Hi. I recently began posting, but by mistake (as a new user), I was posting to an Infidelity forum (and I am convinced that is not my husband's problem). I think this is where I should be!

Anyway, my husband told me 7 months ago that he isn't happy with me anymore. In mid-September he said that things haven't gotten better, so he is filing for separation. Just so that you know our history...we will have been married for 9 years in a few months and we've been together for over 14 years. We got married young (24) and now have two beautiful small chlidren (3 and 1). Now keep in mind that my husband and I don't see eachother much. He works in a different city from where we live and travels A LOT! We moved abroad 1 year and a half ago and when we first got here I was terribly sad and upset all the time (something that he's told me didn't help the situation). My life took huge turn. I turned down the job I was offered and became a stay-at-home mom.

My husband took the stance that this was his problem (he was the one no longer "in love" with me) and that he had to figure things out on his own. So, he took a 6 week business trip and saw me and the kids one afternoon after we hadn't seen him for 4 weeks. He believes that "distance should make the heart grow fonder" and he says that it hasn't for him. I think it's more "out of site, out of mind". Whatever the case may be, I feel very alone and scared. I love my husband to death. And I know I've withdrawn love units from the things he's told me, but I know I can fix that if he would give me the chance. I asked him for a second chance, but he won't give it to me. He says that he's tired and feels empty inside. He has hurt me more than anyone in my life, but I love him more every day. He refuses to see a counselor because he says that love can't be taught. I asked him to look at the Marriage Buuilders website back in May and he said that he thought it was a brainwashing session. What can I do? I know he loved me once before and I honestly thought I had him wrapped around my finger. I think that's part of the problem. I never thought I had to work at my marriage because I thought it would take care of itself. My mistake! I see that now.

So tell me...is it too late for us? I still have hope. He tells me not to and that I should move on. But he still calls me and asks me out to lunch...what does that mean? Granted, he may call to see how the kids are doing, but even when he comes on Sundays to see them (yes, he's almost completely moved out of the house), he spends as much time alone with me as he does with them! He says that he wants to be my friend. But, I tell him how can I be friends with someone that was once (and continues for now to be) my husband? Can I really take a step back like that?

I tell him that I think he's very confused. He doesn't think he is. Am I foolish to still have hope? My family (parents and siblings) think I'm wasting my time and that he'll never come back. PLEASE HELP US!!!

ILOVEHIMSO

When I read you post it really hit home with me. My husband of almost 8 years and I have been with him for 11 years he came home about 3 months ago telling me he wasn't happy and next thing I know he was gone and out of the door. I couldn't believe it! I trusted my husband sooo much! Everyone kept asking me if there was someone else in the picture and I said no absolutely not. I even asked him several times and was convinced that no way was there anyone else. But then this past Sunday it was all brought out into the light. I believe that what is done in the dark God will bring out into the light. And it was brought out about 2 1/2 months after he left. He had been cheating on me for almost 3 years. I couldn't believe it what deception. I told him that he was really good because none of my female intuition came on if it did when I asked him I was convinced otherwise. I am not saying that is the case with you but it sure sounds like a similiar story like mine. My husband didn't want to work on our marriage he wanted a quick divorce and he kept saying he wasn't in love with me! I always told him if he ever cheated on me then he can be prepared to be divorce because that is something I will not put up with. Boy do I see that the Lord will make you eat your words. He went to see a pastor for counseling and now the pastor is going to counsel us. I think now that it is all out in the open now my husband wants to work on the marriage. I think he was very afraid to tell me because of the past threats I had made to him if he ever did cheat. I am believing God to restore my marriage and my family. We have 2 children (13 years and 6 years). I hope that your case isn't like mine but all I know is I didn't believe it until it all came out! I know that God will restore this marriage and I will pray that God will bring restoration to your marriage.

Thanks so much for your reply, kcorbitt. What do you think I should do in terms or continuing my relationship with my still husband? I mean, should I be friendly with him and hope to gain love units (but if I do that I'm afraid that he may think, "wow we get along better as friends...this is better than being married to her). Or should I shut him out of my life as much as possible and hope that he learns to see what he's missing? I'm so confused! I need (I mean we need) help...I just wish he'd agree.

I still really don't believe that he's having an affair. Although from what lots of people post on this site, they didn't think so either. But all I have to go on is his word and my gut. feeling.

Can you offer me any other advice?

Well, Ilovehimso I can only tell you what I had done. Through prayer and counsel with my pastor I decided to only let him see the kids every other weekend. And boy was that hard for him. He is really close to both of them and that was hard. He needed to see what his decision was going to feel like if he followed through with the divorce. That lasted maybe a month and he started changing his tune. He then wanted to try and work on the marriage but that was only because of the children. I would try to talk to him or be intimate with him and he would say no he didn't want to because he wasn't ready. Then like I said all this came out last Sunday. I don't know if that is the right tactic for you but it seemed to work for me. I don't know if you are a christian but I would encourage you to pray and ask God to give you wisdom on the whole thing and how He would have you to be. I am sorry if this isn't much help. Every situation is so unique.