I've been married for 9 years and the past 8 of those have been great. For the past few months I've found my wife retreating more and more to our bedroom and leaving the kids and me in the living room. Generally if we try to draw her out to be with us we are greeted with anger. I've found that she frequents a general chit-chat message board that is populated mainly by teenage guys. I began to get worried when I noticed that anytime I walked into our bedroom she was always at the computer and when she'd hear me coming she'd hurry up and close whatever she had open. Many nights I'd wake up and she wasn't in bed, but in front of her PC on the forum. I began going to message board from my PC and discovered that while most of the guys there flirted with her via posts, there were two guys in particular that always alluded to personal messages they had sent her. Finally one guy posted a PM she had sent him that was pretty racy. I confronted her about it and she went off on me. We agreed she wouldn't go there anymore We put it behind us and didn't speak of it anymore. A week later (on Mother's Day no less) I received an e-mail from one of the guys berating me for not allowing my wife to go to the site to chat. However, he referred to my wife as my girlfriend. I soon discovered that she never mentioned she was married on the forum. She only hinted that she had a boyfriend. Then she went on to give out my personal info (name, where we live, etc.) I felt betrayed by her, but not wanting to throw away our 9 years and two children and everything else we have together, I tried finding a solution to our problem. She kept saying I'm just paranoid and never addressed any of my concerns (especially getting the e-mail from "the guy"). We tried putting it behind us again with her agreeing not to go to the site at all, but every day since she agreed to that she is constantly asking me if its okay to go back there yet. I feel like she's addicted to the site or perhaps to the people she's interacting with. Its clear that no matter what I offer her or try to change, she is constantly drawn to this site. I've tried having discussions with her, but she just bottles up and won't talk. I've tried taking her out to take the forum off of her mind, but even during dinner she has asked if it way okay to go back. I'm at a loss and don't know where to go from here. My wife isn't offering any suggestions or help in the matter. She just insists I'm overreacting and that she's done nothing wrong. What should be our next step to get over this?

Dear G&G
Don't know much about internet addiction, think I could be on the way there with this forum <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It sounds like you guys are in the midst of a brainbashing time. And it hurts both of you.

I wonder if wife would consider it an addiction for real - and then get help.

Have you tried flirting with her instead, and meeting the needs that the other guys are meeting so far. This connection is only on an emotional level so far. You do have the time and opportunity to woo her back to you too. Fighting her is just going to drive her further from you.

Try to keep calm. Stop and think of the impact of your words, and what you really want to achieve.

Yes I know how betrayed you feel. But hey, you love your wife, she loves you, she is just in what is called her 'fog' - can't see the wood for the trees.

Read up on plan 'A'. It's all about being the best you can be for yourself, to be happy, not reliant on anybody, and to let your partner know by observation, how wonderful you truly are.

Perhaps Mrs G. just feels she can't talk to you as freely as she can on internet, any thoughts why? Anger is a very scary emotion to most women even if they are the ones being angry. I have found my H uses anger when he is hidding something that he would much rather share but didn't know how to talk to me - or was afraid of how I would react, judging me on my own history.

When you say she won't join you and the kids in the family room. Is it really worth her while? Or does she have to face into chores, hostility, nagging, things that would make her want to bolt?

Part of the point to plan 'A' from what I understand is to make your own life pleasant, for no alterior motive, but to enjoy yourself, while being dignified and respectful to your partner, so that they can see you having this good life, fun and actually want to join you, not coerced or forced, but willingly return to your table. It is a very emotionally tough/draining thing to do, but is appearantly worth it.

Here is a link that maybe useful
How do I get to plan 'A'

There are other topics here under internet addiction, even drug and alchohol, basically all addictions seem to be treated the same way.

Please don't take offence, but you could consider treating this like an on'line affair, though I would be extremely cautious voiceing that opinion to your wife, just act on it and do a good plan 'A' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Keep your spirits high.

