I guess I'm looking for advice. My husband and I are very open, or maybe I should say I am open. Any time there is a problem, and trust many from daily exchanges, to sex, I bring up the issue. I thought we had a good relationship because we can talk about anything and everything. I am always preaching communication. But now, I realize, you can communicate but it's action that speaks louder than words. I will use this example of how I feel things are going: I have told him on numerous occassions to close the kitchen door that leads into the garage when he goes in to get something. Needless to say I wish I had a dime for everytime he left it open. That is the way I feel about serious issues we talk about. I let him know what bothers me and he lets me know what bothers him. I truly find myself trying to work on it. I can give him plenty of examples. I ask him to just show me an instance where he is really trying to change or think of the other persons needs. My husband has a way of being condescending or maybe not as direct when something bothers him. He'll say something like, our daughter's diaper will need to be changed and he'll offer to get her pj's. In other words that's his way of letting me know I am the one that is going to change the diaper. Since he feels I am the one telling him what to do, I always offer the choice, do you want to do the dishes or put the kids to bed? If we see what some of our problems are and we don't work on them, why going to a mc will be any different. Is it that the person is looking for a more authoritive figure to say, she's right you need to work on this. My husband is someone that worries what the other people think and will go out of his way for them, so they will think he is this wonderful guy. I think he is a great guy but somewhere we have taking a wrong turn. Again, anyone including myself when I first met him thought he was great and couldn't believe his first wife let him get away. No we did not have an affair, just the opposite, she did, though that wasn't the reason he left.

Anyway, I am getting off topic. How to listen and show that you are listening. No, I am not perfect and there are plenty of times when I've admitted being wrong, maybe not always at the moment of the argument or situation, but I have come a long way for someone that would never admit guilt. Now , my h, will not admit to being wrong, he always rationalizes. That is one of the things he is suppose to work on along with when he saids something with a double meaning and I call him on it, not deny that is what he meant but to honestly explore and see what it is he is doing. We are both at the point when someone says something we automatically go on the defense and respond defensively. How to get rid of that, I don't know. That part is really hard for both of us.

Anyway, just looking for a little support.
Thanks

Oh my. It sounds like you & I are married to the same man. Do you often times feel like you are his mom? I ask my H to do something for me and he gives me this 'why don't you do it" look, usually followed by a grumble or a grunt. I know what his problem is, though. He was a momma's boy, big time. He lived at home until we married. He was 32! He never had to pick up after himself or pay any bills. Needless to say marriage is a BIG culture shock to him. We have been up & down about his childish tendancies. He'll break down & cry, apologize, be good for a day or two & then it is right back to normal. And I have noticed that, as time goes by, he does not apologize as much and he gets worse. I have been married once before and my EX had an affair. My H knows that I am very touchy when it comes to that sort of thing. I went online one time, about 2 years ago. He had asked me to clean up his email at Yahoo because he didn't know how to delete the trash & such. Well, I caught a glimpse of some emails from an old girlfriend. Problem was, these very indecent emails were during a time a year earlier when we were still together. We had then separated soon after, he told me that he hooked up with her after we broke up. But, he swears they had nothing going on while he & I were still dating. Well, those emails proved him wrong. When I confronted him about them, he acted so childish about it. He told me to just delete his whole email account then! He over-reacts to everything. If I call to his attention how self-centered he is being, he will put all of his things in the paper to sell them. It is ridiculous.

I have a posting in "Just Found Out" as well. We have a whole new problem now. And knowing how he reacts to my questions, I am afraid to confront him about his newest addiction: Internet porn. I installed a spyware on our computer to see what he was up to, because I had seen something that showed that he got a new Yahoo email account. I wanted to make sure he wasn't emailing her again. Well, his email is fine & dandy, but the sites he is visiting. Oh my gosh! That and he never wants to have sex. I wonder why, huh? Anyway. Just to let you know that there is someone out here that has a man just like yours, only mine my have a little more complications than yours. I would love to continue to talk to you. Maybe we could help each other through this.

Kelly

Hi Maggy

Your husband sounds like the kind of man I used to be. I'm sure it is very frustrating. There's a book out that absolutely changed my perspective on the way I should treat my wife. It's called "Every Woman's Desire" and you can buy it online at amazon.com or bn.com. It's a book for a man on being the kind of husband God wants him to be. I know for a fact that any man who treats his wife and approaches marriage the way this book instructs, will have a very happy wife.
That would be my suggestion...