</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is my 1st time joining this kind of groups...so I'm not quite sure if it would help...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The group, this site, the books, counselling - none of it helps if you don't use it in your life. What you get from here depends upon what you put in, and the benefit on your life depends on what you do with what you learn.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> anyhow...my husband and I have had arguments almost every week for the past couple of months now.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is not good. You are both destroying your love for each other.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Although, it seems like it's always me who has the problem as he puts it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WRONG. *Loud buzzer* If you have a problem; then, the marriage, by default, has a problem. You are part of the marriage.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He always says that I mind even the littlest things...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a Disrespectful Judgement (DJ). What he considers little and what you consider little are 2 separate things. You are allowed to think what he considers "little things" are big things. It's called individuality and personality. As long as you haven't been diagnosed with OCD, he needs to learn to respect YOUR view of things - even if he doesn't agree.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm a worry wart and he describes me as being paranoid all the time. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Another DJ.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I tend to doubt him everytime...he lied to me once big time...thinking that I was born yesterday and would not even have known about it...but he knew it was a big mistake...since then, I never had the same peace of mind with him like I used to. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have your own DJ in here ('thinking that I was born yesterday'). You don't know what he is thinking. I don't know what he lied about, but trust and credibility are earned. If someone behaves in an untrustworthy way (lies), you aren't going to trust them.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> when he's at home...he's always online...tracking sport tournament scores with his colleagues...if not playing online...instead of spending quality time with me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a problem with the "Policy of Undivided Attention". You can't meet each other's emotional needs if you do not spend time together.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He gets irritated everytime I ask him what he's doing.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...watch this. He is secretive, and then you catch him in major lies? No wonder you don't trust him. You need to be honest that you don't, and why.
Ex. "I don't feel as if I can trust you because I don't get answers to my questions." Concentrate on how you feel - don't analyze what he is doing or his reasons for it.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Every time I get home...I cook...sort out bills...check out ways on how to pay off car loans...mortgages sooner...or do house chores...but he, on the other hand...just takes time to relax...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then you need to negotiate for more equity in how things are done and set up some boundries for you. Time for YOU to relax.
What you need to do:
1.) Read all of the basic concepts on this site, and all of the articles. It's free, so what more could you ask for? Know about ENs (Emotional Needs), the Love Bank, LBs (Love Busters), the three states of mind in marriage, the giver and the taker, the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA), Radical Honesty...all of it.
2.) Get the BOOK "Love Busters" and read every word in it.
3.) After reading the book "Love Busters", get the book "His Needs/Her Needs" and read every word in it.
4.) Fill out the LB (Love Buster) and EN (Emotional Needs) questionnaires. If your H won't enthusiastically agree to do this, come back here. DON'T go around "educating" your H on what you have learned to get him to do anything. This is disrespectful.
5.) Always, but always, follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. Your spouse (Husband) is not going to want to do anything at all for you when you are hurting him. He is LESS likely to do what you want him to.
6.) Realize that you can't change your H, he has to change himself.
7.) Start working on yourself. It takes 2, and I have yet to see an entirely 'innocent' spouse out here. Everyone contributed to their own situation.
Do NOT rule out marriage counselling or coaching. The best thing to do is to get a pro involved before things get any worse. Make sure you get a pro-marriage counsellor (there is an article out here on how to select a marriage counsellor).
