My W has told me that she is emotionally divorced from me and that she is at a road block and does not know what to do next. We have been having problems the last couple of years with our M. Married 7 years - together 12. Two daughters 5 and 13 and 13 year old is from a previous relationship of hers when she was very young. I have been the sole father figure in her life since about 1 years old. I treat her like she is biologically mine and not a step child and truly believe that she is mine.

We have been through a lot over the last 12 years such as a long distance relationship for 2 years that barely survuved but did. We live 1800 miles from family on both sides and have for past 8 years. We recently moved to a new city 2 hours from the previous city we lived for 6 years and left good friends behind.

I have never been a very good communicator with her especially about the problems. We communicate well when things are good. Most of the problems stem from the fact that we don't get to see each other that often due to schedules. She works weekends/nights and I work M-F 8-5. We do this for the kids since we don't have much access to child care and refuse to have a day care raising them. This is another problem in that kids are always #1 priority and we never make us a priority. This has been particularly difficult recently to make or take time for us given all the problems.

I have been to a counsellor in the past but only once. I need to go back but have been trying to get my answers through books and this site to help me with my problems. My W does not have the time for that and she has been going to a counsellor for about the past 6 weeks. We are planning on going together for the first time next week.

I love my W very much. I would do anything for her. I would do anything to keep my family together. However, I am at a point where I wonder if things would be better if we were apart. We have been unhappy for so long that maybe we would be happier apart. It is affecting the kids. We try and shield them from the problems and we rarely ever argue or fight in front of them. We do spend a lot of family together and I don't want to lose that.

Is it better to be together even when emotionally apart for the kids or should we separate? When I am with my W I want to be with her in every way and not being able to have that is very hard. I am not sure if some time apart may be worth it. It has worked in the past while we were dating.

The problems in the relationship are mainly mine. I don't communciate well, I try to be a good father but it is difficult at times. I try and take care of my end of the responsibilities as far as household duties - cook, clean, kids, financial, yard, etc. I feel like my wife expects so much from me and finds fault with everything "bad" that I do. I have never had an A, I don't abuse my kids (even though sometimes I want to - that was a joke - I could never) or W and wake up each morning with my family as my #1 priority. I do a lot of stuff for my W but it never seems to be enough. This has been especially true this past year, I have been trying hard to make things right but the harder I try, the more distant my W becomes and at the same time the more she expects and the less she appreciates. She feels the problems in our M are all mine which they may well be. I don't feel that I am completely to blame but I have caused most of the problems. She feels like she needs to give me step-by-step instructions to get things done or if she doesn't get mad at me to do something then it won't get done. This is true for some things but she does not take into account all the other things that I do without her guidance or instructions. These are completely ignored. She at times feels like I treat our youngest daughter different since she is biologically mine. If I do I don't mean to. My youngest daughter and I are very close. My W and our oldest daughter are very close. Our oldest daughter and I have a pretty good relationship but there can be tension. She is a very good kid and I do expect a lot from her. I can be hard on her but I would like to think that I would treat her this way even if she was biologically mine.

My W is always bringing up the past and cannot forgive me for anything. I get sick of fighting about the past and apologizing for the same things time and time again. I would like to think that I am a good and better than average father and a good and better than average husband. I do try hard but sometimes that is not good enough. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I have noticed a trend and that is when things are good she is the giver and I am the taker but when things are bad I am the giver and she is the taker. There is never a time when we both are giving and I am to the point that I can stop giving since things are bad. Can a relationship survive if both partners are taking and neither are giving?

I hope I am making sense. I am so confused. I really want things to work out but I am losing hope that I cannot satisfy or be what she wants. I am not really sure at this point what that is. I am also losing hope that she has given up and not willing to work on us anymore.

Any advice please. Thank you in advance.

Gosh, I have been looking at your post for a while. I don't know what to say. What made you fall in love in the first place? Maybe you should try courting her. Maybe you should bite the bullet, eat a little humble pie... Give her something nice... Take her out... get to know her. It sounds like you two are living seperate lives. If you love her, work on it... I don't know what else to say. But, if you read about one spouse working on a marriage it can be done. Maybe read those articles. Good luck---

Givenuphope, please don't give up hope.

