If you could author the perfect situation, what would be the most effective way your wife could get you to open up and communicate more with her?

What are the worst stumbling blocks between you and your wife that keeps "distance" there, and blocks or hinders communication?

I am trying to come up with a way to get my husband to talk with me more. We work different shifts, and he stays home in the day with our kids and sleeps when I get home in the evenings. Communication has really suffered with this schedule. I've tried everything I know over the past 3 years. It just keeps getting worse. He just won't talk, about ANYTHING but the plans he has to go to a game or do something with the guys, and that is usually at the last possible minute. I've cancelled 3 dates I've been planning due to his prior plans with the boys that I wasn't aware of until the last minute.

I'm beginning to suspect an affair, but thought I would get help from some male points of view. I really love him and want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Thinking maybe my approach is off and I've used the wrong angles up to this point. Thought I'd ask for help with it.

THANKS A MILLION!

My advice is to ask him first - Then hush and listen. He may not talk long at first. However, if he can without ridicule and interuption you maybe going down the right road. Just my thoughts and what I would like. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I've had the opposite problem over the past 18years with my wife. I'm the talker she is not.
I tried two times over the 18 years to talk to her when things got too much, but she would always start crying and thinking it was the end of the relationship. There were several issues from her past that we had never addressed and last year is finally was more than I could handle.
I sat her down to talk. The forst thing I did was tell her how much I loved her and I never wanted to be without her by my side, but we had issues we needed to discuss. If we did not take the time to communicate we were not going to be to gether in six months. She was very upset, but gradually began to talk. We went through six of the roughest months of our lives. In the end we came out more together and in love than ever before.
We found out what real intimacy was and it doesn't start with sex. You need to explain to your husband that without communication there is no relationship. He needs to decide what he wants and how much time and effort it's worth to him.
It can be very lonesome for someone that has no one to talk to. I was married for 18 years, but I loned for someone to talk to. Now I have that.

I am the non-talker in my marriage, mildly typed as INTP (but I straddle the N/S type), my wife is rather strongly ESFJ. I would talk about things but when I do, it causes conflict, in part because the words mean different things to her and also because she seeks hidden meanings (feelings, to be more precise) in my words, but I tend to be rather precise or scientific and I don't think there's much that is hidden. Consequently, she reacts to things that I have not said and I find myself explaining things I have not said, rather than explaining things I *have* said, and that is not very fruitful for either of us. It takes much explanation to describe a thing if it has nuances and shades (most things do), and that takes more listening than a "J" type is willing to listen to. Short descriptions tend to be too black and white, misconstrued, and long explanations provoke impatience.

As far as knowing each others schedule it is difficult when you both work different shifts. What I have found that works good in our household, is a calender in the kitchen that we write dates and appointments on. This way, we know what each other has going on and we can plan accordingly. This works pretty good for us. At least you could avoid canceling your appointments and elliminate one of the issues.

If you could author the perfect situation, what would be the most effective way your wife could get you to open up and communicate more with her?

Your questions inspired me to think in a new perspective. I can't think of a perfect situation but would want many of the following elements, all of which I believe would help me open up:

Peaceful setting
Feeling of privacy
During large block of free time
Close enough to touch
somewhat structured

I can imagine my wife and I out for a walk at the coastal park near my home. 1/4 mile away we see a empty bench over looking the bay. She holds my hand, looks me in the eyes and asks me, "I would really like to talk to you about your feelings on subject X, when we get to that bench can we sit down and talk for few minutes." This would show me that it is important to her and that she leaves it optional for me to share. If I say yes it is becasue I feel free to say no and also because I see she wants to ask about a specific subject. A few minutes might turn into longer because she is using empathic listening.

Regarding your stumbling block question, I get frustrated when I'm interupted with an explanation or judgement about what I'm saying. We can quickly move from problem solving to argument if we don't let the other know that we understand what they are saying from their perspective. Other blocks might be, lack of respect messages during communication.

I should add that enabler of communication is to speak hypothetically, about a friend of yours who is experiencing a situation -- men often like to solve problems, especially Other People's Problems. In fact, the Bible has a story (Book of Esther) about just such strategies, several of them. You may know the story of Sheherezade and the 1001 Nights, another clever strategy. Know that some people are just not talkers and some are -- extraverts talk, introverts seldom do. If your talking is to "connect" and your husbands talking is to exchange information, you have a problem (and so does he; you won't connect and he won't get information). Men, traditionally the hunter/protector, have well developed input senses (looking, listening) and women traditionally make enough noise so their children can locate mother. We aren't all that traditional in my home but very often I am still looking and listening and sometimes consider the endless desire for talk to be intrusive. However, all that said and done, we do talk sometimes but some taboo areas exist because they provoke arguments and I have a very strong aversion to contention, conflict and argument (leading to yelling and violence) in the home. So, if the conversation drifts over to a taboo area, I'll keep listening but I am not going to fan the flames of discord by contributing my own differing opinions on those matters. I think these differences can be *accomodated* but I don't think you'll ever turn a silent man into a chatty companion. I encourage my wife to spend time with her chatty friends; that is a need they can meet better than I, and I help make it happen by taking care of the household and kids from time to time so she can meet some of her needs.