My wife and I have been married for seven years and two wonderful children. Basically without going into detail, because it would take a long time, I have done a lot of emotional damage to her and she won't forgive me.
We had some issues before we got married that carried over into our marriage. Not only that but I made my wife feel stupid, unloved, not wanted, not needed, and very alone. I treated her like crap and was very selfish. I struggled through our marriage of wanting to be back home with my parents and that caused her much sadness. I was very immature. Two years ago I started having problems with panic attacks and last year August my wife moved out and lived with her mother for a month. The only thing that brought her back was homeschooling our oldest son. She has slept on the couch ever since and doesn't want to forgive me or start over again. We tried marriage counseling but she stopped going because she was uncomfortable about the issues the counselor was bringing up. I kept going though because I wanted to change anything about myself that was causing problems. I have changed a lot since then but my wife says it's too late. I have been trying to add to her love bank with thoughtful words and actions for many months now, but she doesn't budge. My panic attacks are back and I'm taking medication for them. I'm starting to feel very hopeless. I love her so much. I wish I would have appreciated her before like I do now. I have been reading "Three States of Mind in Marriage" and I know my wife is deep in the withdrawal stage. After reading that I realized I'm drifting into withdrawal myself. She says she doesn't love me anymore, has no feelings for me, and doesn't want to do things with me. She also said she is miserable and will be that way whether she leaves me or not. I'm very very emotionally hurt by her words and actions of rejection.
I realized after reading the article that I can't go into withdrawal if I'm going to win my wife's heart back.
What's my first step? I've tried thoughtful loving words and actions but she doesn't respond. She says she doesn't trust me and doubts my love for her. I do love her very very much. I don't want to be the jerk I've been in the past.
Please help!!

I am not sure of your situation and I understand how it's very hard to explain every detail. I must also say, that I am NOT married and really have no right to sit here and give advice. I have been in a relationship for 5 years. However, two years ago, my boyfriend did some very hurtful things, which I too, cannot adequately explain here. I felt and still feel very much betrayed, hurt, resentful. I can't understand why somebody who said they loved me so much, could knowingly hurt me so badly. Now, my boyfriend, after having "forgiven" him, wants the relationship back where it was. I love him so much, at least i feel its love ( i am only 21, i dont feel as if i should compare any problem I have with any marital problems) but yet I resent him so much. He thinks that since everything happened 2 years ago, it's over and done with and I've had such a hard time dealing with trust. I dont have 100% trust and its causing a big problem. I don't feel good enough. My self-confidence, esteem, and faith in the relationship has taken a downfall. All i want is to be loved so much. Now listen, my boyfriend has attempted to show he loves me. But i still for some reason withdraw from it. I feel so overprotective of myself....I can only say, keep trying, i know that all i want for him is to keep showing me because i am deeply hurt.

i didnt treat my husband too well either, even though he has faults too. He left my house and is getting deployed with the army for what they think will be a year. He refuses to return my calls, told my mom to tell me it's over. He cant get a divorce until he gets back so I'm going to try whatever i can to change his mind....but i dont know how to convince him that THIS time I will change my behavior. His walls are up, he's deep into withdrawel and feels convinced that nothing will ever change and he's through with it. I love him dearly and saving my marriage is extrememly important. I just dont even know if he's going to allow my words from my letters in his world or if he will just tear them up. I've never felt so sorry before. At least your wife is still in your presence. I think that accounts for something, however small it may be
take care
email me if you want