Hello,
I am new to this Board but, after reading some of the other posts here, I really felt the need to get this out. I believe my husband is a habitual liar. I mean he would lie even if the truth were better. I have actually caught him in a few and he said it was because I was so suspiscious, that I would blow it out of proportion so thats why he lied. Balony! The problem I am dealing with right now is I have a very strong suspicion that he is cheating on me. The problem is, I have no real proof, just what would be considered circumstantial evidence. And in the past, with other boyfriends I always knew, when they were lying or cheating, and my gut feeling was right every time. Well, it's easier to leave boyfriends, but now I'm married and I'm also a Christian, so I feel I need real concrete proof, and he never admits to his lies, he just turns it around on me and tells me I'm crazy, and that I just think that because of my past history with cheaters, and I bought into that for a while, but, no more, I know what I know, and my gut instinct has never failed me before. How do I get proof, short of hiring a private investigator which I can't afford? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Carly

Welcome, Carlybb.

First, remember YOU are NOT crazy. Habitual liars have a pathological problem and can sometimes nearly convince you that you have the problem. (I have a 15 year old who isn't a liar but is a master at this type of manipulation from time to time!)

Yes, you are a Christian so ask God to reveal to you if there is cause for real concern. It sounds like you have confronted your husband to no avail.

Is there any chance he would agree to go to M counselling with you? I think it would be a good idea for you to go on your own (the abbreviation for that is IC--Independent Counselling--sorry, as you have gathered by now, we are infamous for short forms!)

No doubt there are some here with experience in this very area and they will post soon.

All the best to you. I guess it sounds cliche but for now all you can do is take it one day at a time.

Hi Freshstart,
Thanks for your reply. To answer your questions, we did try counseling with our pastor, but he lied to him, and so it was unproductive. And, yes, I am starting counseling on my own this week. I have alot of trust problems, so it wasn't easy to make this decision, but I know that I need to take care of myself, and I have finally hit my bottom with trying to deal with this on my own. I have asked God to reveal to me what needs to be revealed, and I believe that He is telling me to trust my gut on this one. This recent problem is only one in a series of lies about his whereabouts, and I was afraid to trust my gut instinct before, because he had me believing that this was my problem, because of my past, but, I now know that all those things he tried to explain away, were really lies, and I wanted to believe them at the time, because, I suffer from clinical depression, and general anxiety disorder, which I just started taking antidepressents for, and haven't been able to work, for the whole time we've been together, so I'm financially dependent on him, but, I'm ready to get out there and work, I mean as scary as that is to me, it has to be better than what I'm living in right now.
OK well, I've taken enough of your time, but thanks again for your reply.

Carly

Wow, I know what you're going through. My husband is a habitual liar and did have an affair. I went through exactly what you are going through now. Trust your gut, its never let you down. My husband has an attachment disorder, that's where the lying comes in, not to mention other issues we are working through. You may need concrete proof to make you feel better about confrontations, to just "know". I suggest a computer keylogger that records every stroke on the computer (Radio Shack has these). Follow him. I wish I'd done that and maybe the affair wouldn't have gone on as long as it did. I suspect there were more than one affair in my marriage, but he denies. He has doesn't trust me with his emotions so he buries them, feels insecure, then some woman comes along giving him attention, he feels good, then you know the rest. He is working with counselor to get through this. We have recently been released from marriage counseling (one year's worth). I believe my husband is changing, but as with an alcoholic, he may have slip ups with the lying. That's the hardest to deal with. Trust that you know when something is wrong-- YOU DO! Keep me posted on your situation. I'll pray for you. I KNOW exactly the hell you are going through. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hey Girl,
Just wanted 2 say that i am actually living your life right now, but the only thing that makes my situation a little worst, is that my husband is not only mentally but physically abusive. I mean he lies about EVERYTHING!!!!! and its soooooo annoying, im mean 2 the rediculous point. He lies on and about any ans everything. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

And as far as making u belive that "YOUR CRAZY" been there and done that one 2, he tell me that i need help and should see someone about "THIS PROBLEM THAT I HAVE" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

About 2 1/2 months ago,I found out that he had been sleeping w/ some woman since almost the day that we got married (which i belive hes still in volved with) and just YESTERDAY i found out that hes been sleeping around with a 20 yr old, 4 two months w/ no protection, and that he has been dealing w/ him off and on 4 about 2yrs and some change... i mean could u imagine???????????
So i definitely sympathize w/ your situation, and girl GOOD LUCK cause your gonna need it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

P.S. if you have yahoo, stop by and chat with me, my screen name: kytedreamztoo (yahoo)or, kytedreamz2 (aol instant mesg.) maybe we can help each other? 2 heads r alwayz better than 1 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank You Laura1 and Kytedreams for your replies.
Just hearing what you have to say has restored some of my sanity in this situation, and I am so grateful for that. It has also given me validation that my gut intincts are right and that I can trust them. Those are 2 things I really needed right now. My husband left yesterday and said he'd be back late tonite, but I told him I didn't care if he ever came back, and he also noticed that i took off my wedding rings, and threatend to do the same, but I said why bother it never stopped you before. I am at the point know where I know this marriage is over. I can't take the lies and deception anymore and it has caused me so emotional strain, which I believe has kept me from living my life, which I am ready to get on with now.
Anyways, I just wanted to say thanks for your support. And kytedreams I only have msn messenger, but could get yahoo if that is all you have. Let me know

Carly

Carly, hi again. Just want to assure you never to feel like you are taking too much of anyone's time here. We have all been at a point where we sometimes need(ed) to be here for hours. That's why we are here and you are welcome here.

It sounds like you ladies are making the hard but right decisions.

Kytedreamz, it seems like there have been a lot more women on here of late. You do NOT need to tolerate it or be at risk. Literally, "better safe than sorry." Please be careful.

My heart goes out to you all. I don't really have answers but hope it helps to know you have tons of friends and support here.

<small>[ October 13, 2002, 08:22 PM: Message edited by: KYTEDREAMZ ]</small>

HI ALL,
CARRLY THX 4 EVERYTHING AND I WOULD BE SO APRECIATIVE IF U WERE 2 GET YAHOO...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FERSHSTART; THX 4 THE SUPPORT IT REALLY DOES MEAN ALOT 2 KNOW U HAVE PEOPLE BEHIND U, CAUSE RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO ONE <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
PLEASE KEEP IN TOUCH.....THANKZ

How do you get proof? Let it fall right into your lap. More than likely, that's the way it will happen. My mother always said, though, "if you go looking for something, you will find it". Just don't be surprised if you stumble across something. I've found suspicious numbers on a couple of occasions, confronted him about it, and of course, he lied. I know for a fact on one occasion he lied, because he told me the truth later, after I hounded him about it. If somethings going on, he will slip up eventually. Don't stress yourself, or try not to. He will drive you insane if you let him. Believe me, I know. I've been on anti-depressants.

I am in the same sitution you have stated and that is a shame that my story is longer and you are able to curtail it better than me. But I want you to read my post that is on this forum and tell me what you think about it.