Okay, I've been off and on with Marriagebuilders for over a year. I've read the material, tried to use it in my everyday life with my dh, whom I love with all my heart, and I've taken the Emotional Needs test. BUT, my dh has no interest in doing any of this: he doesn't want to read about it, talk about it, look at it, nothing. He feels that I analyze things too much. He feels that if a particular point of disagreement comes up and we argue about it, then its done. We did go to marriage counseling for a few months and it was helpful, but even there he didn't want to address the problems that I felt were important, he only wanted to discuss his stressful work situation. The original reason we went to counseling was because I discovered that he used my cell phone to call 900 #'s. He never actually connected, but the fact that he tried, with my cell phone, I felt was a way of his reaching out to me to let me know that something wasn't right. He said he was just curious, but he's 41 years old and I'm fairly certain that in his years as an adult independent man (we married at 31) he had plenty of opportunities for this curiousity. He did concede that he had been under a lot of stress at the time. And I can recall clearly that while he was stressed with work, I was feeling overburdened with home and kids and my own job. We were able to get past it through counseling and pick our way through some other issues, but I can see the beginning of the same types of patterns happening right now and I'm firghtened that we may lose what little intimacy is left of our relationship. There is a huge part of me that would like to sell our home, move into a condo (little or no yard work) and cut our expenses so we didn't feel so much pressure and stress.

I understand that his business is stressful and that it is a real sruggle for him to run his own business (he's not very good at it, but I could never say that to him), he really really works hard and long hours, which often results in his putting his family last (**me**). When he's not working so hard he'a a great dad to my children (13/15 girls) and husband. But mostly, he's 'absent', not there even when he's in the house. I feel like, in addition to working outside the home full time, that I do everything to run the home, the cleaning, cooking, errands, shopping, take charge of the kids, etc., but he doens't appreciate that. He contributes with garbage day and dog walking before he leaves in the morning. He also took a weekend to put a roof on my mom's house (700 miles away). He's not a bad guy, I love him, but I just would like some more time with him home and to have and enjoy the intimacy we've shared in the past. I don't even want to make love, I just want to laugh, cuddle and kiss - a lot. I miss him terribly and his being absent so much makes me angry and resentful. Since most of the time I'm making decisions without him in regards to the kids, I sometimes do that and then he gets furious that I made a decision without consulting him first. I'm having tremendous difficulty maintaining the closeness and intimacy with a man whose almost never around and when he is, he's too tired to talk or sleeps. We used to have our weekends with him working an occasional Saturday. We'd have such fun on Sundays, either hanging around the house, yard work, bike riding, hiking, etc. Now, we never do anything as a family unless its an obligatory family thing or if he CAN'T work. Our life seemed so easy then and now its just overrun with work obligations, taking care of the house, etc.

So, in all this, I'm the only one who's willing to actually work at getting back what I feel we're losing. He just gets angry with me when I say stuff like, "I'd really like to start nurturing our marriage a little more, spend more time alone together" Or, "I miss you". So, what do I do if I'm the only one in this marriage who 1) Sees the problem, and 2) Desires a change?

Thanks in advance to anyone who has any suggestions or comments!

Sugarjo, I'm not going to be able to help you in anyway as reading your post is very similar to my situation, and was hoping I could get some advice as well.

My husband is also a great guy. I love him dearly and would never want to go through a divorce again. (BTDT!) He knows there is a problem, but refuses to do anything about it. I am not, nor will I become, a nag. And like some other posters for different problems, if he DOESN'T approach me with a desire, I will not beg. (don't jump on me all those out there who will tell me to make the first move, tried that, failed miserably).

For us, every other aspect of the marriage is great. We love each other, enjoy each other's company, work well together. But no sex. It's been an insidious thing, less and less (3-4 times a YEAR maybe). Last attempt was humiliating as it ended right in the middle. Of course, I didn't want him to feel bad, and did everything I could to brush it off. But then he put the burden onto me telling me to go "online" and look up what the problem could be. We're both nurses. We both KNOW what the problem could be. To address this, firstly, if it's not MY physical problem, why should I look up the info? Secondly, and more importantly, he has no intention of doing anything about it, so WHAT is the point?

