My husband and I have a bit of a problem. It might sound sort of trivial in comparrison to some of the others I've been reading, but here goes anyway.

The background behind the problem in a nutshell:
I come from an alcoholic childhood. I don't blame all my problems on that, but that one little fact does influence how I feel about my loved ones drinking. I met a man, fell in love, and he claimed he stopped drinking/smoking/partying etc. Then, once we get really serious, he just comes right out and says he's going to drink whethor I like it or not. That goes for the smoking too. All this makes me feel sort of like the rug's been pulled out from under me, but we come to a comprimise. He can go out one night a week, no questions asked as long as he comes home when the bar closes. Any other times he wants to go out and drink, he'll ask me to make sure it's ok. That works for a while, for the most part.

Now here's the current conflict:
He is now saying that he thinks he should be able to do whatever he wants, no matter how late he stays out, every once in a while. I can't seem to get over that. He knows how I feel about drinking, he knows I worry about him if he's out too late. Plus staying out all night at parties is not something, imo, that should be done alone when one is married. It's disrespectful and sets one up for being in situations that could comprimise a marriage.

He thinks I should "let" him do whatever he wants and not care how late he comes home or what he is doing, "at least every once in a while." I think that it's pretty selfish to expect me not to care what my husband is doing. We agreed to the whole only doing things if we both are in agreement about it, but that seems to only work for him if HE'S in agreement about it.

What do other people think? Am I out of line here? SHOULD I not care what he does? Thanks for your opinions.

<small>[ April 13, 2003, 12:50 PM: Message edited by: Ro77 ]</small>

I haven't been here long, but I have seen that it can be really quiet on the weekends. Just hold on and you will be answered with advice from truly caring people.
I will tell you up front that you are definately not out of line. How could having strong morals be out of line? I'm as hardheaded as anyone could ever get and don't believe in compromising ones moral position for any reason. So I have a tendency to say don't budge an inch. Now that could be out of line, but I don't think so.
By the way, I thought I was the only one around who nosed around on line at 4 in the morning. I waited until 6 before I turned it on this morning and have worked at it all day. Now I'm glad I finaly had the time to drop by for a few minutes, I can always use a new friend.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ro77:
<strong>Now here's the current conflict:
He is now saying that he thinks he should be able to do whatever he wants, no matter how late he stays out, every once in a while. I can't seem to get over that. He knows how I feel about drinking, he knows I worry about him if he's out too late. Plus staying out all night at parties is not something, imo, that should be done alone when one is married. It's disrespectful and sets one up for being in situations that could comprimise a marriage.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am new, too, but I have to jump in atell you that you are NOT out of line here, HE is! He is NOT respecting you, or your feelings...he is not putting you first, and IMO, that is what is required to make a marriage.

Have you asked him WHY he feels so strongly about going out like this? Have you considered counseling, together or alone?

I see a major red flag here....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he is not putting you first</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Being put first is a list item reserved for chores.

Now, you have been betrayed with words and actions, similar to betrayed with sex, but of a different topic.

However, i would say that he isn't taking your feelings into account and is presenting selfish demands. SD. You should care, and if you can't come to an agreement, then you need to think long and hard about how longyou want to live like this.

BTW, do you have any kids?

wiftty

No kids. Definately not planning on having kids anytime soon.