Wow, where do I start. My husband and I have been married for 3 years and we have some major differences about our belief in faith and morals. We have ongoing arguments over a few issues and one of them being....what we watch as far as movies and so on. I was brought up in a strict christian home where we didn't watch anything that we just wanted. My husband however has different feelings about this issue. I dont think watching movies with nudity or major violence is right. I think that it is wrong that my husband watches movies that contain minor sex scenes and women dressed unapropriately. I feel cheated because I saved myself for him and I have never seen another naked man other than him. Why should he see other women being intimate? I feel like being intimate is supposed to be private, not watching some other couple on a giant screen. Now my husband is not a pig, and he respects women, I just dont understand his view on this. I know that I am not his mom. I cant tell him what to watch but how do we continue to have a good marriage with these problems? I feel like his movies are more important to him because he cant give them up to make things better. I feel like I am the only person in the world who feels this way about certain movies. I'm very surprised at some movies my christian friends say that they just saw or own. Does anyone have any good advice or similar problems?

Get over it and stop being a prude. Great you were raised a certain way, but as long as you're his wife and he goes to bed with you and isn't unfaithful then the rest is just minor childish issues that shouldn't even be an issue. SO what if he likes movies and seing fine ladies on tv, are how can you as a loving wife want to censor your husband to the point of rated G entertainment. Tv is TV and that's all it is, you need to just wake up and realize that you're being petty.

good luck

Is your husband's choice in movies your only source of conflict?

Have you spoken to your husband about what exactly makes you feel uncomfortable (ie nudity or provocitive clothing in general; porn vs movie-kissing) and why he wants to watch these movies? Can you come to a compromise?

You might find the section of this website on the "Policy of Joint Agreement" useful.

Take care.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I really see this as a issue you have and your up bringing...You didn't say that this was porn, just TV shows and Movies that for the most part everyone watches, your parent's were very strict but you're not his mother you're his wife....Did you know he liked or watched mainstream TV or movies before you were married or did you bring this up afterwards? If this is the only issue that you have, you might need to bend on this one.

I do NOT think this is just "your issue" and I firmly believe that the people who have responded that way to you just do NOT get it.

I understand exactly how you are feeling. I was raised as you describe. My husband was not, but had become a Christian 2 years prior to our marriage. (we've also been married 3 years) I was very upset when I discovered him watching an R rated movie while I was sleeping. It was no big deal to him, but it certainly was to me. He is from UK and over there, the regular TV channels show unedited movies - nudity, F-words and all.

A couple of calm, detailed conversations with him about how him watching those movies made ME feel, he began to alter his viewing habits. When you wrote, I feel like his movies are more important to him because he cant give them up to make things better. - I think that's the most important thing you said.

If it were the other way around, I am SURE he would not be comfortable with it. If you have tried to talk to him about this and he refuses to take you seriously and stop doing it, then I do believe there is a problem here.

YOU ARE NOT A PRUDE to feel this way. I can't believe someone -- a man, no less -- would be so rude as to say that to you. That attitude is a huge part of the problem! Bob's "get over it, prude" attitude, Letmeknow's "every body does it" attitude. Not helping!!

You have every reason to feel this way -- I completely understand it. I agree that it IS inappropriate for a husband to be watching other women in various states of undress, I don't care WHAT common society says about it. I would suggest to try what I did and pray hard for God to open his eyes - if not to the inappropriateness of it, then to YOUR FEELINGS!! That is what is important. Find different ways to let him know how badly it makes you feel and pray that God will help him to be receptive to it. One good Light Bulb Moment could make all the difference here!!

Something like this can cause a lot of trouble between you two -- I know first hand. Don't let anyone convince you that it's YOUR problem. Give your husband a chance to "get it", he still may.

Thank you so much Maeplus, wow I am not alone in this world after all. You made some great points thanks for all your encouragement.

I think you both have problems, getting this bent out of shape over something on television or in a movie has to be a very petty problem. If your husband told you that whenever you put on makeup made HIM feel like crap, and he fealt strongly about you wearing makeup would you stop doing it, or would you try to show him that it's not that big of a deal. Like I said your values are your values, and to force them onto someone else is wrong. You should have discussed this before you got married, and made your choice then. It seems like both of you are married to the wrong man, you should go seek someone with the same views as you.

