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Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 5
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 5 |
My wife and I lost our baby daughter in August 2001. She was 5 weeks 1 day old. We thought we had dealt with the loss well. However we couldn't have been more wrong. Your site describes our separate approaches to dealing with the pain so accurately. Shortly after the death my wife wanted to try for another kids so badly. She repeatedly asked me to do so. To compound matter I had had a vasectomy while my wife was seven months pregnant. Despite sharing her desire for a new kid, I felt scared to try again on the basis that we could go through another loss. I also didn't want to 'replace' our dead babies memory so soon. However instead of explaining my fears I simply asked my wife to stop asking me to have another kid as it hurt every time. She said she wouldn't - and she never did. Little did I know that this was to signify the beginning of the end of our marriage. Yesterday my wife and I split up after 12 years together.
Of the issues we identified my wife stated that she is so deeply hurt by the attitude I took regarding another baby. She said I made her feel like I didn't care about what she was going through. She said I made her feel like she was grieving alone. Al I was trying to do was protect the happiness of my family. We have two other kids. I just asked us to focus on them and their needs and be grateful for what we had. However in recent months the desire for a new kid had returned and the fear or recurrence subsided. However rather than mention this to my wife I said nothing for fear of stirring her emotions again.
Now we are separated. She says she cannot forgive me and although admits to still loving me deep down she is not in-love with me and has lost her attraction to me. She admits to having pulled a protective shield down and is very scared of getting hurt again. When I suggested counselling to deal with it she said there is no point as she doesn't want the marriage.
I don't know what to do. I really believe she still loves me but is looking through her grief. We both want a new baby and we are both still grieving the loss of Rachel. However we are now physically apart which is making this so hard. We live in Glasgow in Scotland. Any advice you could offer would die most appreciated. In particular I would like to hear of similar stories that may have occurred so that I could show them to my wife in the hope that she will acknowledge what has happened is normal in such circumstance but it does not necessarily mean the end of our marriage.
Thanks for any help you can provide
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
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Member
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714 |
Fozi,
First, try posting on the Emotional Needs or the Divorcing Boards if you need quick help. These get more action than this one. And really will be better suited.
Second, as everyone will tell you, read everything on this site if you haven't already. Then, implement Plan A. If your wife won't fill in the LoveBusters questionnaires andt he Enotionalneeds qustionaires, fill them in yourself as if you were her.
Then eliminate the LBs and meet any ENs she lets you. Others have been back from the brink.
Have you gone to grief counseling? My SIL who lost her first to SIDS at 3 days old found the group very valuable, even after she had two more! My other friend who's baby died didn't find it so helpful.
I think before you can convince your wife to try MC you need to show change in yourself. That will give her a glimmer of hope that any effort she puts into the relationship now may have a pay off.
How old are you? Does a new baby need to be concieved immediately? Or does your wife still have a few years?
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 151
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 151 |
Your story reminds me of mine, once removed. I too lost a baby. She was my grand daughter and she died inexplicably, in my care on her one month anniversary. After many months, an autopsy told us nothing. Her parents, my son and his wife, were of course devastated. It did not help that my husband and I were caring for her when she died while napping. It didn't help that, we could not offer comfort to them in their time of loss. They did have another baby immediately. Another girl. I had great bonding problems with the new baby who has the same first name. I did not want to care for her at a young age. But at about 3 mos of age, I finally could love her completely. I see her and her brother almost every other weekend. But the fear of losing her has disipated. It will never go away, and I often think even when driving my car that if an accident occured and one of them was seriously injured or dead, I would die. But you have to find the strength to love and trust again. I don't know where it comes from, but it comes. I still grieve and miss my grand daughter every single damn day! But, I have smiled again, in spite of everything I thought and all the pain I felt and still feel, life does go on. You have got to take some risk just to live. I completely understand both you and your wife. It is a wonder that my son and wife survived the death whole and intact, with their marriage. It is a wonder that my husband and I survived it. But we did. Somehow we did. I wish you a chance at life and a chance at healing and happiness again. It seemed like a sin that the sun could continue to rise and shine after what happened to us, but it did and it does. You my wounded friend, need to catch some rays....Your daughter would not want you to mourn so hard, that, you never have joy again. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 104
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 104 |
Dear Fozi,
I will share our story with you, not sure if it will help. Just want you to know you and your W are not alone.
My H and I lost our second son, Aaron, at 8 weeks old due to SIDS. That was almost 13 years ago. My H is very tender hearted and took the blame for our son's death on himself after a so called 'friend' suggested that he was somehow responsible. He suffered a breakdown that nearly destroyed our marriage, and all my in-laws could do was encourage us to get a divorce.
We now have 5 kids (and one in Heaven). We didn't get there overnight, however. Our sex life suffered greatly, for the exact reasons you listed: fear of creating a new life so soon after our son's death, and fear of losing another child. H had an EA, but nothing would fill the void or ease the pain. We sold everything to move cross country back to where his family was.
Personally, I think it's a mistake to get pregnant again right away. You and your W need to heal first, and get right with each other. We waited 1 1/2 years before we got pregnant again.
Fozi, I'm sure it's not a question of whether your W still loves you. The grieving process is so different for everyone, and as you know, fathers are often left out of the condolences. Your pain is just as real as hers, and your grief is just as valid. Everyone feels alone in their grief. Please continue to talk to your W, be patient, gentle and sympathetic. You and your W are in my prayers.
Best Wishes!
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Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 5
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 5 |
It just feels so desperate. She is of the mid that we have split up. We are still talking and trying to be friends. I am still trying to read signs in everything that she does to see if she is coming round. My current life is a living nightmare. I am grieving and yearning for another child yet my wife has left me. I cannot contemplate having another with someone else in the future. The only solution would be with her. But that can't happen.
I appreciate your response and your prayers. Just seems so hopeless.
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