Good luck in your quest.
Ktulu

The real question is do you still feel comfortable with your wife. And is that a mutual feeling with the both of you. You have to stop and reflect on your own relationship with your wife. Are you doing all you can to care for her personal needs as a husband.
These are the questions you have to ask yourself..
Where is most of my time spent?
For alot of the people i have talked to the husband and wife are living 2 complete seperate lives under one roof. Alot of couples fear getting into conversation with thier mates for fear of another fight.
I think from reading your post. Your wife needs more personal attention. If she is resorting to using the internet as an emotional tool, She is only doing that because she has that neglect at home.
Take time to show her you care, sometimes, yes that involves upbuilding conversations. Not small talk, just asking her genunine questions, viewpoint questions. And this will believe it or not allow you too see a whole new side of her that you never knew before. People change from the point you marry them. Thier views on life, thier experiences etc.. You must make time for communication. And that is ONE key to a happy marrage.

Good Morning Goofus&Gallant,
I hope your sleep patterns have improved for you.

I found this link - take heart the title is a little scarey, but the reality is it may not apply to you yet, you have time, and opportunity on your side, to put the work in yourself to make your wife interested.

Internet Addiction

Again try to be calm and rational, but most of all the kind of man your wife would feel comfortable being honest about her feelings with.

Good luck
Ktulu

Hi,

I have gone through exactly what you describe your wife is doing. I was in a period of depression with my life in general. I was very unhappy with my marriage, husband, children, work and all the stress that being a full time professional, Mother, wife, nursemaid..etc brought with it.

I installed a chat software and started having EAs with men. All about 5 - 6 years younger than I. They made me feel so good and desirable, and that my opinion counted. They hung on to every word I said and fed my self esteem and I was living in a fantasy cyber world. I removed myself and made myself emotionally unavailable for my family and resented them if they interfered with my plans to get online and get my feel good fix. My H, like you eventually caught me doing it, he was very upset. The more he insisted that I stop it, the more I wanted to do it. It was definitely an addiction and I wanted to feel good all the time. We talked about why I did it. I explained to him how I felt he always discounted my feelings, how I felt so taken advantaged of by him and the kids. I was at an age(41) where I wanted to be happy, and he was not making me happy. I tell you it was a rough road for me, because I knew I was living in a fantasy cyber world and I didn't want to stop. But now after 2 years I am finally winding down and do not do it with the frequency that I had originally.

A large part of my doing it revolved around sex. I was totally un-horny with my H, and these guys gave my libido the boast it needed which is why I was so addicted to doing it.

I'm sorry I can't relate to you, what could have stopped me from doing it. I can help you understand why she is probably doing it.

sorry about your wife. I really feel bad for your kids.
can you send a virus to the computer to put her out of business <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

of course you will have to do without it.
can you live without the computer?
or do you depend on it?

you can actually go and log her conversations go I am not sure where she goes but there is a feature to log all conversations..do it when she is out go and do it . then take a hammer and smash
the monitor..not the modem.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

that will keep her off it..but with what she is doing I doubt she is going to complain to anyone that you did it, because what is she going to say.
Well I was visiting chat with the boys and he got angry..

how old are your children? tell her someone could turn her in for child neglect when your not home.

does she realize she is neglecting all of you?
she might get angry but if you handle the bills foget to pay internet service next time.
I think you need to get her help or help her go cold turkey. I know if you spill coke into the keyboard and it dries some of hew letters won't work so h r s u ff w ll loo l k th s do you know what that says? it says so her stuff will look like this..see what a differece a few letters make..look make the l's disapear o's some of the vowels..haha..
anyway there are ways to sabotage her puter it's up to you. you need to get wife and mom back..those kids need her..to bad if she is angry it is summer time..they need mom. time to have fun geeeeee..
why not agree no tv and no puter for one month and all get back to nature...time.
go for walks go to the zoo go to the bay. go fly kites play frisbee there are lots to do..all of you go play..have fun...take care and Enjoy life.
take care and keep on keeping on..

(I am soo sad for you and the children) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />