Hi, first let me fill you in on some facts so you can understand my problem. I am in my 40's and I am divorced with 2 children. I have a relationship with a man in his 30's, divorced with 1 child. He is nine years younger than me. We have been together for
7 years, living together for 3 years. We met while we were both married, and both had troubled marriages.

Anyway we fell madly in love with each other and I truly believe that he is my soul mate and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He is a wonderful man and boyfriend, he has never cheated on me, he is not a womanizer and is very devoted and loyal to me. He treats me like a princess. We get along so well, we both have great senses of humor and laugh alot together.

And now the problem: In my life and past relationships including my marriage of 15 years, I was never the jealous or possessive type. Well with my boyfriend discribed above, I became very possessive of him, very jealous and very controlling to say the least. He has not done anything to warrent this. But I must be honest about how bad it is.

It is to a point that I can't even stand some of the T.V. programs he watches that involve woman in skimppy clothing. I want all of his attention at all times. He cannot tell me if he thinks another woman is good looking without me getting very jealous.I don't like him helping any females or even men, I am jealous of any relationships he has with males and even his sisters at times. I din't want him to get a second job, because the jobs involved interaction with other woman. I worry if he is having interaction with woman at his job. I don't ever believe what he says to me. I think his sister's don't like me and would like to see us split up. The list goes on and on. It is hard for me to even write this .

Most of the things that go on with my possession and jealously are too embarassing to go into now.
. I know for a fact that I am destroying this relationship slowly, but it has come to a point that he told me either you change or he is leaving me. I know he loves me, but how much can a man take. Logically I know I have to stop, but I have fighting this problem for so long with him, and now I really need help. I don't want to lose him. I went to counseling a year ago and it helped but only a little.
I hate this horrible trait I have it is so ugly, and I am in a professional job, I take pride in working out everyday to stay in shape, I am a very loving Mother to my boys and a likable person. But this part of my life is destroying the one relationship I want to stay in and I don't understand why it is like this. I could see it if he were a womanizer and went out all the time, but he's not and he dosen't.

I am lost and I need advice soo desperately. If anyone can help, I would appreciate any advice that you give.

Thanks.

<small>[ May 03, 2003, 03:38 PM: Message edited by: Peg22 ]</small>

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 10:59 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Peg
I believe from a women's view, you are in need of help with your own self-esteem. It sounds like you may feel your wonderful relationship is to real to be true and you are dreaming. So, instead of just enjoying every mintue of this great R, you look for problems to create a sense of "I knew it was not real" belief. This may be to protect yourself if anything ever does go wrong in R.
I can only suggest that you get help with your self-esteem to help you feel better about yourself, then it will not matter if you loose the R or not. It appears your R may be a co-dependent R, where you feel good about yourself cause he shows you or makes you feel that way.

These feelings also arrise after being in a poor M and getting a D, so try to love yourself more.
I hope this helps, I am no expert. I have went through co-dependent counseling myself.
NR

Hi Peg22,

I was very intrigued by your post. In most cases people aren't aware of their problems. You are aware yet cannot stop your reactions. I do agree that the reasons for your actions must have something to do with your self-esteem. You feel like you don't deserve such a wonderful person. It may be something as simple as your subsconscience being uncomfortable with your age differences.
Who knows? How do you find out?

I myself struggled with internal issues that I couldn't put my finger on. Then I attended a weekend self-awareness/improvement seminar and I learned a few simple activities that helped me become more aware of why I do some of the things I do. It helped me to learn to stop and to think about everything I did and said. By becoming more aware of what I was doing helped me to learn to change those behaviors into more productive behaviors or as the seminar describes, behaviors that 'work for me'.

I know I like to try to promote some of the things I've tried. But,when if you find something that makes such a difference in your life shouldn't you share it with others who may benefit from them? These seminars (They offer a series of 3 seminars) have been very helpful to a large number of my family members. 11 people in our family have taken at least one of these seminars and everyone benefitted from them. I'm going to go to the 2nd of the series some time this summer.

If you're interested I've posted their website link on this board under the Miscellaneous - Other Web Sites section.

I strongly encourage couples to attend these seminars together. They are geared towards improving individuals but it is more helpful when both individuals practice the ideas together.

I'll leave you with a little message I learned from the seminar. 'A person reacts to situations in a certain way because that is what they are comfortable doing. No one can change if they are comfortable'.