I am married to the wrong man? Where do you get off saying something like that? You are telling me I should divorce my husband and go find someone else because I let him know it hurts me if he watches movies with nudity? Why are you here? Please don't give advice to anyone else on these boards until you understand the Basics!

In fact, I've been reading these boards for quite a while now and I've not seen your kind of attitude anywhere else. If you're not going to be compassionate and helpful, then you really shouldn't post. Your words and attitude are mean, at the very least, and completely unnecessary. I let kjoy know that I understand exactly how she is apparently feeling, and for that I'm told I have a petty problem and married the wrong person?

As a matter of fact, Bobo, my husband and I DO have the same values. We also care about each other's feelings and don't cry "PETTY!" When I explained to him how his watching R-rated movies made me feel, he stopped BECAUSE he loves me, even though he didn't think it was a "big deal". It is the same for anything else we discuss in our relationship.

The fact that you're comparing nudity outside of marriage to wearing makeup shows you really don't get it. But, let me try to help you out. If my husband said that when I wear makeup, it makes him feel like crap, you'd better believe I'd stop wearing it. Me wearing makeup is not more important than how he feels about it. I would also try to get to the root of why it was causing him to feel that way -- because I care about him. I would NOT tell him he is being petty.

True love marriage is about wanting to meetyour spouses Emotional Needs. etc... have you read the Basics of this website? kjoy's husband is NOT meeting her needs by refusing to stop doing something that is hurting her. It violates everything taught on this website.

As for discussing our values before marriage, we certainly did. However, there is NO way to discuss everything beforehand that will be coming up. Therefore, when this came up, I found a couple of different ways of expressing my feelings about it, and he compassionately agreed to stop.

Why are you so hostile toward us? My husband isn't suffering, there is no need to be defensive on his behalf -- in fact, he was extremely unimpressed with your response.

You say on your own "wedding soon, need help" post that you're willing to give "200%" to your own upcoming marriage... really? Your attitude here is not that of someone who is willing to be that giving! Think about it! Seriously!

You are already having problems in your relationship and yet you want to get married anyway and just let everything work itself out once married. What?! And then you turn around and tell kjoy and me that we are married to the wrong men and we should divorce them and find someone else?! No, it seems you haven't read the Basic Concepts of this site. So, please don't try to help anyone else until you do! Please! Many of the people are hurting, for many different reasons, and we don't need you to be rude and mean to us.

It is not my intention to be rude back to you. That clarified, I feel I must say to please do that poor girl a favor and break it off while you might be able to get your wedding deposits back.

Go Maeplus!

Go Maeplus and Kjoy! First of all, you're exactly right - anyone who cannot post thoughtful comments designed to assist the person asking for advice should just keep to him/herself. Judgmental comments are not helpful to anyone! We do not all have to have the same values and opinions in order to all respect one another's values and opinions.

And regarding your reason for posting in the first place, I agree with you wholeheartedly. A married couple may not always have *exactly* the same moral boundaries, but they do have to understand and respect each other's moral boundaries. The issue here isn't whether or not watching these movies is ok or not ok. It's ok if you're a couple who believes it's ok, and it's not ok if you're a couple who believes that it's not ok! The issue is that both people in the relationship need to find a way to come to an understanding that both are comfortable with, with neither feeling like they're giving too much more than the other.

I wish I had good advice to give, but I am struggling with a very similar issue. I will be checking out the advice you get, and I hope you will check out mine, too. It is "need advice, please!" under "Negotiating in Marriage." I, too, received a hateful reply, in which the person called me a "shrew" and told me they pitied me. So sad!

Well! I agree with you that he needs not to be watching that kind of thing on tv or at the movies.

Most women feel uncomfortable watching another women on tv parading naked or half clothed,
Sex seens or simulated sex are used to tittilate the male, it has been proven that men get aroused
it is one of the problems in my marriage.

