This is my first post after lurking for a few weeks. I have been in a living hell living with a husband who, in my opinion, may be verbally abusing me. Here's a scenario...what do you think? Last night, I was doing the taxes. I told H we owe and he asked why. I told him we owe since together, we made XXX amt. of dollars and the tax breaks get smaller as taxable inc. goes up. He asked me how much he made...I told him the TAXABLE amount (about 10,000 less than gross). He said he thought he made more..I told him that his TAXABLE amt. was less due to 401K. HE FLEW OFF THE HANDLE!! He started yelling at me saying I was belittling him saying he made less and that why didn't I tell him what he made (whole amt.) instead of just taxable? I told him (calmly...even though he was SCREAMING at me) that I was thinking Taxable since I was doing the taxes. We went round and round ... him accusing me of belittling him... He accusing me over and over of me trying to make him look bad, etc. This is just ONE example! I could go on and on about how he accuses me of having ulterior motives or trying to hurt him or whatever when I'm just innocently explaining things to him! He escalates right off the bat! Starts yelling, screaming, threatening he'll leave, etc. I used to cry...now I just sit there, stunned that the man I married is NOT the man I'm living with now. This man is some Mr. Hyde that has taken over. I don't know what to do. I'm losing self-respect because I'm always the one who apologizes...saying I'm sorry...that I didn't mean to make him feel that way. Don't you think if he was thinking sanely he would know I wasn't belittling him? He's SOOO angry all the time! I think he may even be depressed. One more thing (sorry to go on and on) but I work full time and so does he...but I've been doing all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. He's been sitting on his [censored] watching TV or playing video games. I'm sooo nice to him! I show him love and caring. I get up with him in the a.m. (an hour earlier than I would have to) and see him off to work. I say "have a good day...I love you" and he mumbles...yeah, you too. (he hasn't been saying "I love you" back). This irks me!!! I feel like I'm giving, giving, giving and he's taking, taking, taking and I'm really getting sick of it!

I'd like to know if I'm being verbally abused...he backs me into a corner...accusing me of things that I'm not guilty of...and the only way to end it is to apologize for something I didn't do!!!!!!!

L:

Yes, this sounds like verbal abuse -- it also sounds like something else is very wrong. If he gets upset all the time, communication doesn't take place. He could be suffering from an undiagnosed illness.

If you can get into some counseling, consider it. Your situation sounds pretty bad, with the potential for escalation...

Good luck and God Bless You!

Dear lynninny
Yes it definately sounds like verbal abuse. My husband does similar things to you, it is crazymaking and it took me a while but i now realize how truly verbally abusive he is. I get into many situations like that where i am talking about nothing to be upset over and he turns it into something. One thing i have started to realize its like a roller coaster with him, everything will be so good (honeymoon period) and then we'll fall back into the verbal abuse again....it is heartbreaking and very hard on your self esteem....
a good website to go to which is very supportive that i have found and gives alot more information on verbal abuse is www.verbalabuse.com
I have come to realize that no matter what you say you will always be wrong, and the best thing to do is walk away...easier said than done i know, especially when they are getting mad at you for something you arent' doing....but its like a bait for them and they just drag you right into it, make you feel like your the bad guy, won't apologize, wait for you to come to them....its horrible!!!
Mine too was not the man i married, but i have come to realize now that i am understanding verbal abuse better there were little red flags that i did not see, which are so clear to me now.....when it happens next time, just take a breath and realize he has a problem, and its not you....don't let him drag you into an argument, don't try to defend yourself, b/c whatever you say he'll just use it...
((((hugs)))))

I was married to a man for 6 yrs. who was verbally, emotionally, financially and physically abusive. Yes, it sounds very much that your H is verbally abusive. When you feel like nothing you do is right, when you're walking on eggshells so as not to upset him, when you get blamed a lot for things you have no control of or are not guilty of doing,when you are catering to his needs and trying your best to please him so he won't be angry at you,when he controls your behavior by intimidation or threats, you are a victim of verbal and emotional abuse.I hope you don't have kids involved, if you're planning on it, please wait and think about it hard! I have 2 kids from that marriage. The best thing I had done for my 2 beautiful daughters was leave that man before he does the same abuse to them. That was 10 yrs ago. To this day, the man is still a control freak.(sorry, some things never change) Be strong, believe in yourself, get counseling, and we are here for you.
SS

Hi, interesting to find this thread. I joined MB today and put up a letter searching for insight from others. I know I am in the middle of a roller coaster relationship of intimidation/abuse and 'honeymoon' swings. Just like these, my honey blows at the darndest things and I am the one trying to remain calm, loving, stable and it is a kind of hell. We are not yet married. I love him deeply and he has given me an ultimatum (date and deadline) and now this date for us to make some decisions for our future has turned into a date that I am daily threatened and harassed about. I recognize that these people are being abused and sadly recognize that I am too. I guess that means I am terribly sick too... to keep trying to act sane and loving with someone who is out of control emotionally...? I am going to have a good cry. There is a good man out there who are honest, faithful, even tempered ... really??? I suppose there are nice guys who are in my/our shoes too... why do 'nice' people get hooked with abusers?

I am torn on this issue of "verbal abuse"...IMO everytime any of us say something unkind...it is certainly "verbal abuse"...

Aren't we all verbal abusers when we say something unkind?? Sometimes I think we tend to focus on "THAT WAS ABUSE" all to easy...