I am writing this in hopes someone can explain to me that I am not the only one this hurts. My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years and have been together 4 years total. He has a bad habit of leering at women with large breasts, cleavage, provocative clothing, etc. Not just a glance of surprise or a glance and turn away. He can follow one of these women all over the room and not take his eyes off of her for a long, long time. I have been to marriage therapists with him and have tried to understand his point of view that it means nothing to him. However, I have had enough. I wish I had noticed it more before we were married, but I did not or maybe did not want to. But it does hurt my feelings and I'm not sure what to do about it. The therapy has been going on for a year sporadically because he is away a lot. I'm not sure it will ever change because he says even if he were aware of it all the time, as he is some of the time, it is still my issue to deal with. I don't feel bad unattractive, I stay in good shape, work out and like my own body. So envy is not the problem here. I've examined that. It is the fact that my husband is so easily taken in by other women's bodies.
Any advice would be helpful.
Gailstj

Dear gailstj,

I would state that, even as a man, I know a lot of guys that can be pretty disrespectful to women when it comes to gaulking.

This discussion would eventually lead to topics about human habits dating back to who knows when. Survival of the fitest, etc.

I will tell you that this issue is not your problem as he states but really is his. What he is telling you is that he finds it more appealing to stare at other women than to respect you and your wishes.

Earlier in my marriage my SIL once stated to my W that she was so jealous because she noticed I would never look at other women. Now I know I looked at other women and I don't think there is anything wrong with it, but this is an area where a little tact and being discreet goes a long way. Now that W and I have been married for a while my W has commmented to me that she has noticed me noticing other women more often and that it makes her feel bad. Because I respect my W and love her to death I have been making conscious choices to be more careful.

My advice would be to tell your H that he can oogle women but he should do it when your not around.

Keep in mind that even though women may dress provactively not all of them liked being oogled so he's disrespecting them as well. I think most women like an occassional glance but a steady stare can be pretty uncomfortable.

It's great that you stay in shape and are happy with your own body. Keep up with it because that certainly has to help eliminate the 'green with envy' feeling. I know women can get pretty competitive when it comes to 'Who looks the best!'
I think it's comical when my W tells me I'm too competitive.

When you notice your H doing this stuff maybe you could do something to distract him. Get in his face and give him a smile, a kiss/hug or some other type of physical contact. Test him to see if he reciprocates. If he doesn't then he's really treading on thin ice.

PS: You'll get more responses if you post on the emotional needs section. There are a lot of users watching this area.

My Husband does the same thing and it's driving me up the wall too. We've been together for almost 3 years and married for 8 months. We have seen a counselor also. He just slid through about six different reasons why he was doing it. Finally I suggested that maybe he got rejected by blondes as a young awkward man and now that he's quite handsome as an adult these women no longer ignore him and maybe he's feeling triumphant and this feling gets him "high" and he has a hard time giving it up. He agreed it was possible but I got the feeling that whatever I came up with he'd see it as an excuse to keep doing it and not a reason to stop.

If that's not really it then I don't know what is. I've studied other men and they don't do it with nearly the frequency that my husband does.

This is so persistant it's like a stain that won't come out. I just keep trying to get to the root of his needs so he can realize that he doesn't need to do this. But I don't think he really wants to stop.

I work with men like this (law enforcement). One in particualar has had women throwing themselves at him since the first day he put on a uniform. He's been married for 25 years and cheated most of them. Now 20 years into the job and he just looks like a pathetic, leering old man. He's physically gorgeous, but his whole hungry wolf routine just makes me think he's dirty.