This is not easy, but I need help.

My wife thinks I raped her. I am not sure. I know I was wrong, but I do not think it was 'rape'. Before I get Bashed, please let me finish.

We were having sex for about 20 minutes. I was almost ready to orgasm, and the converstation went like this.
Her: Ok you need to stop now, it is hurting
Me: Baby I am almost there
Her: You need to stop, it hurts.
Me: Are you serious (begins orgasm)
Her: Yes STOP!

(the whole thing was 30-45 seconds, It was not like I kept going for 5 minutes, or even one. My orgasm was RIGHT there.)

Ok, I already know I should have stopped the first time she said stop, and I have always stopped before. I can not excuse myself, other then to say that if orgasm had not been so close, I would have stopped.

I know I hurt her. I know I was selfish. I do not know if that is rape or not. She has told her girlfriend and mother that I have raped her. Now wants to get out of an abusive, dangerous relationship, and see what is out there.

If I raped her, I want to get better. I want to get counciling. I plan on that either way. She says I minimilize what happened by saying that I did not rape her. I dont know. I asked some female friends and they all said "no, it is not rape. You should have not been so selfish, but that is not rape." This just makes it worse.
I know that in her mind she has been raped, and that is all that matters. What can I do. She says she does not know if she can forgive me, and may leave me.

Please HELP.
also. I HAVE NEVER NOT STOPPED BEFORE, EVER.

<small>[ June 14, 2003, 11:38 PM: Message edited by: Gaidin ]</small>

This board is not very busy...especially on the weekends. Try the Emotional Needs Board.

You say it was 45 seconds... how long does she say it was?

Counseling is probably your best option.

If it really was only that amount of time, I definitely wouldn't consider it rape. Just for clarification, I am a woman. I'm curious about why you talked about not ever not stopping before. Does she frequently ask you to stop during the sex act? That seems a bit odd. Is there a physical or psychological issue involved? If she's just getting dry, which happens to most of us at times, a bit of lubricant would really help. I agree with ILuv that counseling would be a big help right now. I'm also a bit disturbed that she's telling her girlfriend and mother about this. I'm very open and honest with my mother but we don't have detailed discussions about our sex lives. Sounds like you two have some issues to resolve about your sex life, and I wish you both the best.

Well, when we have gone over it, in my mind i had the number 30-45 seconds, when I asked her friend, I even said maybe 60 seconds at the most.

I happened to look at the clock when she said stop the first time, and was looking at it when I first orgasmed, and the minute never changed. So honestly it was no more then a minute.

When I discussed it with her, I told her I could not see it as rape, and I said From the time You asked me to stop the first time, till I orgasmed was not very long, she said "It was longer then you think, it was at least 45 seconds"

So according to her, it was no more then 45 seconds. She has asked me to stop before, and I have. Every time. Her girlfriend has even told me she admitted it.

I have a counseling appointment on Friday.

<small>[ June 14, 2003, 11:35 PM: Message edited by: Gaidin ]</small>

I don't believe it was rape either. But please make sure you stop next time she says she's in pain with it. Maybe a little more gentleness and slowness may help during that time also.

I'm curious if she has ever been raped before
by someone in the past. If she has, she is still
struggling in her mind with you in the love making dept.

Please just love her, and accept her wishes for now. But don't let her over-exaggeration of the incident bother you. I believe she was hurt because you did not stop, but it's not rape. Please stop the next time, if she wishes.

Just let her know you are very sorry, and that you will not let that happen again. And that you would never want to hurt her. She needs to feel secure.

Yes I believe counseling will help and also a sex therapist for both of you. If she is experiencing pain during love making, something is definitely wrong.

A very touchy subject.

I hope and pray the best for you both!!

---ladysheep

Gaidin,

Do you mind if I post a link on the Emotional Needs board to your thread?

I thought I'd add my thoughts though...

I disagree with your wife, having been in similar feelings/situations myself. Even though I though, "OMG, he tried something he KNOWS I don't want or like, and didn't stop immediately when I said." I felt a bit violated, but then, I got the story from him...he didn't realize "where" he was, but once he did, he quit...that sort of thing. It was resolved through talking, not speculation, and breaking his confidence by telling someone else.

