My wife and I have been married 8 years and we have 2 girls 12 and 6. I am a clean freak, I guess. My wife and kids are not. I like things put up when they are finished with them. I like the towels put in the proper place or hung on a towel rack.Wash cloths should be in a different pile than the towels and hand towels seperate as well. I had to label the spots at our last house because CHAOS insued. No one would place them in the right spot and we were left with piles of things. I think that the dishes should never be left in the sink overnight, ( a few is understandable but not heaping full of dishes) I think that cereal should be sealed back up and put up. I think that if you get theses things as they occur it makes overall cleaning uip much easier. That is my problem. I am the only one in this house that thinks this way. I am not perfect. I leaves stuff out all the time, but I pick it back up myself. I have to tell eveyone else, "hey, if you are done with that put it up" They are fed up with me. Am I wrong to have to tell my wife to put the t-paper on a holder. Or that her hair in the sink has gotten so bad that I don't like to go in there. Why do I have to be the one who says it. Why cant they all have enough snap to do it themselves. They cant stand me sometimes because I am consantly having to tell them what to do. If I did not say anything. the house would be a wreck. Yes we have had this discussion. I tell my wife that it only takes a few minutes to really clean up if you just DO IT. I don't mean a few blown clean up, I just mean a quick run through of the basics. Clothes on floor and shoes and dishes and sweep,..maybe mop if needed. Is it me?? I am worried about my marriage. I don't want to live in messy house. MY 12 yo spilled milk on the kitchen floor the other day and didnt clean it up. I made her do it and she says, "its just milk"!! My wife said I was over reacting. She was raised that way. When she comes home from work she plops herself down on the sofa and does not move. But she always pushes the cushions out and never puts them back. When she gets up to go to bed there are pillows on the floor, her blanket on the floor and the cushion pushed out of the sofa. That is where they will stay. I NEED HELP!!!Is it me? Am I asking too much? What approach should I use now to ask her to quit doing these things. SHe is very reponsible with our finances and work. And I am slow right now so I am home more than she is. But this has gone on for years. Last night she unplugged my alarm clock and did not plug it back in. Normally no big deal right..but this is the 7th time she has done it. Usually it is a switch on the wall that operated my clock so I have to tell her<QUIT FLIPPING THIS SWITCH!!!" 7 times I hav ehad to reset the time and the alarm time..I was upset so I unplugged hers. In the middle of the night I fixed hers because I felt so juvenile.Please help me!

I hope you get some responses, because I am in the same boat. I understand your frustration, because my husband is the same way. He will clean out his car by throwing his trash out in the driveway. He will eat in bed then put the dirty dish under the bed,etc...I could go on and on,but you get the picture. I quit bringing it up a long time ago, because I'll just get the standard,"I'll get to it"...He won't!.....I am not a clean freak, but I do like to live with a certain amount of organization and cleanliness..I just tell myself,'there are worst things', but it does bother me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

thanks for replying.Just knowing that someone else is out there makes it better. E-mail me anytime if you want to vent. I know I would like to let off some steam sometimes

have you read Love Busters? I'm reading it and I find it very illuminating and even indicting (I'm a Disrespectful Judgement'er -- yikes!) Harley calls what you are describling an Annoying Habit. here is a link on this site to more information and just a little excerpt:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html

...Annoying habits include personal mannerisms such as the way you eat, the way you clean up after yourself (or don't!)...

...unless you and your spouse change your habits and activities so that they make you both happy, instead of making only one of you happy,
you will eventually find that you cannot live with each other...

Thanks yakbreath.
I had not read the section on annoying habits before.
Good information.

It makes sense, and of course I see it only from my side. The problem is the chicken and the egg story. I would say her bad habits are not cleaning up enough. She would say my bad habits are nagging her to clean up more. She would say, if you would quit nagging me I might do it on my own, (bullsh#t).

I would like to reply because I'm on the other side of this one and I would like to give a different perspective. First of all, what is second nature to you is not to her. I sidetrack easily myself and simply don't remember. I'm off thinking of something else. A book that might be helpful to her is called Side-Tracked Home Executives. Yes, we are responsible to keep our homes comfortable to all. Does that mean perfect? I don't think so. Only your family can work out what is acceptable for your home.
Next, what are you like to be around? Because I love my husband, I want to make our home comfortable for him. However, when my life gets stressful and I get behind on stuff, I need encouragement and support to get things back on track. It takes a real effort on my part to do this because it gets overwhelming and I don't know where to start. If all I am hearing from my husband is a constant stream of "When are you going to do this?"and "Why don't you have this done?", my motivation of loving him develops a huge leak. It is hard to do tough acts of love for someone who is being anything but loving to you. If you can find ways to help her get started by working with her instead of complaining, it will be easier for both of you.
Third point:
Think about this possibility. Could she be dealing with depression? I have been having more trouble than usual keeping up lately and have been overwhelmed with getting started. There are tasks that would probably take 5 minutes that just seem overwhelming to me. My head knows that this doesn't make sense, but depression is fogging my brain and overwhelming me. It becomes sort of a "paralysis of analysis" for me. I just can't seem to get started on anything, because I can't focus on any one thing to start. Of course, I am dealing with all of the emotional aftereffects of finding about my husband's infidelity 3 months ago. We are trying to rebuild but that is a whole different story. Affairs are not the only causes of depression. If you do a search for "depression screening" on the web you will find a list of questions to see if that could be a problem in your situation. I am seeking counseling and am on a medication now. Those things can help ease the effect of the depression.
I hope some of these ideas help you.

