My wife and I have been going through tough times lately. The love and affection has fizzled to nothing. I am guilty of most of the problems in the relationship that got us to this point. Now I find myself trying so hard to make up for the past that I keep making more mistakes and withdrawals from the Love Bank. At this point I am so overdrawn it would take a huge loan from Uncle Sam to get me back in the positive. My wife has pretty much given up. We are still "together" but far from happy. At this point the only reason one of us hasn't packed up and left is because we need each other for the caring of our kids. She works nights on the weekend and I work days during the week. Which has a lot to do with the problems. We also have two very active kids. We never see each other and when we do we have to tend to the kids needs or the needs of the household. We do not take the time or make the time to be together. Things are so bad that my wife has lost interest. In a recent survey of hers she didn't even rate me on the list of priorities but what did make it are kids, work, sleep and eat.

My wife is great and when we were in our prime things were great. She is very loving and attentive - no one could ask for anyone better.

I have never done anything terrible in the marriage like infidelity, physical abuse, drugs, alcohol, problems with the law, etc. However as mentioned earlier I am guilty of several of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts writings. We have simply grown apart.

My wife and I do not talk about us. For her it is just easier than dealing with it. We are always fighting and she is very short with me when we do talk. In her mind these days I can do no right and she has completely given up and is uninterested. Me on the other hand am determined to do what it takes to make her and I happy. I hope and pray that involves staying together and building a long and happy life together but I do not know what to do next.

I have seen a counsellor in the past but it was more on my parenting. My wife only new after the fact and we have never talked about it. She is seeing a cousellor right now but I only know of this by accident. She has not told me. So for me this is encouraging. However, I want to talk to her and request her and I to seek counselling together to try and work things out. This web-site and forum has helped me immensely but I feel that I cannot improve without her. I know that if we started comunicating, spending time together and making love bank deposits like we used to that our lives would be much happier - obviously - duh.

Any advice on what to do and how to approach my wife who is basically unapproachable at this point. Interstingly enough we do have a 3 day trip together and alone planned in a couple of weeks. She is accompanying me on a business trip - no kids and to my surprise she has not cancelled - yet. I keep waiting for the word that she can't make it. But I am working under the premise that she is coming and plan to make the most out of this trip and hopefully ask for that loan from Uncle Sam.

Any advice is very much appreciated.

Thanks for listening.
As always not-ready-to-give-up

My first post above was my first post on this board and I am not sure why it didn't get any replies.

I am making some progress with my W now but we still have not talked about us. I terribly want to talk to her but I am refraining because I think she needs more time. Do I wait for her to come to me or do I pursue communication with her? I am really working hard at not LBing but I can't meet her emotional needs until she opens up to me - or can I? I have written her several letters and left them for her with gift cards, roses, etc. but I desperately want to talk to her.

Any advice?

As always not-ready-to-give-up.

From the sound of things there is still a lot of hope - but time is running out - you must be decisive and win her heart back - focus on her needs what does she crave? Attention, affection, conversation, good loving, etc - you must take advantage of this trip alone with w and focus on your "us" relationship - I made too many trips alone and left my w alone until eventually my lack of attention, lack of time with her, etc drove her into the arms of another man - we have been working hard for the last 8-9 days and we are not out of the woods but the love bank is overflowing again - how? and made a life choice to re-establish my priorities - and put her back where she was 30 years ago - the center of my universe - she is responding - this is high stakes poker your playing - play for keeps!
Good luck - were rooting for you!

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I plan to take full advantage of this time together. Right now conversation is key but I am not sure how far I should go beyond that. I have a few surprises planned for her during our trip while I am busy with work - things that she likes to do. However, I don't want to seem like I am trying to hard or "kissing up". I want her to realize that this is genuine and me trying to meet her emotional needs with no alterior motives.

I guess I still need some ideas on what I should do and shouldn't do beyond just trying to communicate with her and spend as much time with her as possible. I really don't want to make any mistakes that could set us way back.

In the past I have not been big on surprises or overly romantic but really want to give her a lot of attention without overdoing it. Any advice on what a woman would like under these circumstances?

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I plan to take full advantage of this time together. Right now conversation is key but I am not sure how far I should go beyond that. I have a few surprises planned for her during our trip while I am busy with work - things that she likes to do. However, I don't want to seem like I am trying to hard or "kissing up". I want her to realize that this is genuine and me trying to meet her emotional needs with no alterior motives.

I guess I still need some ideas on what I should do and shouldn't do beyond just trying to communicate with her and spend as much time with her as possible. I really don't want to make any mistakes that could set us way back.

In the past I have not been big on surprises or overly romantic but really want to give her a lot of attention without overdoing it. Any advice on what a woman would like under these circumstances?

Every woman is different. Is there something that she used to always complain about (such as getting the garbage disposal fixed, doing the dishes, taking care of the laundry, etc.)? That would be the best thing to do, especially if you don't make a big production out of doing it, but just do it.

When my bf and I got to the point that we grew apart (he was always traveling on business and I worked full-time and went to school full-time) the best thing he could have done for me to show he cared was take care of the house (domestic support). Coming home to a clean house and a cooked dinner on the table would have done wonders to put me in a good mood.

If she's distance, doing something overly romatic or sexual may cause her to put more distance between the two of you. Another idea would be to have a "date", like go to a jazz concert, or go out and play pool. Just make sure it's something you know she enjoys without feeling she's expected to be lovey-dovey or sexual. Or if she's always complaining about not getting affection, perhaps a nice long back massage and a few kisses, or holding hands while walking around the neighborhood. You have to make the call.

Cards are really nice, (for me especially funny ones), and flowers, but really it would be him showing extra thought and care such as remembering a book I mentioned and picking it up for me, or remembering my favorite bath & body lotion and noticing I'm running low and getting some more. Notice it's nothing complicated or expensive, just something that says he notices me and wants me to be happy.

Good luck!

April

Thank you all for your help. We went on our trip this week and the first couple days were nice but still some tension. Then on the third night I beleive a miracle happened. My W showed me her first sign of affection in months. We spent a very nice evening out to dinner with friends and then spent some nice time alone. We stayed up all night talking and trying to understand each other. We used to do this all the time. We made a committment to each other to communicate more and re-committ ourselves to each other, our marriage and building the beautiful family that we once had. We are going to seek counselling to continue on with our communication problems and spend more time with each other.
We have already started. She called in sick for this weekend and we spent a very nice evening with the kids last night - went to dinner, came home and played monopoly, had a pillow fight, there were so many smiles and laughs in our house last night it was absolutely wonderful. It even makes the kids much happier they could sense the rejuvenation in the air.

I believe that the courage and guidance I received from this forum and from the MB site has played a huge role in this. I never would have seen the light of day and in these past months would have certainly given up without all of your help.

Now we are far from out of the woods. We still need to follow through with the committments and communication but we are well on our way.

Thank you all.
not-ready-to-give-up