeks. So every emotion I could possibly feel regarding porn and self- esteem is greatly heightened. I feel so worthless that I told him divorce was definitely an option I was considering. This got him to talk to me a bit, and I suppose we are moving in the right direction but I feels like he has so far to go that I don't know if it is worth the trouble for him or for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Kysarah your husband does need counseling. It not your fault and it's probably not his fault. I would suggest going to www.newlife.com and ordering the book Every Mans Battle and asking him to read it. New life Clinic does counseling session across the country for porn addiction, sex addicts, ect.
New Life also does a daily radio show for people to call in for help. You can probably find a radio station in your area at the web site. You might want to call and see what they have to say.
If he really wants to stop he'll need couonseling.
Sometimes it's just a pasting interest, but it sounds like your situation is more than passsing.
If you don't take a stand and put down boundaries
for your relationship it will just get worse. Sounds like you've been there before, and I suspect you do not want to go back.
Good Luck!

<small>[ September 05, 2002, 07:24 PM: Message edited by: timhh ]</small>