The problems of my marriage stem from my dishonesty (not from affairs or abuse). As I have admitted here and to my wife, I have been dishonest with her for a long time, mainly about financial things. I am in therapy to deal with these issues and am embarking on a journey into complete and total honesty.

Here is my quandary. My therapist has told me that exaggeration, generalization and omission are all the same as lies. However, I am also being told to "take it like a man" and not react to my wife's anger (since that anger is a direct and natural response to my failings). I am doing quite well with the "take it like a man" part and the not telling lies part. But part of the "taking it like a man" is not telling her how I feel about her pointed anger and yelling. If I withhold these things, am I not just committing a lie of omission. If I tell how I feel, am I failing to "take it like a man?" At what point do I step away from the radical honesty.

There has to be some middle ground. There has to be some circumstances where the radical honesty needs to take a back seat to letting her vent her anger without telling her how I honestly feel.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

T

Hello Trying,

You may want to repost on the 'Emotional Needs' board as it tends to have more traffic.

However, I think you are right to notice the discrepancy in your therapist's advice. Have you asked him to explain how you keeping your feelings to yourself is not a lie through omission?

Personally, I think you need to listen to your wife. Then after repeat back the essence of what she is saying (the feelings portion). For example "I understand that you are feeling hurt and angry because of xyz. It pains me to see you this way. I am currently trying to improve by doing 123. Is there something else I can do to ease your fears?"

After a while you will need to let your wife know that it hurts you enough to know you caused her such pain, however, the angry outbursts are causing you to feel defensive and angry yourself. Perhaps the two of you should work on a more positive approach to communication. I would recommend reading "Difficult Conversations".

You should also read the Emotional Needs and Love Busters information on this site and perhaps share them with your wife. I believe there is also a book called 'His Needs, Her Needs' and another called 'Love Busters' that you might find beneficial.

Good luck.

April