I'm engaged, and I lied to my fiancee and she found out. She dosen't want to marry me anymore. It was a stupid lie that meant nothing and had I told her the truth in the begening I wouldn't be in this mess but I F'd up and I know it. She says she can't trust me, I want to work things out, she dosen't think I care, but I do with all my heart. Im' sick to my stomach right now with the thought she's gonna leave me. can anybody give me some advice?

I don't know what you lied about, but I know that to me, lying is a big trust-buster. And, I know I am far from alone in that.

Right now, she doesn't know whether to believe anything you say, including that you will be honest in the future...so it is hard to get your credibility back.

Have you read The Policy of Radical Honesty article? I'd suggest you read it, and maybe use it as a way to re-open the topic with her. If you can honestly say that you have learned something about how important honesty is in a relationship, and can agree to follow the radical honesty policy, maybe she will be willing to give you the chance.

Wow BobO~~I will pray for your situation. You may not want to hear my input on this, but...when my husband and I 1st starting dating....it wasn't far into the relationship that he lied to me about something stupid--but he KNEW my stand on lying (unfortunately I had been involved w/a pathological liar previously)--and I couldn't believe w/him having known this that he would lie....so, not having much invested @ the time I was ready to say forget it....well, I gave him another shot...a year later we got married...but, I never forgot that. Every time something remotely "fishy" or "?'able" came up, that was always in the back of my mind. So, I'm sorry to say that even the people that swear they can forgive and forget---well, they can't. I will stand effectually and fervently in prayer w/you concerning this matter for I know that they availeth much! God Bless You and keep us posted! Min

I lied to my fiancee and she found out

.... are you sorry you lied, or are you sorry she found out?

She doesn't want to marry me any more

... she has the right to determine if you are the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

It was a stupid lie that meant nothing

... so, if you are willing to lie about something so stupid and insignificant, you are MORE likely to lie about something bigger. Do you realize that?

She says she can't trust me

...because you showed her untrustworthy behavior. She did not just dream this up. You revealed your character, and she took notice.

I want to work things out

...I would be more impressed if you had said, "I want to work on my character and improve myself to become a better man"

She doesn't think I care, but I do with all my heart

...No, you're not paying attention to what she finds important. She doesn't think you care about being completely honest in a relationship ... and, she is correct. You care about keeping her as your companion, but not about YOUR becoming a totally truthful and honest man.

I'm sick to my stomach right now with the thought she's gonna leave me

...I wish you had said this: "I'm sick to my stomach right now that I lie so easily to someone I care so deeply about."

Can anybody give me some advice?

Make THIS your quest .... to improve your integrity.

Tell her you are learning to recognize that by lying to HER, you cheated yourself, demeaned your word of honor as a man.

Tell her you are going to seek counseling to learn why you were willing to sacrifice your integrity so cheaply.

THEN .... DO IT ..... seek counseling and learn more about the self-respect and honor you will grow into as you trust yourself to reveal the truth in all situations.

See this "mistake" as a gift. Learning from our mistakes is the way to living a rewarding and good life.

Learn from this.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ November 17, 2002, 12:39 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>