I have been married 22 years, have 2 grown children and just as I believed our life together was about to start anew things have suddenly changed.

My husband announced one day that he intended to buy a motorcycle (I thought he was joking). 2-weeks later without any discussion, he did. It has been a source of contention between us ever since.

I know that from recently reading the book His needs/her need that my sarcasm regarding the bike are not helping and I am making an effort to stop.
But, how do I not feel resentful? He always wants to ride now, he goes to the garage just to take a look. He is offended because I call it his new girlfriend "Haley". He actually told me to stop trivializing the bike. He wants the 3 of us to bond (his words, not mine).

I also believe it has something to do with finanical support. We have two kids in college and bills piled high. He has a great job and within the next few years we see things taking a turn for the better. We married young and have always lived a distance from home. So I have no real support and I though he was my best friend.

He has also started going to the bar after work with co-workers. He always invites me but, I hate bars. The smoke, the loudness, the fact he always picks up the tab....I just need advice, help from people who don't really know me. Tell me a perspective that I may not of thought of.

<small>[ May 21, 2003, 08:59 AM: Message edited by: AquaNan ]</small>

AquaNan,

I don't want to sound critical but what is the problem here? Your H is looking to add some excitement in his life. Is it mandatory that he run all his decisions through you? I know a motorcycle is an expensive gift for oneself but I don't think you should resent it. If it makes him happy won't that help in your marriage? You wouldn't want your H to deny you something you wanted would you?

If fear of abandonment is what your feeling then I might suggest you telling him something positive about the bike but in the same breath ask that you want to find some common activity that you could do as a couple. "Honey, I think it's great you've found something that makes you happy. I was hoping we could find something that we could do together that would give both of us pleasure."

As an example, my W used to give me a hard time about playing golf. I played about half as much as I wanted and she wanted me to play less. She was less than supportive when I suggested I was going to play a round or two. After we talked it over we came to a win-win compromise where I can golf as much as I want so long as I try to do more home chores and plan more activities with her and the kids. We're working that plan and I believe we're all a lot happier.