I was married almost 40 years minus the years we were legally separated 3 years but of and on he was gone 5 years and towards the end..it is funny you would mention this because he started watching this stuff. it starts out with soft stuff
and end up with other things girls with girls 3 somes you can imagine. I didn't watch it.
I do know we both back in 76 took part in anti pornography issue and did letters to the editor and he wrote a great letter at that time but the when he hit 55 he changed his values. Was a battle ground with that and drugs and changing of personality.

it's good to adress this now before it gets out of hand.
go research at Dr Dobsons site focus on the family he did a good study on this.
I will pray for you and don't sit and watch it with him..but yes let him know in a calm way.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> same with playboy same thing when they say they
don't look at the pictures and read the articles..well I READ an article and I tell you it promotes slime 3 somes and things that are bringing someone else in the bedroom..and that to me is wrong.
God created us to be with one man.
we don't need to watch that stuff, it is someones daughter being degraded and to me it is sitting taking part in rape. (or their promiscuity.makes me feel dirty watching) I also got the sick feeling I know you get when he is watching it.

Plus why watch it when you can be enjoying each other!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
You are NOT a prude

I left a message at BobOs message before coming here now IF I had seen this first I would probably NOT posted there or written something different. I Believe he definetly needs councelling before marriage because he is probably marrying some sweet innocent girl and
she will find out he watches this and her life will be shattered along with her self esteem.
BobO maybe needs to talk to his girlfriend if he does watch it she gets icy to him and shuts him down when he has watched it. which is our normal reaction to when they watch this and come to bed and get cozy, I would always turn my back then. Other times I would welcome him.

the thing is mine went as far to go to a club in san francisco we were with friends it was an amusement type place he took us too,
they got us on the bumper cars and waited till they started up (this was planned..we were both 8 months pregnant) they jumped off the cars and went and played basketball tossing balls (missing everytime.) the girl had on panties and a scarf thats all draped around her neck a see through one.so when she would bend over her boobs would show..well when we saw that we told them lets go..when we got out of the cars.they didn't they
ignored us so we left.they finally caught up with us 5 minutes later walking to the car..we got home and we argued. the other couple argued and they split up over it.She was sick of the stuff he was involved in.

so don't feel like a prude, you need to stand for what you believe..I needed to be stronger and I needed to leave him then but didn't. he was double minded ad the bible calls them he was like who he was with so we had problems off and on throughout our marriage..HE was a man pleaser instead of a God pleaser, men need to realize that we want a strong man who will love us and think of our feelings take us into consideration
that is actually why you get married is to be with each other.

Forsaken all others for as long as you both shall live!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

leaving and cleaving. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I hope you work it out..it sort of went in cycles with mine he was bad at saying no and he was impulsive and didn't think it would bother me was the answers..shrug.
enough said..WE ARE NOT PRUDES...nope..
Healthy and want husbands to bless us!

BTW I have not watched TV since he has moved out.
I have a big screen tv I just don't care to watch
the type of programs that are on. I do listen to christian music and watch certain teaching videos

there are lots of other things to do fun things like hiking, biking, sailing, picnics. being together doing other things museams not sitting watching other people degrading themselves or children being disrespectful or promoting homosexuality etc etc.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Will pray that his concience gets the best of him.
and God convicts him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
God bless..and I will be praying for you both.
Keep on Keeping on!

I have to tell you that nothing surprises me anymore ! DO NOT... I repeat, DO NOT feel like you are the only woman dealing with this issue.It does not matter what age or race you are. I am a 24 year old mother of a 6 year old boy.My boyfriend and i have been together for 5 years but living together for almost 3 years. we are not married but that is not the case...
I consider myself to be an attractive mature woman, sexually open ( w/boyfriend only)educated.
I was not raised like you. i had exposure to almost anything i was willing to see BUT chose not to.ILL GET TO THE used: POINT
Before i met my boyfriend i did not know he collected PLAYBOY magazines ( I personally find them desrespectful) i found them when i was cleaning his closet and i was just surprised.I guess i felt cheated just like you said. what makes it right for him to see these magazines portraying UNREAL WOMEN...?IHave to tellyou that it made myself esteem go down to <0>
all that i kept thinking was : How can he tell me that i am beautiful and that he finds me extremly sexually attractive when what i find him looking at are exagerated naked bodies <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
NOT RIGHT!!! I myself acted childish i wanted for him to see mypoint of view.I searched for a website where you can see man. He saw that i had gone to this particular website and BELIEVE me he had fit:D he did not like the thought of me looking at another man NOT EVEN PICTURES!!!We good communication and i told him that the same way he was feeling i felt.We talked about his magazines and he no longer has any... He knows how uncomfortable it makes me feel and after hiting heads on these issue WE ARE NOW AT PEACE. Can't advice you how to solve your problem but i can only tell you you are NOT ALONE
Good Luck!! And let us know what happens <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

well I did post something but it didn't show up so I will do this again.

