She says I meet her emotional needs and generally stay away from her love busters but she still won't make love to me; ever since she rondavoued with her college boyfriend of 17 years past (they had a child and put it up for adoption, split up and four years later I came on the scene and after being told that her baby and its dad are in the past, I married her). I am sexually having a very difficult time due to her not being interested in me.......I am really trying hard to give it more time (it's been one year since I found out about the rondavou and 2 months of counseling with Steve).......how long will this full court press of affection building go on with out any change in her?????? what should I do, any ideas; we have 5 kids: ages 13 to 7: married for 17 years........

CPMMJC --

First, Welcome to MB -- a very good place to be.

Next, let's get you moved to a more active BB on this site. Not many of us come into this one, just not enough activity. May I suggest GQII (the most active) or Emotional Needs (probably next most active). You need feedback and you're not going to get much here in Resolving Conflict (just count the posts here and you'll see).

Now, I'm sorry for your situation. It's great that you're counseling with Steve -- what does he say about a timetable? My guess is that your W is still connected, at least emotionally, to the OM, which will always interfere with and prevent normal contact with you.

Your W's liason with OM was at least a year ago, enough time for any immediate "excitement" from her reconnection with him to have worn off, unless... Is there any contact between them. If you don't know of any, unfortunately that doesn't mean it's not happening. Anything that keeps an EMA fresh is horribly detrimental to your marriage.

There are reasons for her coldness with you. How is her interaction with you in other areas (besides sexually)? How does she seem with the children? After 17 years of marriage, you both own a significant piece of history worthy of preserving. How long will it take? -- How much time and patience do you have? These things take as long as they take. The bigger question: will she be fully and completely back in your life after The Fog lifts? She can...now will she?

Again, Steve is a wonderful albeit expensive source and comfort. With this stuff, you almost couldn't do any better for direction. What's his take on this? We're just fellow sufferers here, that's all, but we do have "street wisdom" and we've been through many of the situations here on this board, either with others here or from it happening to us. But Steve's a pro with years of experience.

Move your post to GQII and let's get you some help here. Hang in. I certainly know where you're coming from and I'm sorry for your pain.

Ammon

Thanks, Amon:

I am pretty sure they are not still corresponding via the net......by the way,that's how it started with HER "harmless" e-mail to old college friends; she got one of those college directories with e-mail addresses in the mail of alumni that are sold each year by a company specializing in them.......however, he could still be sending her private letters to her place of employment where he once requested her to send them for future security purposes. I am 99% sure they are not corresponding due to my alerting HIS current wife (they have 3 young children, married for 7 years) of his plans to eventually get back with my wife in the future. His current wife made it very clear to my wife via a personal phone call some 2000 miles away to never speak to him again or else......my wife verified this strong warning with some intrepridation.....but she was seething with anger for me messing up their plans......Interesting to note, He told his current wife on the phone with me (three way phone conferencing) that he would never leave her and that my wife was obsessed with him and that he was merely playing the knight in shining armor to a damsel in distress....I reminded him of the many love letters to my wife that mentioned how he planned to dump his current wife and run away with mine and how he signed his letters, "with all my love".

She is actually not COLD with me in any other area and we do coexist quite nicely, according to her at least....as long as we stay away from our love busters and try to slowly meet each othes en's . The kids are not involved at all....they are fine......not clueless but not alerted for the most part...we keep it from them.....

Wow, last night I asked her if she felt like foolin around and she said she was too tired...wow what a disappointment.....just 2 months ago I could say let's make love and she would respond.....but recently, she is backing off very carefully; testing my reactions which so far have been oh, come on but to no avail.....since we did our en's questionnaire she has requested once per week and is now trying hard to stick to no more than that.....so Steve says to not push in this area at all.....but last night was a powerfully passionate time for me to get through....and I really don't believe in M'ing due to religious conservatism.........early today I just acted like nothing happened and showed joy for her and tonight when we are agreed to make love (our one night per week)she said that she would help me out because I wanted to but said she was tired and need to get to work.....she compulsively worked herself to death all day up to an hour before going to work and knowing we need to have some time with each other, alone for sex; this is her way to distance me from herself.
It has been my belief and another former boy friend of hers (my wife told me about him before we were married) that she does not like sex or can't meet a male's needs......however, she told me last week after a month w/o sex that she M's. So I don't know what to thing......her sex with me has never been more than her just lying there with no effort rather than a duty that has to be performded.......

Mike

Amon: how do I move this post to where you want it....can you do it for me.....???

I figured it out on how to move my posting rather I merely copied to GQII...thanks

Amon: regarding your other questions; Steve said just keep doing as he says which is plan A....albiet modified......but the timetable is unknown....I will have to again ask him Tuesday about being a little more clear.....

Also, She refuses to be open and honest regarding anything regarding her past with Him and her child who is now college age. This makes me quite sad we can't conjoin our feelings, sentiments and care for her grown son.......she says she does not trust me ...that I am to judgemental for her....even though she has never tried to allow me to breach any help or assistance for him.....I guess in the future she will allow this to happen due to the eventual riskless events that can happen...he is after all grown up.....

In fact, I feel it would be a beautiful example of how our wonderful God often takes sinful acts and turns them into good by her allowing me to accept her son into our family.

CPMMJC (Mike) --

Sorry I didn't get back to you right away. Glad to see you've posted your original message over in GQII--a much better and high-traffic board; that should do the job.

I puzzled by this one-night-a-week arrangement. I thought this was the standard "don't touch me" routine so common in these situations. It's frankly amazing that she would permit this contact with you while still fog-bound. Do I understand that even though you two recently had planned for this time together, it didn't happen?

Glad the kids are kept out of this, but don't fool yourself, they're much smarter and perceptive than we ever think. My guess from this distance is that they know that there's trouble between you two but may not know what to do with that info. Make certain you spend quality time with them and let them know that both Mommy and Daddy love them very much. Man, what we do to the innocent children in these things.

Why does she refuse to be open and honest with you about this guy? Is there something to hide? BTW, I think it's way too early to be discussing bringing her son "into your family." Let's get working on these other problems first.

I feel that there are primal layers in your relationship which need to be addressed and remedied. You seem very concerned about the sexual problems but they're so often symptomatic of other bigger issues. Fix the other problems and the sex often gets fixed at the same time. Communication and openness rate higher on the list, for instance, along with trust.

Keep us posted, either here or on GQII. With Steve in the picture, you're in very good hands.

Ammon

What you need to understand that the emotional baggage is being carried by your wife, not you. Unless she makes the choice to work on the marriage you are going to be confronted by a wife who will sit on the fence and not want to bebuild the marriage. In my opinion it is time that you shook that fence loose so that falls off the fence and is forced to make a decision. You can't make her be a loving faithful wife unless she chooses to . My advice is to stop pursuing her and start focusing on your life and what makes you happy. If she sees that you are not making her the center of your universe and that you are moving on without her it may make her realize that the direction that she is pushing the marriage may end up in a divorce.