Hello,
I've been married for about 7 1/2 years, no kids. My wife and I have been back in forth in good times and bad times. First of all me. I can be considered the "typical husband" at times. Lack of attention to housework, her emotional needs. Tendency to be lazy or selfish. But I can recognize these issues and I try to work on them but sometimes fail. While not ever believing in "New Years Resolutions," I am going to try some this next year to fix my issues.

About my wife, in a nutshell, she could be described as egocentric. All opinions and views needs to be like hers or they are wrong and you get chastised about it. Also, if things go wrong in "everyday life" she tends to not be able to handle it. She doesn't want to work and I don't want her to have to but we are at a point where she has to. We argue more than we just talk. She has little to no interest in intimate or physical moments (average is less than once a month.) She has no interest in having kids. She does have an inability to handle stress and takes it out on me. She holds grudges toward me and she NEVER wants to talk about our issues. If I want to talk about them, she will either say I am being overly dramatic, being a baby (and she will say Boo-Hoo) or she will roll her eyes and say oh brother.

Now mind you, some of my failings lead her to be this way but simply can't be that bad of a husband, can I? She went to counseling once over stress at work and In encouraged her to talk about our problems with the doctor and she refused saying we didn't have problems. We are both Christians and I know divorce is not an answer.

Well, things came to a head again last night. We were at church and we go to a small, informal church. She was to sing a special song but I forgot to tell the pastor and he went into his preaching. She gave me dirty looks the rest of the service and wouldn't even talk to me. This is in CHURCH!!!!! When he was done and prayer was over, I told him that she had a Christmas song and wondered if it would be OK for her to sing. She told me NO (I was sitting in the back of the church since I run the sound and video) but the church clapped for her to come up and as she stood up, she looked at me and flashed a terrible look at me and half of the church saw it and went "whoa" or they laughed and some kidded that I may need a ride home. Well she sang it and people thanked me for speaking up (they are blessed by her singing often) but I didn't bring it up to her the rest of the night because I didn't want to be lectured on how I embarrassed her.

Well this morning, she had to take me to work because I wrecked my truck a few weeks ago. I go in at 7 and her at 10. Well, she was upset that she has to "cart me around" and that I "showed no remorse" for wrecking my car. What does that mean?

I am to the point of not arguing with her anymore because I can never get trough to her. A few other tidbits: she married into and we still have heavy debt (though we are never late on bills), she has "in-law syndrome" with my family, especially with my mother and sister. I am feeling that money is what will make her happy but I don't think that is it. How do I get through to someone who doesn't want to have someone get through to them??!?!? Divorce is not an answer for me so what do I do? Do I just say 'Yes Dear' to a person like her?

Brian --

I'm so sorry that no one has gotten back to you. Don't think that means that no one cares. You are welcome here at MB.

Two factors for the lack of response: 1) this forum doesn't get much action, hence not many around here to read or respond to you. Let's get you moved to a more active forum. Try General Questions II (the most active one) or Emotional Needs. Just cut-and-paste your message in one of those; and 2) it's holiday time and the boards in general are slow--like most weekends.

I'm sorry for these problems in your life. Saying "Yes Dear" will not solve a thing (as you already know). Problems ignored are problems repeating. Sounds like you two have major communication issues and are operating on parallel tracks. What we need here is a switch to get you both on the same one. The good news: these problems are fixable; switches exist! Some suggestions:

1) Read everything you can on this website; lots of helpful and applicable info for you, stuff that works! Download the Emotional Needs Questionaire and print out two copies, one for each of you, fill them out in private, then compare notes. I think you'll be amazed at what you'll learn.

2) Money woes, in-law woes, communication woes, self-centered woes -- all fixable, but you are going to need some guidance and direction and support. We definitely can help with all three but you many want to consider some short-term counseling, either here with the Harleys or locally with a good person.

Btw, you and I both know that money is not the answer for you and your marriage. Getting out of debt is a crucial goal and it certainly will help matters, but it will not solve the larger and more fundamental problems for you.

You ask, "How do I get through to someone who doesn't want to have someone get through to them?" I think you know the answer here also: with patience, understanding, respect, consistency, dedication, and love. I'm glad that divorce is not the answer for you; shows a lot about who you are as a husband and as a person. MB is about strengthening and saving marriages and you're one of us now...welcome to the club!

Please post again here and tell me where you're moving this thread so I can watch for you over there. Hang in, Brian...

Ammon