here is a url for you to go to. for a booklet online you can read. about pornography and other things..
when a mans eye wanders

web page RBC MINISTRIES

my e-mail earthangel@telcomplus.net

<small>[ May 21, 2003, 04:44 AM: Message edited by: SadEyes ]</small>

Thank-you everyone for you helpful responses. I just wanted to say that I checked out that website and read the article called "when a mans eye wanders". It was really helpful there is just one problem, my husband isnt into porn- at least that I know of but that is because his definition of porn is different from mine. I kept reading along and found the part where it defines porn. Here is a quote from RBC Ministries, "What makes material pornographic is its intent to cause sexual arousal. There are 2 different definitions, one is soft core and the other one is hard core. Soft-core pornography features naked or scantily clothed women. It highlights breasts and genitalia but shows no sexual intercourse. Hard-core pornography includes various forms of sexual penetration, forced and unforced, between two or more people."
Suddenly I realized that I was right, about the movies, they actually do contain porn- soft core porn. We are talking about movies that you can rent everyday and even watch for free on tv channels like tnt. I'm not crazy, and I am so glad that I met up with all of you who have shared good insight with me. Thank-you all.
Oh I want to mention that I found some other great articles at Dr. Dobson's website.

www.boundless.org/2000/departments/atplay/a0000249.html

www.family.org/married/romance/a0018672.cfm

www.boundless.org/2001/departments/atplay/a0000612.html

And a great movie review website, where you can actually screen everything in it from language- nudity, is www.screenit.com

Here is one of the ongoing battles, I had my husband read the definition of what soft core porn is and he just said that people just made up a definition and he doesn't believe it. How will he ever understand the way I feel when he can't even believe the people who have done the research. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Ok ya'll, Im about to lose it! Tonight after my husband read that article, he purposely started watching things that we dont normally- or I should say that he doesn't watch when I'm around. He knew that it was making me upset, but did it anyway. When I started talking to him about the things that bother me he just said "You are so annoying". I am so sick of people looking at me like it is my problem. His brother was around today and had mentioned something about going and seeing a certain movie. Well I looked it up on screenit.com just days before. My husband said no, about going to that movie. That is all he said. To which his brother replied "Why not I thought that you loved the first one?" So then of course it was an awkward moment. Later his brother asks me, "why cant he go see it? Is it because there are girls in it?" I said no that isnt why maybe you should ask your brother. My husband gave him no explanation and rather had a really disrespectful attitude towards me about it. Why can't he just tell him? I know it is because he really does want to see it and will just wait until I'm not around. Does that make it right? Here I am looking like a fool to his brother because he isnt man enough to speak up.
I am so upset right now. I don't know how much longer I can go on living like this with him. Yes we have marriage counseling, but guess what- our couselors are married husband and wife ministers with whom we are also friends with. Well a few weeks ago there daughter brought over some terrible movies that were straight out of there home video library. Now tell me how these people aren't going to look at me and think I'm crazy. I'm sorry I just keep going on and on.
Another thing that bothers me is that it has been a week since we have been intimate in any way. I feel like he doesn't feel attracted to me sexually anymore. We have only been married for 3 years now. How does he expect me to feel good about the things he is watching when he makes no time for me in the bedroom. He falls asleep on the couch almost everynight watching tv. I constantly keep asking him if we could turn the tv off and spend time together and he just gets angry at me. I never had a self esteem issue until the past 2 years now of our marriage. I feel like I have to live up to the women on the tv and in the movies. When I try turning him on he is too tired and rejects me.
I just dont know what to do anymore, I start feeling like I married the wrong person.