I have an appt with Steve Harley the week after next, and I have the book Surviving an Affair. My H and I are trying to figure out when to have him move back in. Here's the thing; we can't figure out what to do first. Keep in mind, he hasn't admitted to any affairs. So, I've made it clear that any inappropriate involvement with other women has got to end, but there's no OW to separate him from. <P>We've looked over the agreement for marital recovery in the back of the book, but I'm afraid to wait until we've agreed to everything in that before he moves back. I'm thinking maybe we need to agree to the Policy of Joint Agreement first, and then work on the issues of protection, caring, etc...<BR>Any suggestions?<P>My H thinks we need to write up what our goals are and then compare them to see if we're compatible. I'm going to avoid this because I think it is a mistake.<P>Lizbeth

Hi Lizbeth,<P>Since you have an appt. with Steve Harley, you must think that the Harleys' methods are worth something. I know that they work myself, but that was only figured out after we tried them.<P>The first thing I did was to copy off all of the information on the web site into word processing documents which were then filed by sequence number into different folders on our computer. For example, in the folder I called Marriage Builders folder, I put folders called 1 Love Bank & Basic Concepts which contain all of the love bank and basic concepts information, 2 Emotional Needs which contains all of the emotional needs and emotional needs questionaire, etc.). I put them in sequence as to how they appeared and directly related to each other on the web site.<P>We used this information first. We started with the Policy of Joint Agreement and went to Emotional Needs. Then I looked for His Needs, Her Needs at our local bookstores and library. I found it at our library but not at the bookstores. We have been reading from it since.<P>Then I found Love Busters at another bookstore and bought it. We have read parts of it so far and still need to do our Love Buster questionaire. We also decided to buy His Needs, Her Needs and Five Steps to Romantic Love to have our own working copies. I felt that it would be good to have the workbook - Five Steps to Romantic Love - to have the other questionaires and all for Harley's system.<P>Reading things together is definitely more helpful than doing it separately, but if each partner is commited to making the marriage work it can be done that way too as long as there is honest communication. I have found that honest communication has been difficult with my husband not because he wants to lie to me but because he is/was afraid to be open and honest. Slowly uncovering past lies has been helpful for me to start back my feelings of trust of him and good for him because he realizes that there has been nothing to fear.<P>I hope that what I have written here helps you. If you would like to talk more directly or privately about this, please let me know in a post or you can email me at c-d@eudoramail.com<P>Hugz and prayers, Thoughtful<BR><P>------------------<BR>To save your marriage use Dr. Harley's methods at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/</A> <BR>

hey sis.<BR>well, my H is coming home this week, too.<BR>We did the emotional needs Q a month ago, and i think i'll dig it out this week or next.<BR>He has been a little deroguatory about MB, but i think he is just jealous i am always on the puter when he leaves the house and the phone is busy, and he agreed with me when i mentioned i have not pushed anything on him, just used it to vent. So, i think it would be safe if i mentioned some the resources here again. <BR>Your H has already skimmed SAA, right (the one night stand part? ugh). I think that is a good sign. Baby steps...<BR>Yeah, i would not do a common goals list with him. My H and I have decided that right now, we can let our goal be the children, and we can work from there.<BR>Anyway, just my opinion...<BR>you/we get some more advice! (good ideas, Thoughtful )<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

Thanks Thoughtful! It is time my h and I start moving into recover. I think this is going to be rather hard since he is just "content with the way things are" He will admit that they are not great, but the are workable. I do want more, and he must too or else there wouldn't have been the year long affair! Go figure this guy out!

Thanks, thoughtful, I like your approach. So you guys agreed to the POJA first, and then moved on? I'm working on both questionnaires right now for my appt with Steve. I've asked my H to do them too, but we'll see... I'm going to give copies to my H when I'm done filling them out. Are you and your H living together? I may email you with more questions sometime, thanks.<P>lWb, definitley won't be doing that goals list. Yep, he's been peeking into SAA. He even grabbed it today as he stomped out the door (one of those things that make you go hhhmmmm... ) Have you and your H agreed to the POJA?<P>Derby, all I can say is sheesh!<P>Lizbeth