Please help! I'm not sure where to go from here.
My husband of sixteen years and I are soulmates. We finish each other's sentences. We seem to know often exactly the words the other is about to say a few seconds before I/he actually say it. We have many things in common. Many people thought we were married long before we were and often accused us of being psychic.
Even my grandmother who raised me loved him as one of her own rather than an in-law and told me I couldn't have picked anyone else better for me if she had chosen him herself. At 96 she was the matron of honour at our wedding. She also gave us her own wedding ring after 68 years of marriage because she believed we would be married just as long or longer. In within the next month she suffered a couple of fatal strokes and died.
We are opposites yet the same in many ways. We are a great team who work together with our 4 children (3, 5, 12, 13) and share all household responsibilities. We were best friends as well as husband and wife.
I say "were" because now my H says he doesn't love me anymore. Finances have always plagued our marriage. I have supported us since the beginning. We started a family before being financially secure because we thought it was important to raise children while still young. For the first couple of years he didn't work until our second child was 4 months old. For 11 years, he worked part-time evenings and weekends (Sunday shopping took away our only day together) which basically only paid for daycare expenses and maybe a bit more. Also, being a child of older parents, both of mine are now dead. I have no other family but have some close friends. His parents do not recognize our children as their family and friends have turned away from him. As a result, we have not had the external support nor have spent as much time together as we wanted and should have.
Since he started back at university full-time last fall, we now have the time to spend together as a whole family. But, he has been looking at everything he's missed out on because of not finishing his degree before we got married and not having the money. Neither one of us have had any affairs. However, he says our relationship is done. He wants to:
- move forward with his own life/divorce me
- support our children but feels he owes me nothing (although he is currently not working).
- continue to live/coexist in our home to give our children stability
- continue as friends only (even though we are so much more)
- continue to have sex (I have a problem with being reduced to a few body parts to provide a release after 16 years of lovemaking, just sex is just too weird for both of us)
- have sexual/emotional relationships with other people and encourage me to do the same to find happiness with someone else
- continue to financially support him and our children
- continue to support him while he goes to school for another 3 years
Just as all other couples we have had our ups and downs. We have each made our share of mistakes. I have forgiven him for everything throughout our relationship. However, he seems to be looking for flaws in me now to justify his feelings. (Example: telling me I lied to him about something I told him years ago from before we were married.) Forgiveness isn't one of his fortes. He says I have changed. When I ask him how. He says that he doesn't trust me nor see me as his wife anymore but doesn't provide any more explanation. I try to tell him that I haven't changed that much over the years and that I am right here if he wants me. He says that the really only happy time in his life was between his highschool graduation and our wedding day (which doesn't include the births of our children). He says that he is mourning the death of our relationship.
Recently, we decided to start at the beginning again. Everything was going wonderfully until a couple of weeks ago. One day (3/30), we had never been closer. He attended church with us, which he rarely does. We spent a fantastic day together. Later, he was telling me how lucky he was to have married me and that he still loved me very much. I could tell in his eyes that he meant it. (His eyes always sparkled when he said, "I love you.") The next day he was yelling at me saying that reconnecting with me felt wrong. Now when he looks at me his eyes are flat and twists his mouth in a half-smile that breaks my heart.
We even wanted to have another baby together some day. I sugggested we wait until after he graduates. (He has complained over the years of having to side-step what he wants to do for everyone else.) Now that he's finally finishing his degree, I don't want to interfere with that by having him be a stay-at-home dad again. Besides, with me being the only one working, I don't know how we would survive financially. He says I'm just putting up obstacles again.
I do not want to divorce my husband. I want us all to be a whole family. I want my husband and best friend back. I love him with all my heart. We have so much potential together. I feel that ending our marriage is a terrible mistake that we will regret for the rest of our lives, not to mention the possible damage to our children--especially the older two who are now entering their teenage years. When I married him, I did so for life through the good, the bad and the ugly. I don't want him to leave yet I'm not sure how I can let him stay. This is tearing me apart inside.
What should I do? Friends say I should just kick him out without anything or have him committed. They say he needs time and distance to find out what he's giving up. I feel that to be fair I could possibly arrange for first and last month's rent elsewhere but that's about it since I would need to support and raise our 4 children myself. I don't want our children to lose their father. This would affect the youngest two the most. However, if I kick him out I may lose the only chance I have to regain what we have lost. I have heard about the dangers of separation. As a result, I have been resisting letting him go and want to go to counselling him. He's not sure this would do any good so why bother. I have arranged to go to counselling myself tomorrow because I feel this is too big for me to handle myself.
Should I start Plan A or Plan B?
I am waiting to see what happens after he finishes his final exams within the next two weeks since I don't want to be responsible for him not doing the best he can do. (He has an A- average so far.)
I feel he is slipping through my fingers as he dangles over an abyss. I want to hold on but am not sure I can for much longer. He wants to see me smile more. I just feel like grabbing him and shaking him, screaming "STOP THIS!" I am happiest when I am with him and see no one else in the future for me but him.
Thanks for listening.