Ok, I am glad to hear from the other side. It did help. My problem is thatI am so worried about being taken advantage of that I wont try to undestand her point of view. She has ALWAYS been a slob. I notice her trying to get out of housework all the time. We fought this week end (again) about the same old thing. Sundays I like the whole family to give the house a quick once over. about a 85% clean up. She did a load of laundry and was heading out the door to go work. I can understand that. She does make more money than me now and her job is more important than mine. But at the end of the evening I would ask how much work she got done and she woukld say, " Oh, I stopped by the mall instead". Then the next day, no housework because she has to go to work because she didnt go the day before. You see what I am saying. I HAVE to be a nag. She wont doo it on her own.
This week, I vowed not to tell anybody what to do. I will only demand that the dogs get fed. I want them to see what a wreck of a house it will be if someone isnt there to "crack the whip".

cutawooda,
DO NOT crack the whip. Yes, read the chapter mentioned above! I'm with you totally, I like a clean house and I expect everyone who lives here to help keep it that way. The approach is most likely the problem.

If she grew up that way, it will not be easy to get her to help or even care if the house is clean. If she loves you, it does not matter what her excuses are, she needs to respect your wishes to live in a clean house. PLEASE talk to her and let her know that you are unhappy when the house is a mess and do not want to be the housework Nazi! If everyone in your house would just work together, this would not have to be such a big issue. Let us know how things go here, i'm anxious to see some improvement for you.

P.S. my towels are sorted too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I too love a tidy house. It makes life much more organized. IMO, you need to hire a cleaning lady - even if it's only once a week. Hear me out - it's not avoiding the problem, it's assisting it. A cleaning lady coming to the house once a week forces people to change their bad habits a little. I don't think most people would want a stranger (cleaning lady) to see their dirty underwear lying on the floor when they come over. It kind of forces people to tidy up a little prior to the cleaning lady getting there.

Not everyone likes doing housework, not everyone likes changing oil in the car, or building a deck. I see nothing wrong with hiring someone to do something that you don't want or know how to do yourself.

Ladysing, run away wih me now. Take me out of this cluttered hell. I will fold all the towels.
Thank you for your comments, you too krissee. I still think that there is an issue with me. I might actually be losing it! Is it wrong to ask someone to put up the cereal and CLOSE THE BOX!!Is it wrong to ask her to push in the cushions she always pushes out? Is it wrong to ask her to clean up all the hair she brushes on the floor. Where is the line? Where is the fine line that divides "the need to see that the work should be done" and the "asking that the work get done" She says I just like to boss people around. I say that I see things that need to be done and no one will do them. She says, "why don't you just do it yourself?" I say because I don't want to be taken advantage of. Yes! if I decided to make it a full time job I would. But I refuse. People should be responsible for helping keep the house clean. It is good for my daughters to see their parent cleaning the house, not a housekeeper. If my wife worked 14-15 hours I could understand a housekeeper. She works 9-10 hours. And when I work the same hours, I still have enough energy to clean up a little. ANd when i come home from working that long and the house is shambles,..I hit the roof. AM I WRONG!!! HONESTLY, AM I WRONG. PLEASE TELL ME BECAUSE I MIGHT BE A LOONEY ANDNO ONE BUT MY WIFEWILLSAY IT. AM I A NAG???!!!

LOL cutawooda, I can't run away with you but you can fold my towels! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

This is NOT going to be an easy fix. I do not think that you are wrong to want a clean house, but then I share your need to live that way. I do not understand how your W can think it's ok to ask you to live in her mess and expect you to clean up after her. That's really wrong, in my opinion.

I am in agreement that based on the # of hours she works, she could do some housecleaning and still enjoy her down time. I clean up the kitchen before I leave for work, and again before going to bed. The dishes are emptied from the dishwasher and all the laundry from that day has been washed. Now, before I get flamed from housework haters, I am not asking for a pat on the back, just saying that it is totally possible and does not have to be a big chore!

I have 3 sons, when the older 2 lived at home, they were ALL expected to pick up after themselves, clean up their rooms and bathroom 1x per week and wash their cars on Sat. They were also expected to help with vacuming or whatever needed to be done. Ditto for my H. They did not think this was fair, but I told them that if they lived here, it was expected, no arguments, just do it and get on with enjoying the rest of your day.