I have to agree with Davence--it's time that is distancing you and your W emotionally--sure there are other issues but it sounds like a weekend off together (or whenever you can both get time off work) is in order. Do you have a friend/relative you can trust to care for your children?

Just Learning, are you here? Just Learning is an awesome mentor and I think he could do a lot to help you.

Given, you are seeing some of your part of the problem...dig a little deeper and see if you can put some answers together for your relationship.

I don't think it's too late. At least, your W has admitted the emotional distance--let's hope she, too wants that to change.

All the best to you both.

Davence and fresh start,
Thanks for responding. I am truly working on my issues and at the same time taking a big bite of humble pie. We do have our good times but it seems that with the tension and stress that they are easily overshadowed by the hustle and bustle.

My plan is to work hard at making everyone in my house number 1 priority. This means figging deep.

My biggest problem is staying focused. I have a busy and stressful job that I try very hard to leave at the office. However, when I get home I have just enough left to get dinner on the table, kids to and from extracurricular activites, ready for the next day and then I am out. My W is busy with work, school, and coming as I am going. To those of you with successful and happy marriages but still leading busy lives, how do you make time for each other when there is no time left? It is like trying to suck water from a rock. We just spent a wonderful three days out of town and it was great but short lived. Once we came home and back into the hustle and bustle, things went back to normal (or abnormal).

How do you balance everything and continue meeting the emotional needs?

NOT givenuphope.

Just Learning, we need your wisdom for NOT Givenuphope. (Way to go, NOT given! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

I guess I'm lucky because although our lives are incredibly busy, H is a pastor and has some flexibility with his schedule.

But I bet you could get creative--I'm thinking not so much of time but little surprises to make your W think of you--a note in her lunch or some little special treat when she comes home. Is there any chance of meeting her on her breaks for a quick coffee together?

I'm really interested to hear everyone's ideas on how busy couples can make time for one another.

She works nights as the charge RN in a very busy ER/Trauma center. I do drive her to and from work so she does not have to leave so early and walk very far from the staff parking lot. We usually hit Startbucks on the way. She may not get a break until morning. We do use that time together but unfortuantely we only live 5 minutes from her hospital so it is not much time. Most days that is all we get together.

We opened up to each other a little last night to try and figure out how we could spend more quality time together. We have come to the conslusion that in order to do that something has to go. We can't afford either of us to quit or even cut back on work. She goes to school two nights a week and I am not willing to let her to quit that. This I stand firm on. If I would let her she would quit and I am a firm believer in continuing education. If she quits she will regret it later. She is almost done which is why I continue to stand my ground. It is a flexible enough program that she can take breaks. She was off all summer and could be done as early as next October.

If something is going to go it has to be one of the kids activities and I can't ask them to do that. They both did nothing last year and were miserable. At least now they are busy and happy. Another belief is to keep the kids busy and tired, that keeps them out of trouble. They are both doing what they love, dance and swimming and a very good at it. I can't ask them to stop or even cut back.

I do call in sick the odd time to spend some time. I do work from home when possible but we always have day care issues as well.

I too am curious how others maintain the balance.

Thank you fresh start for helping.

Defenitely NOT givenuphope

NOT Givenuphope ( I just LOVE your new name! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

I'm so glad you are at least talking. It does sound like there are many obstacles and time may help resolve some things..but October is a long time, too.

As I said before, I hope others will contribute their ideas on how you could find quality time together.

Starbucks? Yum! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

We are going to our first counselling session tonight together. She has been going for a number of weeks to one counsellor. She is not sure it is helping her. I went once to a different cousellor a while ago but decided not to go back. That was about the time I found this site and decided to start with some self paced stuff like books, Basic Concepts and this forum. We are seeing the counsellor my W has been working with.

I really want to do and say the right things tonight. Any good advice. I really want to be honest but at the same time avoid LBing.

Thank you freshstart for your help.

DEFENITELY NOT givenuphope

Definitely NOT, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Sorry I missed your post tonight. My weekend is rather insane and I just saw your reply now.

How did it go with the C? It's good to try out different counselors till you find the right fit. Sometimes it takes time. I have been through a lot of therapy and noticed often when I'm just ready to give up, that's when a breakthrough hits at the next session. Don't know what it is about that.

Did the C have any ideas about ways to spend quality time together?

I might not get back here till Saturday. Still hoping some others will join this thread.

The C session was good. My W opened up and now I understand some of her issues. She feels that I don't respect her. I can see how she feels that way. I do respect her very much but don't always show that. I have a hard time with what I do/don't do or say/don't say are not well representative of what I feel or mean. The C says I need to let my W know my feelings. But I have a hard time articulating those feelings at the time and once I think about them I don't re-visit it and make sure she understands. Instead I sweep it under the rug until it builds up resentment. In hindsight I can see how this has caused a lot of problems. I guess you could say this was a break through.

Things are still good. We talked on the way home and had a challenging night with the kids. My W and I stood together and backed each other up on the issues with them. This has been another problem in the past with one of us siding with each of the kids and then the kids problems turns into a family problem. Instead this time we worked together and resolved it.

I realize that I have a lot to learn about W and women in general.

We were not able to find more time in the week but I think we will just need to make the best of the time we do have.

Freshstart - I hope you have a great weekend.

DEFENITELY NOT givenuphope! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am responding to an old post with some new questions so there is some more history to my questions.

My W and I have been having challenges as of late. We have a rollercoaster marriage. One month good and one month bad. During the good months, I can do no wrong and very attentive to her EN's. She is the same way. During the bad times, neither can do no right and no EN's are met. Neither of us have ever been unfaithful (that I know of) and I do not seriously suspect that she has - but one never knows.

We seem to do a pretty good job of communciating during our good times but I find it very hard to talk to her when we are in our bad times. She is very non-responsive. I have tried to leave her subtle hints such as flowers, cards, notes, etc. but these get no response. However, during the good times, these same gestures get all kinds of responses. During these bad times she will work more and want to spend less time with me. She will not keep her counselling sessions. Every time she strays I feel like she is not coming back. We are two weeks into a bad time. She will talk to me only when she needs to talk with me about kids, work schedule, planning day's events, etc. She will not talk to me about us, she is not ready or she can't right now.

I am at the end of my rope with this. I want to stay patient and understanding but at the same time I am ready to lose my mind. She makes it sound as if I am a terrible husband/father. Now obviously our M is not perfect and neither am I but she could certainly do a lot worse. I really don't know what is going on with her. I try and be a good father and husband. We do live two totally different lives and sometimes I wonder if she wants/needs someone different than the person I am. I want to make our M work but I am really having a difficult time staying focused on what is important.

I have a plan worked out in my mind but I do not know how to approach her with it.

I have been reading His Needs, Her Needs and purchased a 2nd copy for my wife. I left it for her attached with a note. She has not opened or acknowledged the book or the note and it has been over a week. I would like the two of us to read the book and work through some of the questionaires so we can better understand what each of us are going through and feeling right now. She does not believe that our M should be this "difficult" and is getting frustrated with having to work so hard at it.

It has been difficult for us to sit down and talk about it due to busy schedules.

My questions are this:
How can I convince her that reading the book and working through the questionaires is a good idea?
How do I cope with this rollercoaster?

We have been married for 7 years now so this is nothing new to us but it has really become bigger than we can handle over the past year. We have been seeing a counsellor for a couple of months and no real progress there either. My W has become quite frustrated with our counsellor with the lack of progress and cancelled the last couple of meetings.

I also want to plan something nice for her during Valentine's Day week (she works on the 14th) and her birthday is coming up. Do you think that is a good idea or do I wait until we resolve some issues first?

Any advice is appreciated.

freshstart I hope you are out there listening - your words of advice helped me last time.

givenuphope