We have been married 18 and a half years and this has been a problem all our married life. But now I am aware that our two boys, 15 and 10, are learning marriage relationship habits from our example and what they are learning is not good. I see this more clearly than my husband because the boys model his attitude toward me when they are displeased with something I have told them.
We come from very different backgrounds. I was raised in a Christian home by parents who gave me confidence. He was brought up in a series of broken homes with multiple stepfathers and live-in males, moves through multiple schools and he learned to covere his insecurities with humor.
My husband "Slim" has ADD, something we did not know until our eldest was diagnosed at age 8. One of the elements of ADD which I had already seen a lot of is outbursts of irrational anger. "Slim" is on medication, but these angry outbursts are habits that have been developed for more than 50 years. I do not respond in kind to his outbursts because I was not raised that way, but I know that my thoughts are easily read on my face.. no matter how hard I try to hide them.
Tonight "Slim" came home from the movie rental with the 15 year old with two movies I never would have rented. One is rated R, mostly for violence I think, the other PG-13. When he told me what he got I quietly said "Evan can't watch.." and he absolutely blew up. "Don't look at me that way! It is disrespectful and I have told you and told you not to do it!" All this played out in front of our boys. The youngest was in tears.
I decided I had to stand up and make him see what he is modeling to his sons. "Don't treat me this way if you don't want the boys treating me this way." I did not yell or raise my voice, but he continued to rant and rave over the 'look' on my face.
Until he exchanges his head for a mirror I will NEVER know how I look 'the look' he dispises. I am afraid to look him in the eye for fear of offending him. "Don't give me that deer in the headlight look, I hate that."
Five minutes later he told me he was sorry for blowing up, but he is ugly to me in front of the boys and apologises in private.
I know that I will never be a poker player. What I think is too often easy to read on my face, try though I may to hide it. Most people know without a doubt where they stand with me, and to me that is a far more admirable quality than subterfuge.
Am I wrong? What can I do to change something I cannot see or recognise before he does? Will I pay all our married life for the insecurities he has dragged with him from childhood? Will our children pay for it when they marry?
Divorce is hateful to God. I am willing to do anything to save my marriage. But this is not the kind of marriage I want to save. How can I change it?

Karo --

First, Welcome to MB -- I'm so sorry for the mess in your life that's brought you here but I'm glad you've found us.

Next, let's get you moved to a more active forum. As with most other MB'ers, I don't come in this one very much and was disturbed to see that you had posted this way back on Nov 16 and no one had yet responded. Please re-post this on General Questions II (the most active board) or Emotional Needs -- that'll get you some action.

Now, "Am I wrong?" -- No, emphatically not.

"What can I do to change something I cannot see or recognise before he does?" -- Nothing, those are his issues, not yours, even though be extension they become yours. Will he work on his isses? Who knows? Can he, should he -- yes!

"Will I pay all our married life for the insecurities he has dragged with him from childhood?" -- Unfortunately, that's a possibility. My W has allowed her insecurities to build up to a such a point that her only perceived solution was to break up our 19-year marriage with an EMA. Who pays for her problems? -- we all do, every minute of every day.

"Will our children pay for it when they marry?" -- yes, but they can rise above what they see and live and overcome these immense obstacles. It's much, much harder than having had a solid and loving marriage role model, but it can be done. I think about that all the time for my daughters.

"How can I change it?" -- Love, time, and patience.

Sounds like you've got a good grasp of the situation, even so far as questioning whether it's a marriage that wants to be saved. I think you need to try whether he does or wants to or not. With something as vitally significant, you will want to be able to say that you did everything you could, that you gave it your very best shot.

It hurts and I can feel that pain right through your words. Please post again (try GQII) and I'll keep an eye out for you both here and over there.
You have to hang in there, Karo, too much is at stake here not to...

Ammon