The older 2 are in college now, they have actually THANKED ME for teaching them to clean, they say that none of the other guys had to do it at home and they are slobs.

I think that you and your W will have to come to a happy medium. She is never going to have the same cleaning desires that you do, but neither should she expect you to clean up after her or to live in a filthy house! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Please talk to her again, ask her to respect the need that you have here and see if there are any needs that you could improve on for her. Please keep me updated1 Gotta go, I need to wash my car before I pick up at school!

Hi - I am on the otherside - and I can say that my motivation is counterbalanced by my emotional state. If I'm unhappy, my home reflects it. If I'm happy, it does the same. And for some reason, 'telling me' or 'directing me' to do something, is more reason NOT to. I think at times it's a control issue, for me anyhow. When I feel out of control, my home is. When I'm happy and things are going great, so is the house. Has there ever been a time when your house DID look great? Go back to that time in your mind and see what was going on - were you both happy? Good luck, I am frustrated on my side, as I want things cleaned up, but I'm not there. Good luck.

Hello there. I am a neat freak too. My counselor tells me I have a martyr complex. I work full time, have 2 kids and I have ALL the housework and I mean ALL. My husband goes to be at 9 pm and I normally don't make it to bed until at least 12 because I am doing housework or trying to get my down time. There are some days that I want to pull my hair out and I have been wanting a maid for quite some time. I am not looking for someone to come in every week, but perhaps every other week to hit the places I don't have time for. My H says we don't have the $ for a maid. When I think about the windows that need washing and the basebaords that need wiping, I lose sleep. I want things "just so" and it's my way or the highway when it comes to the cleaning. So, I guess it is all my fault. There are numerous times where I have to change and clean out the litter box and take out the trash because it will never get done. My H always puts it off until the trash is running over or the litter box will run you out of the house. This is what I am dealing with.

Hi. My husband and I are going through this as well. He's a total neat freak. His years in the military have taught him to be. I, on the other hand, am not. I get side-tracked easily. I spend my day doing the best I can, but if my pre-schooler wants to do an activity, then those dishes or whatever can wait. The kids are more important to me. They will be out of the house in the blink of an eye, so I refuse to stress over the house. I try to stay on top of things, but by the time my husband gets home from work, everything I've done is messed up again. It's so frustrating! When I'm frustrated I have a short fuse w/the kids, and that's not good. I'm also feeling depressed over things my husband has done in our marriage. Maybe this is my way of getting him back? By not giving him what he wants? I'm not sure. I would love to be more organized and on top of things. I pray for that. It's just so hard to actually get things done and keep them nice. Can anyone give ME some advice???????

I say....please enjoy your family the best you can. Pay for a housecleaner if you can. You mentioned your one child is 12? That's way too old not to be picking up after himself. The children need to pitch in, especially if they are asking to do fun activities or buy special things....they need to do their fair share!

Good luck,
Patriotic

I really am not a clean freak. I am a neat freak. There is a difference. I HATE clutter. There are a few simple things that can keep the house relatively clean,...well, clean looking anyway. Wipe counters, pick up clutter, dishes out of sink, sweep the floors straighten the cushions,and,again,
..clutter control.
It isnt that hard! My wife has been gone all day today and in 2 hours I have managed to clean the kitchen, sweep and mop, 2 loads of laundry and still managed to watch Jack and the beanstalk with my daughter. I will do another load before we leave and I plan to play some soccer with her since the sun has come out. Now heres the catch: In my dreams, she would come home in a little while, see that there is laundry dumped on the bed to be sorted and dispersed, and she would continue on. She told me this morning that she would come home at lunch to help me out a littel bit,...she changed her mind. Now here is how it will work: I will come home and she will be nowhere to be found. She will come home and sit on the couch and I will feel taken advantge of because I don't see her contributing. I will end up saying somthing like, " can you maybe do those clothes". She wont. I will ask again, and she will call me a nag. I will tell her all I have done and she will say "good for you" By the end of the night the clothes will be dumped by the side of the bed on the floor And in 3 days the pile will be bigger and I will have to say somthing again. An argument will insue and bla bla bla bla. All she has to do is help with those few things i listed above and I would be exstatic, {sp}. I would love her to maybe see some dust and clean it but,..c'mon..that is so funny I am actually laughing as I write that. We are in the process of building a brand new home. I am acting as general contractor and saving us about 25,000.00 She is working as an attorney. I am a remodeler. This is my slow time of year. But in essence, I am saving us a ton of money, and doing a damn good job of it. When Summer comes around I am working alot and i still come home and do a few chores around the house,..again, it is just so easy to knock out the 5 or 6 things. Unfortunately it is easier to just come home and sit on our BIG FAT ASSES. She complains about gaining so much weight,..(SHE complains) but my god! she sits all day at work, and then lays down on the couch afterward, and then fully lays down in bed...I am no rocket scientist but this one is easy.