But, don't get mad with her. She may not understand the implications just yet. Or, she may. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Try apologizing, I'd say. Something like this:

G (you): Honey, I want to talk about what happened. First, I want you to know, I'm going for counseling. But, please just listen for now. I know it was hurting you, now. I know I should have stopped IMMEDIATELY when you asked me to. It was such a shock, because I was ready to ejaculate. It's hard for a man to stop just then, but if I hadn't been so surprised, I would have, RIGHT THEN, because I love you and respect you.

Does that make sense?

GW: Not really. I think you should stop whether you're shocked or not.

G: I understand that you feel that way. I'm sorry I was hurting you. I agree that I should have stopped.

I just was hoping that I might explain what confused me so much.

<Here, you'd explain the physical aspect of things. I'm sure it hurt you physically as well, and didn't understand her asking you to stop just as you were ready to "go.">

If she listens, you might ask for other warning, like she asks you to stop, AS SOON AS IT EVEN STARTS GETTING UNCOMFORTABLE! Let her know that you want her to be comfortable no matter what you're doing, how your rhythm is, etc. Ask her, to tell you before it gets unbearable, so you'll both be happy.

If she agrees (and not before), you might explain something like this to her...

G: Honey, I don't ever want to hurt you. I don't want you to feel like this EVER again. I am willing to discuss whatever things I might change to ensure that you feel that I love you. If I do every abuse you, and you know for certain that I intended to hurt you, by all means, seek whatever help you need. Talk to whomever you want.

But, as in this situation, if you now believe that I didn't intend to hurt you, it has done no good for you to talk to your mother and your friend about this. I would have preferred that we try to work it out together. If we couldn't, then rely on whomever you need for support.

I hope this works out for you.

Petals

I said this </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But, as in this situation, if you now believe that I didn't intend to hurt you, it has done no good for you to talk to your mother and your friend about this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't say it that way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> It may have done good for her to talk about it, but it's now hurting your relationship. Geesh!

I would ask that she choose one person to talk to, because in does influence their ideas and treatment of you. Admit (if it's true) that you understand she needs to vent on someone. You just want your marriage to be protected, and by talking to fewer people, you think that will help ensure that.

Also, I wanted to suggest that when you apologize, you ask if you have her forgiveness (as your title suggests).

Petals

Okay, Gaidin, I'm not telling you off here, but I don't get this. Because of my physical issues, my husband occassionaly has to stop because it hurts. He has NEVER continued on, even if he is close to orgasm. He just pulls out and makes it go, so to speak (so graphic!). You do not have to be inside to finish. So, I don't understand why you insisted on staying in, because of your precious orgasm. Men can't stop? Bull. Couldn't stop nature? Well, think about it, if that's true, that a man can't stop an orgasm, then obviously, the man doesn't have to be inside to finish.

45 seconds is a LONG time. Don't believe me? Try stabbing yourself with a pencil while watching the second hand of your watch... for 45 seconds. Now add panic to the equation, which she may have felt because you wouldn't stop. Or maybe it was shock and disbelief of what was happening... her own husband continued to HURT her, even though he KNEW it was hurting her. All for that orgasm. HOW many times did you ask for clarification? That surprised me.

Your first response to her really surprised me. And irked me, but that's irrelevant.
Her: Ok you need to stop now, it is hurting
Me: Baby I am almost there

Huh?! So what? You were HURTING her. She said STOP and you didn't until YOU were good and ready to (aka the big o).

BOTTOM LINE:

It doesn't matter if everyone on this board tells you it wasn't a technical rape, if your wife feels she was raped, then you have a serious issue to sort out. It might have been dealt with quicker and more smoothly if it was kept inside your relationship, but, this is not to be since she has spilled her feelings to others. Now, I assuming she is being for real and not using this situation as an excuse to berate you or get out of your relationship.

According to the rape crisis centers, a woman is to be allowed to say NO at any point for any reason. Never heard it specified about the obvious of it HURTING. So, I don't know, dude. I'm thinking you've got a lot of damage control to do here! But, I think coming on the board and admitting you were "wrong" is a good start. At least you're not being a prat about it (assuming how you are here is how you are with her).

Don't give up trying to humbly and lovingly sort it out, even if she seems to punish you. Sometimes women need recovery time if they feel they've been betrayed in some way -- this could qualify!

<small>[ June 17, 2003, 12:19 AM: Message edited by: maeplus ]</small>