Hello all, I'm new here and this is my first post. I have been visiting this site for the last 2 months. Here's my problem..
In June my folks moved in with us untill they could find a house. Wife and I both agreed to this. They just moved out last week.
About 4 months ago, my wife started to act more distant towards me. When I asked her about it, she said that we were fine. As the days dragged into weeks, I confronted her again. She said that she was confused, and scared. When I asked her what she ment, she said she was scared that she might not want the life that we had built together. I asked her what I had done, and she said it is nothing that I have or have not done. I asked her if there was someone else, and she said no. During that time, I was smothering her a bit because it scared me. So I decided to back off and give her some space. Well things did not improve. Last month I tried to talk to her again about it, and all she said was she didn't feel the same towards me, and that she didn't want to hurt the kids. ( 5 & 3 yrs. old) I suggested counciling, and she said that she would be willing to go, but didn't know if she could tell a stranger her problems. This past Sun. I told her that I had calls into 6 or 8 councilors and was waiting to hear back from them, and that a few of them are booked. She was fine with that. Mon. night I told her that one had an opening starting Wed. Her reply was thats fine. Well, this morning she informs me that she is not going, I tried persuading her, but she flat out refused. As a way to give her some space, I suggested that she go spend some time at her mom's. MISTAKE!! She hit the roof asking if I was kicking her out and not wanting her to see the kids again. I told her that's the last thing I want to do is break up our family. Well tonight she is at her moms and will be back tomorrow.

Our history is. Married 8 yrs. this June. Together 13yrs. Never had any fights with each other. I've always tried to put my family first, and love my wife and kids with all my heart.

My question is this. How do I convince my wife to go to counciling? The spot will be held open for one week. If she still wont go, then what should I do next? I've left out some parts, but I'm tired and confused.

Thanks

Sorry, I forgot one thing about this morning. After she refused to go to counciling, she said that the only thing that were keeping her here was,
1 She did'nt want to hurt the kids.
2 It would destroy us financially.
3 She is afraid of being alone. (very important I think)

Devestated,
I'm sorry for your situation, we seem to be in a similar boat. My wife is determined she's going through an earl mid-life crisis, and that all will be better when she's out of the house and divorced.

I'm sorry to say that I don't have any advice for you, I'm too new at this myself. Has there been anything at all that would lead you to believe there may be someone else? The only reason I ask is because this is how my wife started acting, and we never fought, were always happy, etc. I could be, and hope I am wrong, but there are a lot of similarities. My wife wouldn't admit until I told her I saw her at OM's house.

I am kind of in the same boat. I have always believed that when you get married - you stay married. But my husband takes his stress out on me and the 3 kids (2 10mo old and 1 3 1/2 yr old) - like verbally abusive kind of stuff. I have been to counsiling and been trying all kinds of things (buying books - ect) and trying to get him involved. I don't think there is another woman involved - but I could be wrong. Things are great when he is not stressed - but when he is - he scares me and the kids - I don't know where to draw the line. I have tried to get him to go with me to counselling - etc - but he "does not have a problem" " our marriage is great"

I say - our marriage is about over - but he takes it as if I am just saying that - but I am about fed up - what do I do????????????

I'm Devastated

I too am in similar situation however, my W and I are in counselling.

We have been together for a long time and M for 8 years. We have a couple of kids but this past year we have not had the time to focus on US and things have gone downhill. We are on a roller coaster the last 12 months - things will be good then start going bad then good, etc. Our MC has not figured out what seems to be the problem. We know that our not focusing time to each other is part of it but we have very busy lives with kids, work, school, etc and sometimes the time is just not there.

My advice to you is give her some space but not too much and be there for her. If you haven't already get some good books - the ones I have been reading are "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Every Womans Desire". It is possible that EN's have not been met and there are second thoughts, etc. There is a lot of good information on this web-site and if you haven't already read the Basic Concepts then check it out and print out a copy for your wife. This explains the whole life cycle of M and things like this are expected. This is a good first step before meeting with a MC, it gives you things to think about. Give your wife some time, it took my wife soem convincing (not by me) that a MC was a good idea.

Hang in there, I believe that things will get better.

NOT givenuphope

I would like to suggest a weekend program called Retrouvaille. (retrouvaille.org has info.) The Catholic church sponsors it but it is not a denominational program. They simply show that God is part of their lives as they do the program. It consists of three couples who share their own stories. One story (at least) generally includes dealing with infidelity. They are not professional counselors. They are simply people who dealt with a dying marriage at one time and survived. They tell their stories over the course of the weekend as well as teaching the attendees how to communicate with each other. It is very non-threatening. You don't have to tell people your personal story or your last names. You practice the communication methods over the course of the weekend, but those are done privately, in your own rooms. They are not confrontational methods at all. Our weekend included about 35 couples. These are basically couples who have at least considered divorce but still aren't sure they want to give up. When we showed up on Friday night, body language made it obvious that these were couples in trouble. They weren't looking at their spouses or even standing very close to them. Some people had obviously been arguing on the way there and looked very angry. By the end of the weekend, there were many couples holding hands or putting their arms around each other. There were far more smiles and people sitting close to each other. There are also follow-up sessions once a week for several weeks after the weekend, which help you get better at communicating. There is financial help if it is needed.
The weekend was incredibly helpful for us. They gave us back our hope in our marriage. According to follow-up surveys done 2 years later for couples who have participated, 80% are still married. That's a pretty good statistic considering the shape the marriages are in when they come!