The fact that it most likely is a physical problem and that he is not even attempting to fix it drives me to a point of total isolation. It makes me feel as if that part of OUR life is not of any importance. He might very well be afraid, and that would be justified, but is sweeping it under the rug the answer? If you go to a doctor, unfortunately, all they want to do is give you a script for the little blue pill. He doesn'tTAKE pills, so he wouldn't do that. But if he DID, this would compound another issue of mine, and that would be BOREDOM. His repetoire in that area has completely disppeared. So not only are we not intimate at all, if we were, I would not get any enjoyment out of it.

Now, don't get me wrong again, we've discussed this stuff. We USED to have a fantastic intimate relationship. He was incredible.
Now, nothing. No attempt. No affair, so let's not even waste time on that. Just nothing.

He won't go to a marriage counselor. Certainly would NEVER go to a sex therapist and has already told me he won't see a regular doctor.

I do not want to be ANYONE'S obligation, but there are days that the hurt from this is so intense that I can't even look at him.

Any advice?

I can sympathize with your situation as my first marriage consisted of the same sexual circumstances. It basically got to the point where there was no conversation about it allowed, I felt completely alone and, despite my best efforst to fill my time with other things, I finally came to the conclusion that I was better off without him. Being only 30 at the time, I was fairly certain that there was more to life than that.

My current situation (now 40) is very different from that scenario as my husband and I do have sex, just not as frequently as it used to be - mostly because he's always tired or I'm always annoyed about that - lol. Besides, I'd be happy just to be with my husband without the actual 'act', if you know what I mean. I'm not so overwhelmingly looking for the intercourse, as much as I am the stuff that occurs before...the holding, sharing of ideas and laughter, cuddling, kissing, perhaps a little exploration. My husband is a 'missionary' kind of guy as well, hardly ever mixes it up, but for the most part, we enjoy eachother well. I also think that I'm starting menopause, so that has thrown me for a small loop in the bedroom as well, but I'm working on it. I really do think that my husband tries at least. But if I bring it up or try and talk about our issues, he becomes impatient and annoyed with me.

For you, I would suggest that you head to a good marriage counselor who understands a woman's perspective. Hopefully, you will be able to share your ideas and feelings comfortably and perhaps gain some insight as to plan your future. One thing I do know is that even though I've already survived one divorce and have sworn off another, I would do it in a heartbeat if it became apparent that my husband was not interested AT ALL in working at our marriage for longer than a one year period. I'd give it at least a year to try and repair but I think I'd call it quits very shortly after that mark. There are some here who probably think that's too soon, but my feeling is that life is too short to be miserable waiting around for his/her partner to realise that. Pl

Oops - I hit the wrong button and my post posted too soon. Anyway, the jist of my message to you is to get counseling for yourself, and hopefully your husband will follow suit!!

As for me and mine, I'll wait to see if anyone else can offer any advice. Meanwhile, I'll take it one day at a time, try and do my best to be a good partner, allowing him this time to figure out whatever it is he needs to figure out.

Thanks sugarjo. I cannot fathom the idea of divorce on so many levels. And, when taken apart, this is just a small part of marriage, when I look at the bigger picture it shouldn't be such a big deal. For me, it's part of who I am. It's part of who we were. When other men approach me and make these inuendos and I then look at my husband like "why don't YOU want me?" it severely undermines what little self esteem I already have.
I want to seek counselling but the idea infuriates him and he thinks it's a waste of money, so there's another issue for me.

At any rate, I do hope your hubby realizes how much the marriage means to you. My first one refused to see the forest from the trees until it was waaayy too late, and no amount of love or respect could be salvaged.

Good luck.

Even if your husband doesn't want to go to counseling you should still go - for you!!! You need some support while you mottle through all this stuff.

In my opinion sex is a VERY important part of marriage. Not just having it to get off, but the expressions that are conveyed by making love with your spouse. All marriages go through dry spells where there isn't much action but it's not healthy to almost never have sex.

bento627: Most counselors can be covered by your insurance if there is a "medical" reason, ie: depression, etc. For the price of a co-pay you can get some good help. Doesn't hurt to try!

Thanks limbolady. I feel almost like roommates myself, and I often wonder why he wanted to get married in the first place? If he just wanted a roommate or something platonic, that would have been fine! But why be so amorous and convince me of a fantastic sexual bond, to then go to zero? I could have stayed single and done my own thing, you know?

It's really confusing.
But thanks for writing.