My fiance and I are having fights over his bachelor party. His best man wants to take him to a titty bar and I feel that it would be disrespectful of me and don't understand why they have to go there. What bothers me is the lap dances that usually accompany bachelor parties at these places. I don't like the idea of another half naked woman/women rubbing up all over him. He tries to tell me that they have a 3 foot rule where they are going but that is not true. That rule only exists to protect the dancers if they feel unsafe. If they feel safe and think they will get more money, that 3 feet dimishes to 0 feet in no time. We have been having difficulty even discussing this and he previously said he would not go but now after talking to his friend he says he's going and I need to come to terms with it. I feel that he care's more about what his friends want to do than something that will pain me greatly. He has never gone to one of these places the whole 2 1/2 years we have been dating and in general are not important to him. For some reason though, all of a sudden, its really important that he do this for his bachelor party. I am really sick over this and told him we need to talk about it some more after the holidays are over. He just doesn't seem to understand why this upsets me so much. He claims to love me and that this is no big deal, innocent even. I know he loves me but that doesn't make this easier to deal with. I feel he is just dismissing my feelings so he will not feel guilty for what goes on. I feel this would really cross my boundaries and am afraid to tell him that and worry he may cross them anyways. I try to find a way to think of it so its not such a big deal to me but I have not been successful with that. Any comments and suggestions are welcome.

dryad,
I do not believe that your request is unreasonable. Many men use the bachelor party thing as a rite of passage and feel that they must go along with it to be one of the guys. I think that it is totally disrespectful to a bride to know that her future H would want to go to a party to be entertained by porn. You have made it clear that this crosses your boundaries. If your fiancee values the feelings of his friend more than your feelings, what kind of marriage do you think you will have?

I would NOT marry a man who knew my feelings and totally disrespected them. These strip bars very often involve physical contact and full out sex.

Please sit down with your fiancee and let him know EXACTLY how you feel about this. If you let this go, I think that you will be in for a very unhappy marriage. He must decide if he cherishes and respects you and if he does not, he does not deserve to be your husband. Prayers to you, Ladysing

Oh, one more thing, I would suggest that you move this over to the emotional needs section. It gets a lot more responses and I think that you will get some really good advice from both men and women. Hope this helps!

dryad

Being a male, I think a strip bar is the most awful way you can possibly walk into marriage. Marriage is difficult. The last thing your soon to be husband needs is to see and feel some other naked woman up close to him. The question I would ask is this...What good comes from it? He has a good time with his friends. That's it. What bad comes from it? He puts his wants above yours. He disrespects you and your feelings. He fills his head with pictures and thoughts of other women. Fact is, thoughts lead to feelings, feelings lead to actions, actions lead to habits. Nothing good can come of this.

If he is willing to go to a place like this, then why is he getting married to you? Yes, I know this is common practice for men prior to getting married, but considering 50% of all marriage end in divorce, divorce is common practice as well.

If your fiance insists on going and won't lovingly take your feelings and desires into consideration, I would strongly suggest that you spend some time thinking about whether or not you want this man as your husband.

Just my 2 cents.

I'm 48y/o male--never been to one--he doesn't need to go either--talk to his father and your father--if the 2 dads put their 2 cents worth in--then maybe he'll chage his mind--also, tell him, that he will be crerating an"unholy bond"to take to the marriage bed--and that this is not fair to you or to him--how can he concentrate on your beauty that night, when if the nite before, he lusted after a woman who could care less for him and you--well you are nothing to her--e-mail him my reply--I know where of I speak--the unholy bonds that I brought to my marriage are about to destroy it--that is why I am here @ this site to ask GOD to save my marrisge--may GOD bless you in this

I am only replying with MY personal experiences with strip clubs and strippers at bachelor parties.

I made the mistake of believing the following: (1) boys will be boys and it is harmless fun; (2) that my husband had the RIGHT to attend this function without any regard to my feelings (can we say DOORMAT, folks?); (3) that I had no right to ask that he not go.

(2) and (3) were counseling issues, obviously, however (1) was the root of a HUGE problem. I was raised to believe that this kind of entertainment was harmless male fun, strictly visual. What I came to learn was that the "fun" wasn't strictly visual: My husband's bachelor party consisted of twenty grown men watching two naked women writhe all over my husband while he sat "tied" to a chair in his boxer shorts. I didn't find this out until after we were married and when I confronted my husband, he shrugged and admitted it. He said it wasn't a big deal, after all, I was "the one" he married.

I know that there are plenty of people out there who think its fun to take their buddies out and show them a night out on the town. That would be fine! Try to suggest to your husband-to-be's friends an alternative to the "nudie" joints. After all, why does their male bonding have to happen over half naked women? What about a DAY trip such as off-shore fishing or some kind of sporting event? Good luck. You are in my prayers.

My husband had a day of golf and then they went to one of those joints. And yes the women are allowed to sit on the men but the men are not allowed to touch them. No, he doesn't frequent these places at all. I don't know why, but it really didn't bother me for his bachelor party. Though, if he told me he was going to one of these places now, it would be totally different. I guess my attitude was go ahead and get it over with because it's the last time you'll be seeing one of these places as long as we are together. Now, a private party with a hooker, I have a very different viewpoint. I think it also depends on the reputation of the place and I know what most of you are thinking, they are all the same. But let's just say that I had a friend that worked in one of these places, rather upscale in vegas and lap dances were part of the job, but the bouncers were right there and if the guy touched the girl he was thrown out. I know that his friends are pressuring him and you want him to choose your feelings over theirs and that is totally reasonable and understandable. Though, yes it is customary and a guy thing and are you denying his needs and wants? My attitude what is the big deal of a girl sitting on a lap, yeh we know what's going thru his head, etc..., it is part of the party ritual. Again, having sex and going to these sort of places all the time is an entirely different point. What is it that bothers you about this, is it that it is disrespectful to you or is there something else? Please don't take my comments the wrong way, i just really look at things from both viewpoints.

I think that people who have been through an affair will have a very different perspective than those who haven't. The fact that 50% of all marriages end in divorce should tell us that things that are considered "normal", maybe shouldn't be so normal.

There's a great book called "Every Man's Battle" and it deals with the lust battle that all men deal with. Fact is, when a naked woman is dancing on or around you, your mind is not on your wife or fiance. Yes, I know I have morals that most people don't, but God never intended for men to do this. I just think it's sad that so many men consider this a "ritual" prior to marriage.

No one just "has" an affair. No marriage goes bad overnight. It all starts with thoughts, and for men, it starts with thoughts of being with other women. I think maggie is right, we do all know what's going through their head and that's the problem. Thoughts lead to actions.

I just think that people don't understand what love is anymore. They think it's a feeling or an emotion. Love is an action that honors and respects someone with everything you do. I can't see how going to a strip club does either of those things for your wife.

<small>[ January 09, 2003, 11:57 AM: Message edited by: roman77 ]</small>